Hello guys, Let me briefly summarize my history of fighting PMO. I've been an addict since I was 10. I'm 27 now. Two years ago I was struggling with anxiety, and panic attacks. They were triggered by thinking about my future. I didn't have a job I wanted, and I was about to move out of my parents'. This made me terrified. I thought I wasn't gonna make it on my own, and I would have to give up all my dreams. Future was a cold, empty black hole. I was attending therapy, but it didn't help much. And then I stumbled upon nofap. I thought that, maybe my addiction was a reason for at least small portion of the fear I encountered. But based on my previous experiences with quitting PMO, I didn't believe it was gonna work. But I felt like 'shit, let's just give it a go, and see what happens'. And so I did. To make the story short: everything changed. And I mean literally - EVERYTHING! From a shy, lazy, fearful, unmotivated, hopeless boy, I became a real man. I started running, taking cold showers, waking up very early. I nailed two streaks of 60-something and 126 days. In a year I've accomplished more than through the past decade. I was a man of success. There was no goal too big for me... Until, with time I started loosing it. My drive got punctured like a tire in a car. And week, after week, I was less, and less motivated. I broke the 126 days streak, and at that very day was the beginning of the end for me. I don't know the exact reason behind this burn-out, but I know one thing. Since then, I tried everything I could to get back on track, to be a MAN again. But nothing's seemed to work. I came to realisation, that the main motivation behind all this was FEAR. I could easily imagine future self lonely, fearful, miserable, and emotionally unrepairable, should I gave up my fight. And this picture gave me strenght. But I don't see the picture any more. I'm not fearful. Anxiety is gone, and there are no panic attacks. I make good money, and just recently bought an appartment - with cash. I see no reason to be frightened anymore. And that is the problem. I started thinking why do I really want to quit PMO, since I'm ok. Except I'm not. I waste time on doing nothing every day. I sleep up to 12 hours a day. I gave up running, and excercising. I can't force myself to work, cause everything distracts me. After 5 minutes on the task, I get this thought about checking youtube or something, and I can't resist this thought. As a result, my effectiveness is worse than ever before. I'm not fearful, but I'm very unhappy. And this drives me crazy. I know I can change it - I have done it before, but it just doesn't work anymore. Guys, I need help. I don't want to live like this. It's aweful! How does one find a reason to change? Amongst plenty of reasons, that are too weak to haul me towards discipline, and bravery, how do I pick the one that is strong enough? I know this is very difficult to answer, if not impossible, but I don't expect to find answer here. I just hope I get some sort of direction, or inspiration. This forum has helped me once. I really believe it can do it again. Love!
You tapped in to some strong, buried emotions that can easily fuel you to early success. I know what that is like. David Goggins calls this the "Dark Side" and talks about how negative emotions can fuel you but not for the long run. I have past trauma and I learned how to tap into the anger, hate, fear, sadness, and other emotions and I use them to fuel me to success. I would consider myself a successful person if I believed success consisted in having a good career and having a strong education, but I am still not happy nor fulfilled even after I've achieved those. My anger and hate basically fueled me through college because I wanted to show my past abusers they were wrong about me. I finished and graduated, but I didn't do it for myself. The burn out happens because emotions can't fuel you permanently. Eventually, the fear, anger, and hate will dissipate and then you have nothing left to tap into anymore. Emotions are fleeting, so they aren't a long lasting fuel source to drive you; with deep trauma from child abuse, like I have, emotions last for a very long time but even they eventually subside especially when doing therapy. You need to find a better fuel source. Emotions are good for establishing momentum and to tackle very difficult challenges, but then they are suddenly removed and we feel spent and aren't able to continue. You need to find a reason for the things you want to do. Without it, your changes won't last.
Thank's for the answer. If emotions aren't powerful enough, then what is? I mean we may talk about reason, or rules, but when the hard time comes, none of that matters. From my experience it has always been anchored to the emotion at some point. It is due to emotions it is easy to visualize what's at stake. At least that's what I think. But I don't know. During my streak I wasn't doing it because I wanted to prove anything to anyone (well, maybe at the very beginning). I was just excited how strong I am, and that drove me forward. I was doing things I never thought I was able. And that was motivating as well. But at some point I was going uphill too fast - way to fast. And to make it spinning, I had to keep accelerating. And I was already tired, so I had to slow down. As I did, I felt like this is it, and in fact that was it. So what I missed was balance. Instead of running like an idiot, I should have slowly march towards my goals. It's just another mystery to me how to do that.
