After 5 years of wins and fails...time to make a real decision

Hey friends,(I will try to not use triggering words for you guys, so iwill type them as P.../ M... S*x etc) .Let me first start from 12 years back to now....I started to see my first sexual images at age of 15 on the library computer in my village ( I am from The Netherlands). I dont really remember how it happened..But i guess i typed in some random words of female bodyparts and i stumbled on pictures that made me feel so amazingly exited, that i came back often to check some naked pictures. That transformed a year later into M... every evening with or without P. since i got my new laptop and in 2008 highspeed P. and internet was already there. There were times i did not pmo for a time, and times that i did. when i turned 18 i moved to my own student room and left my parents...So i could basically do anything i wanted...That resulted in me pmo'ing a lot in the night time, and sometimes even till 5 a clock in the morning. I had no idea of the bad effects of this and did not felt bad about it..till.. end of 2011 for the first time i got the feeling that i wanted to quit porn and i tried to quit porn, even completely resetted my PC and 1st january for me was a new start! After a week i was back already on the pmo and i just gave up, and continue my life with quite some pmo, i had fevourite genres, and favourite P. actresses and started to get to know a lot of names out of my head etc. I moved to the french riviera on 2013 and had quite a good time. I must say that when i think back at that time i had anxiety to talk to girls for example in the club and did not really had the motivation because i was using pmo to get off and so for me that were my women. But....in october 2015 when my dad was about to visit me, i started thinking omg how am i not gonna PMO for 5 days? and that was the moment i tought..Maybe there is something going on....and so i started to search the internet about if porn addiction existed..And my mind BLEW when i saw everything that was online....By then in 2015the P. i watched had already became more extreme then in 2008, and i could not even go 5 days without! i also had a lot of other things as lack of motivation, bad feeling after pmo, social anxiety around girls, and a lot more. Well....around october 2015 i started to watch Mikkois (now AAnghel), Blackwhiteguy in america (now Seth Alexander) their videos about their pmo addiction and they really motivated me. but the second day i already relapsed, and i have been relapsing around a hundred times till end 2017, the streaks slowly became longer, but so much pain mentally after every relapse. I was getting alot of knowledge and also posting video's myself, that went great. I got a pretty big following and i really helped, but i removed my channel out of shame after too many relapses. I have started and ended a youtube channel around 4 times. The first time i did hit 113 days was from 31december 2017 till somewhere in april, it was UNBELIEVEBLE!! omg it was amazing and from aroun 78 days the urges were pretty much gone, and at 90 days it was a celebration! I have done the scariest thing of my life, i told my parents and a couple friends about my addiction and that i had overcome it. It was a big relief aswell but so incredible scary to tell my parents..i remember it like yesterday. Little did i know that after an addiction it is so important to not go back to just 'try'it out or soemthing...and well... i did that and fell back HARD. and btw every relapse of me was a binge. the relapse after 113 days i could reallly see that i had healed a lot, because i clicked less fast on new videos, i watched less extreme content and my session was short...but after binging a couple times...i ws back at were i was 113 days prior. I cant explain how painfull, sed, disgusting and shamefull it feels after every pmo session; like: WHAT THE F AM I ACTUALLY DOING? I am sure every guy had this tought after finishing the pmo session. (due to the massive dopamine drop right after org*sm). So i started with new streaks, some a month, some a week,and about maybe 30 relapsed further i got to 113 days again! I have seen that the moments when i have long streaks are when i am the least possible Tired/sad/lonely/stressed etc. because they are bigtime triggers. I also got the these 113 days because i had read multiple books about Pmo and how to stop it and i had gotten sooo much knowledge also on the ybop website.But i did something stupid again....I bought a sillicone s*xtoy that are in 3d and like female body parts (lets say it like that) and i got hooked to that and that even made my f*t*sh for that one bodypart even more strong and after like 2 weeks i relapsed very hard with the toy and P*** togheter, with after trhrowing that thing away and waisting money, i have bought that thing in total 2 times (150 euro's each) After this i restarted with short streaks that fast went longer, about 30 days streaks in general, but that content i watched when i relapsed was still extreme and i clicked fast for new videos every lets say 30 seconds to get as much as dopamine trough. Ieven went to the prostitutes in Amsterdam in november 2018, i dont even know why, i just got this urge and said to myself: this is real s*x so its oke....but this all has to do with my p*rn and s*x addiction ofcourse....and WELL THERE YOU HAVE IT, during the intercourse i was about 805 hard but after about 10 minutes.....erection GONE while i was having intercourse, and that was a confirmation that i had PIED. It was the worst feeling every because i have not been able to get it back and i had to kinda try finish myself but i coudnt because even with my hand , zero erection...Very Frustrating....so Following to that ofcourse relapse and binging....and after that, Getting up and trying even more serious to break the addiction.... from end 2018 to now i have had streaks of 30 days, 40 days, it for sure was going better...But with every relapse a full binge brought it almost back to zero...Last fabruary i got to 40 days but i had a hard time when corona started with the lockdown and there have been quite some relapsed and shorter streaks after..about 2 months ago i decided i wanted to get real real serious and that this was it....i had relapsed about 3 times since then and the disgust and hopeless feeling after gets bigger and bigger.. I have even bought another book, and my dear friend that is a very experienced nonfapper himself and on day 600 on hardmode! is still supporting me everytime since years.. So thankfull for that. I had a very big relapse 2 weeks ago and even have professional help. I thought that this was it. Because i have tried averything, i even have had porn blockers with giving my recovery password email to someone else and i even 1 time have smashed my laptop and PC after relapsing. so 2 weeks ago i was like..This is it! and i had one of the worst relapses yesterday...can't explain the pain again..between day 11 and yesterday the urges were intens and i could almost not get the p*rn toughts out of my head, really compulsive over obsessive thingking about it, just like crackheads or cocaine addicts think of their shot or line, completely the same, incredible...the only thing i know is that i cant give up so thats why i write this and to tell all of you dont give up! i will write daily journals on my profile because if i have the feeling that i am alone in this i think i cant succeed, i need the feeling that we are all togheter, so important. I have decided that i want to eliminate porn for a lifetime, and at least the first 30 days hardmode (no P***, m********* and O*****) maybe longer.... Guys mad respect to all of you for trying to make a better version of yourselves and we are writing legendary history being the first ones Making the right choice. Because i think that in maybe 10-20 years p*** will be seen as cigarettes since sicarettes were seen as healthy too first, and after a long time they started to see the big effects when it was too late....
I am going to make a list with rules out of things that i have learned in the last 5 years and i have to keep myself on those rules. for example, not fantasizing, not doubting wether to relapse while in an urge, no triggering music video's/ images, working out everyday. Going outside or doing something active when an urge hit, and many more...I actually have such a knowledge but till now apparently i did not wanted it bad enough to eliminate p***. I hope that i want it bad enough this time. Because my absolute goal is to be +100 days pmo free when i turn 28 and i turn 28 5 december so If this is really it, i will be around 105 days when i turn 28, that would be the best birthday of my life.
I'm gonna stop rambling and get out there and focus more on real life. Much love to all of you!

