How I suffered due to this addiction.

Hi
I am x. my life has been awful full of faults depression humiliation self loathing and unsuccessful. one of the main reason i am like this is because of my addiction to pornography or i could say that i am addicted to having pleasure in different ways or i could say that i am addiction to the ways i used to pleasure. Sorry english is not my first language so forgive me if made any gramatical mistakes. the reason why my english is not so great is also due to online and pornographic addiction.

i have lost manything in my life, one thing i have lost is respect towards my self and also self confidence. i am now a joke and psyco to others. there is many good things around me but i am unable to enjoy any of it. i have good friends whom i am unable to hang out without guilt or self loathing. i have good relations who thing i am now a psycho now and they are very distant and think i am some kind of loser and have charecter faults. enough of what others think of me lets me say about how my life turn out because of this addiction and things i have done to enjoy this addictions and how these addictions transformed to worst.
i remember the days i have been successfun in my studies and life. i am a good football play who get picked first or second for team. i am strong healthy and everyone envy my for my intelligent and charecter. my relations celebrated me. they cant get enough of me. i am sweet and lovable to my relations and my friends and gf of my school. my teachers are proud of me and everything.
then i remember the day i get erection when going to a magazine in my relation house. i didnt know what it is and started to explore it. then i found out that something is oozing out when i play with mine with water. then i started to proper way to masterbate.
i started to watch channels and ftv to masterbate. i hide from others watch tv and masterbate. i tries to quit. i started all this in 2004. always i will feel awful after doing it. i did it with guilt and do worst things in my life. i have masterbated in my tuition hours while the class is going. i masterbaed everywhere and its duisguisting and humiliation is great but i still continues to do it but i tried to quit everytime and i failed. why i cant quit it? because i dont have the strength to do it. i always consider myself as a strong in mind but when it comes to masterbation, addiction and pornography i am worst.
once i was caught buy my mother she cried and begged me to quit and i cried and promised on her head that i will quit. then again my father caught me and everything happened again but after a week i was doing it again. that time tv was the only thing i was able to see women naked and masterbated to it so it was under control. if i have studied well during the time i masterbated i would be a great brilliant. i masterbated during my final exams because i was addicted to it. pleasure is not only the reason i have masterbated the reason is because i am addicted to it and it became a habit and addiction. i lied because if this. i felt awful lot of time because of this. i was deepressed deeply hurt because of this.
it may not be look like big thing but when a boy tried to achieve in his life and when he wanted to be excellent in his studies and his life but when he is unable to stop this behavior then for some people its very hurtful.
my friend y introduced me to internet. i then went to internet with a friend h. the first time i went to internet a guy helped me to view the websites. we both saw it then on the second of third time i came in my pants in the internet center. i asked about it to the boy and he saidhe came too. then we are open towards our feelings. then it progressed we both started to masterbate each other in the internet center. then we went to personless place and we used our mouth but with plastic wraped around with each other. we will persuate each other because none of us wanted to touch others but wanted to be touched. then after many internet sessions i remember once we used our mouth inside the internet booth with cloth wrapped around each others. one time we bought a cd and masterbaed in his house without any worries like this is usual. then we tried anal but non even able to insert he head of our penis in others because we both dont want others in our hole but wanted to feel how it would be to fuck a vagina. during this illicit behavior i stole lot of money from my parents and others. i feel awful for doing everything. i feared that i am turning to homosexual if in continue. i tried to insert things in my asshole but it felt hurt i really dont enjoy it. but i am unable to use a hole so i tried to use mine. if i then started to cut school and go somewhere to masterbate.
i then started to see some weird websites where women are dominated mercilessly. i started to watch ftv shows to watching women beaing tied beaten and fucked mercilessly in website called kink. what turned me on is how the women in the film loved others do to them. i started to steel money which i am felt soo much guilt and soo much hurt and cut classes and went to internet centers. i felt soo down. i started to escape from internet centers without paying i started to work like a jerk and started turned to a theif.
i distant myself from others because i am feared that others will find out how awful i am and bad thoughts in my mind. i am become soo distant that i cant even able to have a normal conversation with others. i became introvent. many friends will come to me house and ask me to go out and play but i refused them. i was soo much respected and loved by some of my friends but i had to become distant to allot time for my fantasises and not to be discovered of my thoughts. i would cum withing 5 min while watching kink website. sometimes less. sometime i would cum twice witing 30min. everytime i do that i will feel awfull and promise myself that i will quit and become responsible and work hard but i always fall back to that place. i would touch my thing through my shorts and cum faster in the internet center.
then on my 3 month leave i started to work in a small store. the owner thought me as his own brother. he liked me trusted me with his store he even asked me to manage to the workers in the store but i betrayed his trust manytimes i will stole very small amounts to go the internet center and masterbate. i cant stop it and it became a habit. one time i stole a small amount drink juice because am i am already a theif so why not stole to drink juice. i always do bad things because of addiction and this made me a bad person and thief who stole to have a drink. but i wanted to please my owner and i really wanted our store to grow. he then gave a net connection and i started to watch things in his computer.
i selected college and went to a hostel. like in any festival and event in my life i swore to myself that i wont be the old x and became a new person in hoste. it lasted for sometime and again i fall back to masterbate without the fear of getting caught. i was worst in my last year of school. i was down with my friends but in collage in first 6 months i am popular. friends asked me to come to their benches to hang out. two of friends fight with each other to sit near me to hear stories and have fun. my hostal mates loved me too but i was unable to have continous regular conversation with them. for the first time i found out that i developed social anxiety. my heart started to bump very fast one time when my friends are in my room and talking with each other. i had to get out to breath. i think the main reason for my social anxiety is because of my guild and long time of not able to open myself to others. i dont know how to make normal conversation. but i have some friends who i can be open with.
one the firs semester of my college i was good in studies i studied hard and my teachers praised me above others because of my unique intelligence(their words) the way i ask questions in the class room. in one particalar subjust write from the begining i used take full grades. that subject is tough for others but i take full grades. onetime that staff came to me and told me that i gave the wrong question in the test but amazed to see a correct answer in a paper and he told me that he already know that the paper was mine. i taught my friends during examination.
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Thanks for your support