Starting again

Today has been a bit more stressful at work, and I'm tired but it's not been too bad. I will hopefully have time later for training which will be good.

I have just got my copy of the AA big book which I'm looking forward to reading through. What I've heard in group about it is really good. I'm also thinking about getting a copy of the SAA green book which I've also heard from group is a good read that speaks more closely to a recovering porn addict so I think that would be a good investment. It will be go to book when I get up on a morning to get ready for work (pretty much the only time I get to read anything at the moment, and I'm nearly finished with the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy "trilogy of five").

 

Today is going pretty well. Its been busy, but all Thursdays are busy. This afternoon I will be doing some training so it won't be too stressful.

I spoke to one of the guys from group earlier about how things are going, which was good. Having these conversations makes me feel grateful for how things are going in my life at the moment, even just the fact that I go to work and I'm able to socialise still because of that (I don't think that I'd be able to work from home easily at the moment...)

Listening to a podcast at the moment, and he just quoted part of the big book of AA; "each person is like an actor trying to run the whole show, is forever trying to arrange the lights, the scenery, the ballet and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would simply stay put, if only people would do as he wished everyone including himself would be pleased. Life would be great"

I love this line, it speaks to almost anyone who has suffered from addiction to an extent, that we all want to control things so that things are smooth, and don't want to rely on others, when in truth we need to rely on others, because we can't do this alone.

 

This weekend has been pretty good. Yesterday morning I had group again, and I've got my first real call with my sponsor tomorrow morning. I get the feeling he will bust my balls a bit, but I guess that's a good thing. I'm actually looking forward to start working the steps.

I've had some good, quite deep calls with group members as well, talking about all sorts of things from meditation to imprisonment. Encouraging conversations about life and addiction.

I've also had a great weekend with Tan and the kids, started sleeping the little one in his own room (with some success, fingers crossed for tonight) and watched a terrible game of rugby...

We had a subdued 80th celebration for Tans grandma, it was just our support bubble round for a meal, but it was nice, very much look forward to getting back to "normality" to be able to do these things more often, and a little less subdued!

 

I had my first official sponsor meeting today, and he gave me some work to do. He talked through the different things to consider when putting together my inner, middle and circles and spoke about some things that I didn't really think about, such as things that affect mood and things that I find difficult that might lead back to inner circle behaviours.

I first heard about the idea of putting these circles together when I first started my journal on nofap, and I kind of dismissed it, thinking that I had similar tools that I put together and didn't need to look at this. I realise now that this tool will be more effective than anything I was doing, because I am putting it together with someone else, and they will know my plan.
The meeting this morning has made me pretty optimistic about this journey, though I know it will involve a lot of work.

 

This mornings sponsor call was great, we talked about quite a bit, and he gave me the task of starting to read the big book of AA, starting with the Doctors opinion chapter.

Considering the age of the book (published in 1939), its remarkable how relevant most of the text has remained. Its astonishing the foresight that went into it.

The Dr's opinion discusses the idea that addiction is like an allergy, where even a sip of Alcohol (or porn etc) incites an allergic reaction causing us to be uncontrollably hooked.

It starts to discuss the idea that the contents of the book, and following through on the actions suggested in the book are a way of going from a hopeless addict, to a successful, confident person who is able to avoid temptation and ignore cravings.

There is obviously much more to be said on that in the book, but it starts off with hope.

 

Yesterday wasn't great. Recovery wise I'm doing okay, relationship wise not so much it feels.

I'm feeling incredibly conflicted about going to SAA. On the one hand, I've made good connection, it feels like I'll be more committed through having a sponsor and following the 12 steps, I'll have tools for difficult situations and it will encourage me to be more open and honest with Tan.

On the other hand it upsets Tan that I would rather spend time in group meetings instead of time with her, she feels that I will tell people in group things and keep lying to her about it and that it shouldn't be so hard for me to just tell her the truth without all of the effort of group.

That last one is totally true, it shouldn't be. I don't know why it is still a problem. Its not like Im acting out all the time, so why was it an issue when I needed to tell her?

This situation is splitting me apart, and I'm so stressed out about it. I just don't know what to do for the best. After all, half of the reason I'm doing this is because of Tan, so if its so upsetting to her then what's the point?

 

I believe that group can help with the communication between us. My sponsor, and many others in the group have been in the same boat, some a lot worse to the point of police knocking on their door, and they have turned things around, and now have a healthy relationship that isn't built on lies, but on honesty. I want to get there, and I'm certain that group can facilitate it.

I went to the meeting last night and it was a really good one, lots of good contributions, I just listened and spoke after. The topic was a reading from the green book on step 2 and finding your greater power.

I didn't know how to broach the topic of group with her yesterday when I got home, and I had had a really stressful day at work and ended up with a bad head and feeling nauseous, but I tried my best to be helpful when I got in with the girls and the little ones. I always try to be as helpful as possible now when I get in. It's something that I try to consciously make an effort with. I get the little one ready for bed, feed him and try to get him to sleep before going up with the girls to brush their teeth, get them ready for bed and read them a story. Tan is usually cooking tea at that point. But I do it because I know she will have had a tough day looking after the three of them, especially at the moment.

I try my hardest to be present and helpful when we do spend time together. There are likely times when I fall short too though. I just don't know what to do for the best. Hopefully she will start to see that there are improvements from my attendance at group.

 

Last week was pretty turbulent. Very up and down, but on Friday we had a big argument about SAA, where Tan said she felt like I had invited a bunch of strangers into the relationship that I had to use to vet what I say to her. The feeling that going to group was going to tear not only me apart inside, but tear our relationship apart was enough for me to drop out of the group.

