How much progress is lost?

Hi,

I know this topic has been raised hundreds of times, but I would really like to get some sort of realistic assessment of the damage done by peeking/watching porn/relapsing, as I'm sort of in an acute crisis situation, wondering exactly *how much* I f*cked up, again.

I'm not counting the streaks I had beginning with late 2016, after I first realised pornography was likely responsible for my inability to be intimate with real partners. My first streak was exactly 80 days, then I relapsed, then I abstained for two weeks, then relapsed, then had different phases of on and off consumption of pornography and or masturbation to it or without.

What I'm counting are the 485 days since October 5th 2019, when I *finally* decided to not f*ck it up anymore and to *really* start overcoming my apparent, life damaging addiction. As of now, I haven't ejaculated a single time to pornography in all those 485 days. I've had over 60 wet dreams since then, but haven't masturbated a single time. That is, apart from the four days in total, stretched over these 485 days, when I almost relapsed. This was under different circumstances, but it always started with minor, almost inconspicuous triggers I otherwise blocked off successfully. I have certain techniques and procedures for »convincing« myself to stay on track when I feel a crisis may arise, but they fail from time to time, which is driving me crazy. The first three times, my »almost-relapses« lasted for a few hours of watching and stopping, watching and stopping, eventually touching myself, stopping, etc.

My last *completely* sober streak, not having looked at anything, not having touched myself at all, during these 485 days, were the last four months. I did pretty great, and although I started having wet dreams on a regular basis again, I didn't really let myself be influenced by the mild chaser effect these dreams provoked. Today, I accidentally stumbled upon an advertisement of the magazine Playboy. Fast forward - after coming home from work, a little bit upset and worried about having looked at a few girls on the site for about two minutes, I ended up searching and watching a lot of stuff I used to watch »back in the days«, partially touching myself to it, but without finishing. This went on for about two hours, stretched over three, because again, I fought with myself not to look, then, looked, then pulled myself together, then looked again, until I stopped for good. I don't know whether the circumstances of the »binge watch« are important - I went through - for me, anyways, given that I hadn't seen anything in months - a lot of videos, switched through videos and scenes, very quickly got the point of not even having a constant erection, but *wanting* more and more material. The material I looked up wasn't exactly new - as with any addict, addictions and addicts love their »historical constants«. But nevertheless - it went on for two hours and I wasn't far from having an orgasm. I don't have real headaches or brain fog as of now, I'm still craving more but not desperately wanting to »get it out of my system«; my balls are somewhat hurting. I've already »been there«, I've »done that«. I am now in damage regulation mode and need to make sure I'm going to get a few hours of sleep and start tomorrow with a clear goal in mind: to psychologically get the f*ck out of the place I've been in as quickly as possible.

What I am really afraid of is that I've fried my brain - again - so bad that I lost *a lot* of rewiring progress. It is very important to me to get »well« as soon as possible and to leave behind the 13-year-long porn period of my live behind once and for all, and in doing that, to become able of true, normal human intimacy. I've had PIED for all of my adolescent and adult life, and as soon as I understood that pornography was the likely culprit, both pornography and PIED scared the shit out of me (before that, I didn't really know but also didn't really care about the reasons why I mostly had problems performing with girls). Leaving porn behind is one of my biggest goals and - regarding the partial success I had until now - one of my most important personal achievements I was/am somewhat proud of. My fear is that by having these periodical almost-relapses every few months (at least until now), I won't move at all or only very slowly from the spot. Earlier today, I almost wanted to cry because I had the impression I was throwing away months of progress for indulging in something I hate. Just from my experience I would say that »relapsing« for up to a few hours without actually masturbating much and especially ejaculating doesn't lead to the subsequent feeling of loosing everything on the days that come after. Most of the feeling of »success« stays. You get more compulsions for a few days, more cravings, have to fight off pornographic images in your head (maybe quite long after) and the like, but you feel alright relatively quickly again.

My question is: Would I somehow be able to assess the extent of the damage I've both singularly and cumulatively done to my rewiring process by doing what I've described above? Are there any reference points I could use for orientation? What about DeltaFOSB - to what extent would I have reactivated the addiction pathways mediated through the molecule?

I appreciate every answer.

Thanks.