It's been a minute since I have been here, the last post I made, I was in a panic about school, not graduating. The good news is I am graduating tomorrow. I'm happy about that, but there's a lot that's missing in that happiness. Getting through high school, with how DIFFICULT my addiction made everything is the ultimate reason I no longer have interest in it among other great factors such as my gf, research, my life of course, NoFap and so forth. The reason why I'm not happy is because of what it took from me all these years. I lost my ability to fully focus, I had a lack of determination towards many important things. I couldn't (didn't "want" to) get a job, a car, a nice GPA, didn't do extracurricular activities (which leaves me afraid to even apply to college), I became afraid of doing anything that didn't involve watching porn or being isolated. The mental struggle it put on me is what I disliked most about my whole experience, sometimes I feel like I'm mentally handicapped and can't function in a normal society, I know I'm intelligent, but...these complications, I don't know what to do with myself is what I'm saying. Life with no more porn, 8 years (I'm now 19, birthday was yesterday) deep and finally out, it's like being in prison ya know? you're in there for so long, didn't deserve to go and luckily you're freed...but you can't seem to get used to change, to living, socializing, making decisions for yourself, being on your own, you want to, you wish to, but you don't know how to. It's like all these years of mental suffering (the most being this year), you're to the point of complete breakage, recovering seems like a fairytale, what's freedom from it all going to do other than make you confused on what your purpose even is? what you want to do? who you are even? Sleeping for sure doesn't wash that away, do I want to go to college? yeah I want to be a biological anthropologist, have a PHd in Ancient History, do I want a car, license? yeah, my own place? yeah, job? yeah! But it's as if, I don't even know where to set my feet to even get a start on that, like my mind is not able to pursue the goals I deeply have, I wanted to go to the marines, but I dodged my recruit, because at time I feel fine, but I know I got this problem and I can't dedicate my life to anything with this being present. I performed poorly in school so my GPA is in the 2.0 area, didn't do club things, didn't take SATs (I'll fail those), so idk how the hell I would even get into college, let alone write an application essay, what could I say? I was hooked on porn since I was 10, by the time I really wanted to turn things around it was the second to last month of my senior year. Don't like going out in public, communicating, scared to even imagine myself driving, working around people, my social anxiety would be on steroids, I just don't know. I don't want this post to be too long for people to read so I'll stop here. I conquered porn, physically speaking, but mentally, it's got me by the balls with an iron grip.
Hi Richard, I think most addicts who got hooked as teenagers have experienced social isolation and low performance at school. When you are at your parents' or at school, there are people around to give you directions. Once you're out of school, it's all on you. It is natural to be unsure of what you are going to do. Once you begin to discipline yourself and keep busy, your regrets about the past will fade. You just gotta start somewhere. Also, learning is not only something you do at school; anything you do is an opportunity to learn! Good luck and congratulations on quitting porn.
Thank you for your feedback, That's very sound advice, Bale. I've tried to find youtube videos or articles that touch on porn addicts who were in school, or users who were in school, but I couldn't find any. Everyone's story is relative, but I wanted to find one of someone who was in my same position so I could take from it. The plan I have been formulating is seeking counseling, to get some help with putting my mind and life back on track, because that's what it takes for success, and with my experience? that cannot be done alone. I feel that no one should put themselves in a situation of which they have no full confidence in being able to handle, even if they have the smallest doubt. I shouldn't try going to school, the military or what have you, knowing mentally I am not ready to handle any of it. I rather repair myself and just work on bettering my mind, my life, to slowly regain that need to succeed that was substituted with my need to watch porn. I'll do some reading as well, you're right about anything being an opportunity to learn. So later on, I'll speak with my mom about getting counseling, see what she said and report back here. Thanks, man, good luck to you as well, It's difficult for us all, but never impossible.
hay man my life is a lot alike like yours. i was hooked on porn for 5 years it took everything from me that i wanted from life. i do think that i can't function in a normal society. i also have all those complications like you have. but i think that with disciplining myself i can end this misery. for i know that our mind is plastic and it can adapt Neuroplasticity provides us with a brain that can adapt not only to changes inflicted by damage, but allows adaptation to any and all experiences and changes we may encounter...
Richard, what you have going for you now is the immense will-power you have developed fighting your porn addiction. You should not forget that! That is your strength!
As an advice for college , lower your expectations.Just get into any college and you can excel there then do a masters in a good university if you want to.
