How to talk about porn with your kids?

Don't. My dad talked to me about porn and masturbation (the dangers of it) when I was as young as 9 - ended up being addicted to it at 13. Had he never told me, It likely never would've become a problem for me (my mind was just focused on other things, and he kept bringing up porn and fapping).

 

There was post here not long ago, it was in the opinion of the OP rather controversial(try looking up porn literacy, here is the thread https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...k-with-a-comment-on-this.313840/#post-3076170)). My own advice? lock up their internet access, ignorance is bliss and there will be time for the *talk* later, better to let their mom do it even.
Religion and social pressure saved me from it until age 16, all my dad ever told me about it was : "It's a waste of time", i must add that i am the only pmo addict of my family(of four).

 

This is interesting and I think about it a lot. I actually don't think of how I will talk to them about porn though so much, but rather how I will talk to them about faith and love of God. That's because the more I put my struggles onto God, the less that I need things like porn, overeating, smoking, videogames. I've just watched my bad habits fall away.

I grew up in a secular household. I also grew up with an addict. Even at my worst, I watched pretty vanilla porn and just straight people having sex, sometimes group sex. This was probably the least bad thing going on in my house. Because of addicts in my family and addicts in my family's friends, I learned at a very young age that the real way to beat your addiction is to always aim at the highest thing you can aim at and your life will order around it. I almost use my faith and the Catholic Church as my own Alcoholic's Anonymous group (only I'm not an alcoholic, and we drink at Mass... lol) but it's not so much for me about learning about some bad thing and avoiding it, so much as centering my life around the highest thing possible and pursuing it.

I don't watch porn anymore because I have no need for watching porn. I don't smoke because I have no need for cigarettes. I only drink when someone has a really good reason for it, because most days I have to wake up early in the AM to prep for law school and write my essays. I hope to raise my kid like this, more than "Don't do drugs, don't watch porn, don't drink alcohol."

On the point of growing up around addicts, I learned that nihilism was a much more potent neurotoxin than drugs, alcohol, porn, and cigarettes alone.

 

My family has a legacy of not doing the birds and the bees talk with their children.

My dad's dad pointed at two horses having fun and said that's what sex was. And that was it for my dad.

My dad threw me a book and told me to read it. I didn't understand anything the book was talking about.

You should talk with your kids about taboo subjects, especially the ones that they will encounter in their life.

Tell them the horrors of porn, obviously it's going to be an awkward uncomfortable conversation but you may save them from a battle.

 

You can try a lot of things. But at the end of the day, the choices your kids are going to make, will be their own. So while educating them is a good idea. I don't know how feasible it'll turn out to be.

My dad always warned me to stay away from bad influences. As a result, I have never drank alcohol, or smoked or anything recreational. But I ignored his advice about porn.

So, you never know what they'll do or don't.

 

I've read a number or articles stating it's almost inevitable kids/teens will come across it through friends or just browsing online. And many articles state it's important to explain to your kid/s at least the basics of the online dangers.

Porn is one thing. Adults pretending to be kids is another. And there's also the growing problem of tiktok/instagram/youtube where teens can get involved in creating provocative media not knowing the consequences.

Given the awkwardness around all these subjects, it may be best to give a general guide talk, without the specifics. You could share your story too, but my advice would be to keep that general also "I spent time on the wrong things, and am working to get back on track now".

I'm no expert not having kids myself, but if it were me, I would just explain there's certain actions people can take online, just like in real life, but the consequences are not always apparent straight away.

You could try saying no matter what it is, they can talk to you about anything. I guess this way they're able to take on board some general advice without having to know specific taboo info, and should be more comfortable to approach you if something does come up now or years from now.

 

I'm not sure it's as simple as that. Nowadays kids WILL stumble across p on their own and if the parents have not prepared them at all it could be very bad. This is what happened to me, although I was older than you were.