Emotions do matter and they do make a difference, but they're not enough. Let me give you an example of something you're already familiar with. Suppose a person is highly motivated about exercise and so gets very excited to start his new routine. He starts attending the gym diligently and starts seeing immediate changes to his physique. As he gets stronger, he keeps getting more motivated and eager for more improvements. Why would such a person ever stop, right? After all, exercise is healthy, good for stress, improves circulation, builds muscle, etc... With so many benefits, you'd think the person is crazy to not want to continue to exercise. But you already know how this all ends. This happens all the time. In fact, every new year during January we have scores of people who join their local gym with the noble goal of getting into shape and improving their health. If the statistics are correct, such people don't last longer than a mere month or so. If emotions were good enough for change, these people wouldn't have quit; but maybe I'm just wrong and they have a very good reason for quitting. The funny thing is, it keeps repeating year after year during the same time period in January.
I see your point and I agree. But in my opinion - based on your example - people who successfully get into shape don't set a goal to look great. Their intention is rather something more, something of higher purpose. I.e. some may struggle with health problems, and the only way to survive is to sustain a certain weight (good shape is a side effect). I used to smoke and I quit a long time ago. The reason? Fear of getting cancer, fear of empowering the addiction up to the point where I won't ever be able to quit. I know smoking isn't nearly as difficult to resist as porn, and the will to smoke decays over time, unlike porn (I guess), so it's hard to compare these two. As for porn, my motivation wasn't quitting it for ever. It was to get rid of the fear. And supprisingly it's gone. But it turns out it is not what I should have been aiming. I should have tried to focus on improving my perception on women ( without it I won't ever build a healthy relationship), or introducing a work ethic, or set of rules to my life, which would prevent me from relapse. I don't know. It's very complicated. But it really feels like fear was an extremely powerful motivation, and I have no clue how to replace it. None of the most precious value I have can withstand the power of porn. Only a true and real danger of loosing something forever was able to conquer porn.
I think there is more going on here than just porn. That might be part of it, but you need to talk to a professional.
Yeah, well... I tried that, and it cost me a lot of money, and time. All I've learnt was how to avoid the problem. And I wanna face it instead. Besides, I don't consider myself having real problems. I mean porn is a problem, but all the other minor things like lack of attention, motivation, laziness, and inability to love for anything else than phisicality are just a consequence of long-lasting exposure to porn. So that's what I need to do. Get rid of it!
Hi friend. Thanks for sharing your story. It's important to have big goals to work towards. Even if you cannot see it now, what is the life you want to live look like? What does your career look like? What about relationships? If you don't know what life you want, start brainstorming. Write down things that you are interested in and you are passionate about. Think about how you can incorporate these things into your career and daily life. Personally, I am still working on these questions. I needed a few weeks clean of pmo just to be able to think about this better. But I believe this is the reason for your relapse. If you don't have any reason to quit, then why should you? For me, pmo was affecting my health, with constant anxiety attacks and paranoia. I needed to stop. I also had no ambition, and my career was going nowhere. I was wasting most of my time playing video games all day. So it was also affecting my career and also my relationships, as I would always isolate myself. I would suggest just focusing on implementing a few healthy habits and staying clean for a few weeks, then you can start working on your life goals. But it is essential, if you don't have life goals, then it's easy to go back into old and bad habits. Small goals are important too, as a part of the big goals. Good luck! Ps. I really recommend watching Universal Man's videos on YouTube. He is one of the best Reboot resources I have found.
I think what raven said is quite true. You would have to build yourself around some immovable principles where you can refer to during tough times. Personally i think anything that had to do with feelings and emotions fades as time passes. If u were to rely on things that changes through time then u have a problem. Its like what i did in my previous relationship, i was emotionally dependent on her and i put all my time and effort on her. At the end of the day i was left with nothing. Relying on things that would changed through time or other challenges does not work. Secondlythere might be adrenaline from nofap that drives your sudden success. From my experience, my adrenaline comes in a daily basis. In the morning i would feel like i could do anything, the energy the motivation and then it burns out during the evening and i would feel depressed. Im quite used to it now so when it hits me i will slow myself down so that i wont burn myself out. Take a look at this book 7habits of highly effective people. Maybe you can find something there. And btw i dont think that 120++ days is enough to get you through all the withdrawals. Nevertheless is a very good streak!