 

@Berlinco Thank you bro! here you can setup your counter: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?pages/pmo-counter/

 

@palindromo thank you so much bro, yes unbelieveble, 2 times 113 days. it's indeed time for an unlimited streak, im gonna put 100% in it.

 

@kliminin to be 113 days pmo ofree felt amazing, you feel very peacefull in your head because no more urges. And you feel emotions better and life feels more special. Also the motivation is higher and you dont care what people think about you

 

Hey Nevergiveup!!, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story because it is insightful and enriching - for me at least. As for your pain after PMO - I can feel you, been there myself countless times. Stupid how we don't feel the gravity of the aftermath before we go stupid But I feel we can learn.. I believe in it, I believe we can eventually win. Every failure makes us stronger as long as we can get up and do better the next time. Many masters failed many times before their winning streak (meaning in history, broadly speaking). Keep getting stronger and - perhaps remember what a snowboarding teacher once said to me - those who fall least often learn the fastest (because they don't waste energy on getting up and can instead spend it on riding better.. ;-) So, avoid the fall and if you still fall, make sure to make it better next time. Eventually you'll ride without falls (if you choose the right path. Good luck to you, fingers crossed!

 

Wow! 5 years. This makes me sad. I have been trying for 2 years now if I remember correctly. So far I have been trying to do it all on my own. Joined today because I thought maybe people here can help me.

 

@Goggins yes man, 5 years, that is indeed a hell of a lot of time...lets hope i can smash my addiction permanently this time. welcome bro, and i wish you all the best in your journey!