I actually felt relief after that. It was really stressing me out, and I don't think it was sustainable. It would have ended up making me worse rather than better.

On the other hand, I'm gonna have to resolute in my commitment to Tan without a sponsor keeping me in check.

On another note, I'm feeling pretty happy and positive today. The weather was pretty miserable this morning, but it's broken into a beautiful, warm spring like day, putting a bounce into my step and a bounce in my step.

 

Today is going okay. Been busy but not bad, no stress and nothing difficult popping up. Yesterday was good too, we Tan and I have been getting the little one in his own bedroom, which has had mixed results, and last night wasnt great in terms of sleep, but the evening was good because we got a pretty good chilled out time eating watching TV. He did wake up more through the night though so ups and downs. I think we're both pretty tired today because of that.

I've still been getting voicemail to my phone from guys in the group, but haven't returned any yet, I feel quite awkward about talking to them at the moment.

The weather is pretty warm again today (8°C, not actually warm, but compared to - 10°C last week, it is) putting a smile on my face as I walked for lunch. It kind of gave me a longing for summer walks with the family, strolling down the beach, walking to a cafe enjoying ice cream. Hurry up summer!

 

Today is going okay. Its been a busy morning but I've kept quite well on top of it so it's not been too stressful.

Something that has been a little stressful is the thought of doing my portfolio work. I think because it stresses me out, I ignore it, so I don't have to think about it and it won't stress me out anymore. In reality, ignoring it makes it more stressful when I do inevitably think about it.

What I really need to do is just do it and get it finished and then it won't be able to stress me out because it will be all sorted and under control. If I don't do it, I will end up with a pay cut and more things to stress about.

I think the same idea can be applied recovery. Just doing the work will stop it all being stressful, instead of ignoring it and causing more problems and stress.

In other news, the sun is out and it has actually breached the 10°C mark for the first time this year. It may be windy, but walking to and from work, I can tolerate that for the feeling of warm(ish) sunshine kissing my face!

 

Today is going okay, been busy, but not stressful. I tried to start the day by reading some of the big book, but it was cut short by the arrival downstairs of our youngest girl, I had already fed the little man breakfast and settled down for my own and a bit of a read, but it wasn't meant to be. That's just how it is sometimes with 3 kids 5 and under.

Tan is having a bit of respite today, with the kids going to there grandparents for the day. The little one hasn't been the most settled in his own room, and has left us both pretty tired. Hopefully he'll get used to it soon enough.

I'm looking forward to the weekend, not that we have much in the way of plans, but just enjoy a couple of days off work. Hopefully a couple of warm days!

 

The weekend was good. We didn't do a huge amount other than some housework, put up a shelf in the baby room and grocery shopping.

We had some respite on Saturday with the kids going to their grandads for a while, Tan and I spent the time doing the chores though, so not incredibly relaxing time.

The little one slept quite well over the weekend, but last night was pretty bad. He was settled until about 1am and then after that, he was whingy and irritable, not sleeping well. So there are 2 zombies this morning that really have no energy, and can't concentrate well. The little one still woke up happy and smiling...

Tiredness means I have to be more mindful, as I think tiredness is a bit middle circle. My mood is good though, and work isn't stressful. I have also had a coffee to try to counter the tiredness a bit, and to try and fight back against the lethargy.

 

Today is going okay, have had a bit of stress sorting out a problem, but it's been sorted out now. Last night, sleep wasn't great again, but much better than the night before.

We had a decent evening, had some nice food, kindly prepared by Tan while I put the kids to bed, and we just chilled out. I know though, that some of this time I need to be working on my portfolio, as time is ticking on and I need to be more proactive, just the motivation isn't there at the moment, which is a problem throughout my life. Motivation comes along when it becomes a necessity...

 

Today is going pretty well. I'm pre-screening slides for the first time in over three weeks at work, which means I'm feeling a bit rusty, but I'm glad of the opportunity (just needs to be more regular).

I did a search on the computer earlier, to find example images of cells being stained using the Papanicolaou stain, and bing decided that, among the images of cells, it would suggest a search for lingerie... I quickly moved past it, and I've told Tan about it, but it's annoying at the least.

I'm pretty tired again today, naturally, but I'm doing okay generally. I've got a coffee, and hopefully will be productive when I go back after lunch. Plenty of cases to look at.

We have decided that Friday and Saturday evenings are going to become study nights, and every other Saturday, with no TV, just food and study for my portfolio. Hopefully that will help me get my work back on track.

 

Today is going well, I'm getting work done that ordinarily I don't get time to do (which needs doing just as much), and it's been a nice change.

I enjoyed walking out to the car for my lunch today as well, as the sun was shining down, and although it's still a touch cold, it feels warm in the rays.

This week has been pretty tiring, as the little one has been difficult, with trying him in his own bed. It's meant both Tan and myself have been getting up each night, leading to a couple of zombie parents. I know it doesn't last forever from experience, but despite that experience, it still feels like forever...

The weekend is nearly here though, where we can relax by doing washing, vacuuming and cleaning...

 

Sorry, that was meant to be sarcastic, but it doesn't come off very well written down! Though that is, unfortunately, the plan.

Our eldest is 5, so probably a bit young to leave with the baby, no chance of a nap. Saying that, even when I'm tired, I'm not usually a huge fan off naps, I feel like they are a waste of the day time, even if all you will be doing in that time is staring at a TV screen, or washing some dishes. Strange point of view when I think about it, especially if after the nap you would be more able to take the day that's left.

Today has been strange weather wise; I had to scrape ice off the car this morning, and now I'm sat in my car with the windows down, and my coat off with the sun blasting through the windscreen. Feels like a proper late spring day, beautiful.