Ready to Admit I Need Help

I’ve written this post in my head a dozen times, but I’ve been avoiding posting it.

“Maybe it’s enough that I’m signed up and I’m using the counter,” I’d think to myself. “I don’t need to actually post.”

This, I now understand, was my addiction talking, doing whatever it can to keep me from getting healthy.

I’m 37. Like most of you, I’ve been using porn since I was a teenager, although, back then, it was still images that crept into your PC through a squealing phone line. Once it became possible to stream videos—well, I don’t have to tell you. It got bad for a while. Then I was able to push porn into a corner in my life, say, fifteen minutes a day and done. But, give or take some week- and month-long breaks, it’s been a constant, through dating relationships and now in my marriage.

Then...look, you all know what’s going on. Things are stressful on a planetary scale. On a personal level, my wife is pregnant with our second kid and my job stress is off the scale and now I’m working from home and home schooling a child...so what I do when I’m stressed (what I’ve always done since I was thirteen, I’ve come to realize) is I turn to porn. Except it’s not working. It’s out of control, eating hours of my life at a time, and it’s not working. It’s progressed (embarrassing confession time) to chatting with other guys while watching porn. I’m not gay, not even remotely, but I’m doing it whenever I get the chance. It leaves me feeling sick and ashamed and unsatisfied. But I can’t stop.

I recognize it makes me miserable. I know it’s possible to be free, but I can’t do it without help. So I’m getting involved. I’m going to be honest. I expect it will hurt but if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes.

 

Thanks for your advice! My goal right now is a week. I've gone that long many times in the past, but it's been nearly a year. Four months looks like an "I climbed Everest without an oxygen tank" level of achievement to. If I ever make it that long, I'm going to buy champagne and have a serious celebration.

I'm using a blocker that takes real effort to circumnavigate. I don't have a smartphone any longer, which is less a porn issue and more wanting to focus on my family and my work without constant distractions (but no porn is a bonus.) I've also altered some registry keys for my browsers so that I can't get to most porn sites. The issue for me is that I have a few hours very early in the morning after my wife leaves for work and before my kid is awake when I *should* be working, but I'm always tempted to look for porn, and I have time to work around some of the barriers I've put in place.

I've been trying to think of who I could tell, but I genuinely don't know who it would be. This is one of my problems; despite what it probably looks like to other people, I'm really very isolated, and this is a disease that thrives in isolation. I guess one of my goals should be to build some relationships to the point where I could talk about my problems.

 

Thanks for your reply! I'm adding another personal goal to my list: to stay involved in this site for at least six months.

 

Because of replies like yours, I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Congratulations on making it 22 days!

 

I agree with the social media thing. I'm off every kind of social media right now; I want to know who I am without all all the distractions. I will say this--I'm a few days into rebooting and all the bad feelings that I used to numb with porn (or social media, or whatever) are very present and very hard to deal with. I need some new, healthy coping mechanisms. Somehow, while I wasn't paying attention, I turned into an adult man who can't even handle ordinary, day-to-day stress without porn.

 

Thanks. It's not easy (none of this is easy) but I think it's making me healthier. I definitely get more done day-today...it's amazing how much time I have now.