Confession Time.

Ride it out. Ease up on yourself. If you can. If you can't, well, I can relate to that too. Recovering alcoholic, plenty to mourn.. But just know that better times are possible.. Probable.. Inevitable? For those that hang on things generally gat better. They have for me.. ¥

 

off-topic
this is great! must use it in my signature.

 

I read through your story and all the great replies and I just wanted to say how big of a step you are making. You may not know it now, but your life is about to change in an awesome way! That gap you speak of, that fulfillment and love that you desire so much can all be found in Jesus Christ. Now I am not trying to tell you to do anything. I'm not telling you to give your life to Christ or get baptized or go to church or trying to sell you on some religion. I'm just telling you to the best of my knowledge and the experiences in my life. Jesus filled the big gap in my life and I know He can fill yours too. Its all up to you though, either way though I wish you the absolute best in your recovery and may God Bless you. A passage in the Bible that can be inspiration for you and I is Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Just know this, God loves you just the way you are. It doesn't matter what you've done, nothing can take away his love for you.

 

Sorry to hear your struggling mate. I'm going through similar type of situation from you and the shame and horror at myself cuts very deep.

Went to a few saa meetings myself and I struggled with them though I thought they were useful to an extent for me to come to terms with who I was and what I had done.

I think the letter is a good idea. To man up and tell the truth is brave and shows courage. I told my (now ex) gf about what I had done and she told quite a large amount of people which is quite hard to deal with but at the same time I have to come to terms with what I did, who I've hurt and start putting things right. It isn't a quick process and the fall out will be massive but this is life and life is crazy. It's weird I compartmentalized everything for so long I had no idea what I was doing and did not confront myself at all for so long. I just kept lying to myself and pretending these things never happened and would never happen again I convinced myself I was an honest man.

The truth will set you free! Hopefully at least..

Good luck buddy!

 

Rich, keep going, keep adding days. You are fine and will get better. Continue with your honesty and courage. I do not agree with those who said that such or such thing that was done was disgusting. It is what it is and nobody should judge it. What matters is that you want to change and have a better, wholesome life. You should not think about the past other than to remind yourself when you are tempted that you do not want to go there anymore. Stay strong!

 

Rich, I have done three of the five things on your list and I probably would have done the rest too if I could, so you are not alone.

When you did those things, did you rationalise doing them? Sometimes I think to myself it is OK to do these things, it's just pleasure, no-one gets hurt... But then again, I only seem to do them as a form of medicating loneliness and isolation. I guess real intimacy is the key which is something I do not have and something that is not easy to come by in this day and age.

Like you, I am trying my best not to give in to the temptations. So I don't really have much advice to give because I am not doing so well myself, but one thing I know is that we need to love ourselves if we are going to get out of this mess.