Depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts

I am posting again here, well, mostly to ease myself from this burden. I had a meeting with a therapist, explained to her everything I'm going through and she said that most likely is because of porn and past experiences and insecurities. I'll have to take meds for depression and anxiety in a few days.

I posted a week ago if anyone wants to know what is going on with me:https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/i-cant-take-it-anymore.310398/#post-3022431

A few days ago I was in front of a crosswalk and I was thinking about if I jump in front of a car, what will happen? The death will be quick, without pain and all this mess will be finally over? I was in this trance for about 7 minutes and I snapped back to reality. It happened many times before. I think about hanging myself every day, to stop this torture.

One thing that I didn't mention in my last post...well....I didn't want to mention was that I...I attempted s*****e a month and a half ago, but my mother found me and I was rushed to hospital in time. Even after that, I still feel down, anxious and confused about all this thing with porn which to be honest it's the worst thing that happened in my life. I sat this after I had 4 incidents in which I almost lost my life.

I was never thinking that porn and insecurities will push me to the edge. If you feel like you going on the same road as me, seek help before is too late to go back. Sorry if I offended someone.

 

It's very hard to keep myself motivated in this moment. It's like everything that I did until now it's for nothing. It's just like a loop of pain, stress, struggle and little reward.

 

Well, yeah, porn just amplified it. I've been a little depressed all my life with periods when I would be much happier and times when I would think that this will be the end. This thing with the escalation in porn and questioning my sexuality was the cherry on top. I had suicidal thoughts for years, but I could push forward. Now, I can't do that anymore.

My sexual identity/orientation, my attraction towards women, the women that I fell in love with...I question all of this for a couple of months now. Every day I feel like I'm going much deeper into this void of fear and anxiety.

 

In the last week I feel like the anxiety dropped a little bit, but it's still strong and it's killing me inside. As for stopping from watching porn...well...I could not PMO for max 6 days and then at every 2-3 days I would do it again. It's hard, but now I swear it's the last time. If quitting PMO it's the last chance to be a better person in my sexual and private life, to have a healthy sexual life and experiences with women and boost my confidence, I'LL DO IT NO MATHER WHAT. I want to have a real relationship, not just standing in the distance and watch others living a happy life.

I think I had enough porn in these 9 years, it's time to do something real which will make me happy and not to feel guilty and shameful every time I finish.

I'm sick and tired of so much questioning, reassurance and searching. I'll stop doing this ,,every day searching for reassurance''. The only thing that does is making me much more anxious and depressive. We'll see what happens in the next few months.

 

Ok. So this anxiety is killing me. Every time I see a guy online, it doesn't matter who, in a movie or everywhere, I question myself if I'm attracted to him. But the only thing I feel at the moment is a pressure on my heart, like someone is trying to crush my heart. If I stare for too long I start to breathe heavily and start to panic more. After this all episode is starting to fade away, my depressive state is increasing.

I thought that I might be a bisexual in denial, but I've tried to accept that and the only thing it did was to increase my anxiety and depression and pushed me to attempt suicide.

I can't quit porn for real, I can just hit the 3-day mark and then fall again to the same path. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this is my punishment, it feels like living in hell. Every day I see myself going to the suicide path again and I'm afraid that this time it will be my end. Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? How can gay people say that this is a ,,gift'' and I need to accept it? I feel like every day I lose my sanity and my life is a big fucking fail. If I could go back in time...I would not watch a single second of porn.

I cry like a damn kid every day. I see people so happy with families, kids, wives and girlfriends and I'm in this living hell. What did I do in this life to deserve this?

 

I don't know who I am anymore. I didn't appreciate enough my old self. I should have done something much earlier and this would not have happened.

 

When you're faced with something so totally general that it engulfs you, the answer is something so simple and specific that it seems insignificant. Put the anxiety down for just long enough to have a cold shower. Don't worry, it'll still be there when you come out, but afterwards, your perspective will be different - I promise.

 

This is the worst period of my entire life. But what can I do? The only solution is to push forward, but with all this sh*** going through my head is so damn hard. I'm alone in this thing, I can't tell anyone because it's still a taboo subject with porn and I'm sad that I can't live a f****g normal life like anyone else. I can barely have the motivation to do basic things in my daily life.

 

Gracias! Lo intentaré, pero cuando no eres tan social con otras personas o no tienes muchos amigos, Internet es la mejor solución para matar el tiempo. Escucho podcasts motivacionales cuando hago ejercicio.

Gracias de nuevo! Perdón por los eventuales errores, traduzco esto con Google.

 

I'm sorry to hear that! To be honest I got into worse things than trans/sissy(gay) porn, much...much worse than you could ever imagine. Yeah, suicide it gives you that sense of relief because if your life is going to rock bottom, at least you could end it. I have the same mentality. The thing is...I even try it. I miss my old life so much. I was so careless, even with porn, but I was somehow...happy...overall.

But yeah, I hope things will get better, for both of us, and all this mess will disappear or at least get better.

 

The thing with therapists and people, in general, it's that porn is still a taboo subject and many, many persons think it is very normal and there are no consequences even if you watch it too much. I got into therapy, my therapist understands my situation and I'm kind of lucky. I'm still hesitant to take meds for depression because it may have some secondary effects on mental health and I've heard cases where the depressive state got better but the suicidal thoughts got worse. I take some light ones and some kind of tea which relaxes me.

The only thing that helped me with anxiety then and even now is sleeping. That's the only time where my anxiety, intrusive thoughts and even depression just...disappear. But when I wake up...I enter in the same fu***g loop.

 

I don't know why, but on some days I feel ok, overall confident and happy and then, in the days after, I think about suicide. These days I am confident in who I am and what I want to do and the next day is like...my mood turns upside down. I have no motivation on doing anything productive.

1 week ago I was so close to asking a girl out and then...well...the questioning started again in my head, all the things that I watched and the fact that I might not be what I think I am in terms of sexuality and I took a step back, again. For God's sake...and I felt like my life is going in the right direction. Hm, I suppose it's not.

I met one of my classmates from high school and he was so happy with himself. He has a girlfriend now, a pretty good job and when I think that he was a loser like me at that time is making me very frustrated that he could change and I couldn't. At least it's good that I can hide all of this under my ,,mask'' of a nice guy.