 

Yeah, but I wouldn't of felt so guilty from it - it made me feel so inadequate and insecure. Everyone else my age was happily PMOing just as much or more than me and still got good grades, had a lot of confidence, got ripped, went to parties, got girlfriends and hookups and just overall had a great time during high school (and middle school for americans) - But due to so much guilt and insecurity from PMOing, I had 0 confidence to just do normal teenager things despite my potential. Not saying it's a good thing for teens to happily PMO, but it's a lot worse if they feel strong guilt and shame for it because it will absolutely kill their confidence (nofap is much harder for teens than adults because of raging hormones, so they're more unlikely to actually hit big streaks/succeed). I'm getting better now because I see nofap more as a challenge or the 'icing on top' rather than a 'need' or a 'cure all'.

 

My father introduced me to porn gave me some tapes when I was young, also he used to show me pictures of beautiful girls. In regards of sex and women he raised me not to be afraid of it and learn how to handle it.

It's easy to live a "pure" life if you live in a cave. The real fight is remaining pure like the lotus flower among the mud.

 

Dr. Rob Weiss has very strong opinions on NOT telling your children about porn use, affairs, etc. He is in favor of not hiding that there are problems between the parents that are being worked through, but is very vocal about not telling them the specifics. Might be worth looking into.

I've been doing a lot of reading on https://www.defendyoungminds.com/ on how to protect my kids and talk about it. I am still in planning stages (kids are younger and homeschooled, zero smartphones for them). Until I feel confident to hit the hard stuff, I am trying to promote connection to people and working through emotions (e.g. not sending them away to deal with hard feelings alone, reconnecting when a timeout is only choice, etc) and paying close attention to dependency on screens or escaping with them. I feel in over my head but am trying hard to prevent accidental exposure until I can pull it together to build them up to defend what is everywhere.

 

My son was 11, went over to a friends house. When I picked him up, he told me that Zach and Michael had porn videos on their phones and wanted him to watch. Thankfully, I have always talked to my children about everything! They knew about sex, porn, drugs etc by 9 years old. We had on going conversations about healthy sex, healthy drugs, healthy foods. Why? Because I knew they would be exposed outside my home. I knew that most kids are exposed to porn by 11. I wanted to be the one who told them about it without shame, embarrassment or guilt. I knew my house computer was locked down but I also knew I have no control over what happens when they are away from home. We did tell our kids about their dads addiction, but not until they were old enough and mature enough. Why? Because it takes the shame away. It involves them in seeing the harm it can do but also in seeing his recovery. I wouldn’t hide if he were an alcoholic going to aa meetings so why would I hide this? They aren’t stupid, we would have to lie about where he was going and why every time he went to group (3x a week) or counseling 2x a month, and I don’t lie to my kids. Age appropriate/maturity level is where every person is different. However with porn, they get exposed far too early to put off talking to them. Even before smart phones and computers many were exposed at very young ages.

 

I read a book from the 19th century called Misuse of the Sex Force, which was focussed on getting people to stop M-ing their lives away. The author recommended that parents explain things to children from a young age, and I wondered if that wouldn't just make them more curious, but you're saying your kids actually avoided the trap of P because you'd explained it to them beforehand?

 

yes, all of my kids are very open about sex, about the fact that porn is literally everywhere at school. My daughter had a friends boyfriend try and “ make” her watch a porn clip, she was 14, came home and we talked about it. Another daughter was dating a boy and I told her, he’s a porn addict. Then talked about how I knew and when I walked her through it she absolutely agreed. So glad when they broke up. We live about 30 minutes from the nearest town. That means that for their entire lives a minimum of an hour was in the car with me to and from school, events, sports, church. No cell service no video games , hours spent connecting and talking. Rural living is a bit different than city living, you spend a lot of time together, you rely on each other. My kids learned to drive at 11 yrs old , they know how to shoot and how to kill a rattlesnake, they know what to do in case of fire and how to castrates pigs or round up horses. My daughter taught herself sign language, my son taught himself how to repair his car. That drive was a blessing in disguise. I’m super close to all of my children even though they are now adults.

 

You might be interested to know I re-read Psalm 27 after responding to your post, and have just spend the time in between that and this in memorizing the first Psalm.

You're keeping a dying way of life alive - good on you!

 

God gave me Psalm 27:1 when we first discovered this was an addiction. My husband kept asking “ what are you so afraid of?” I was praying one day, after a particular hard time and that was “ my” verse. God reminding me that my world was in HIS hands so whom shall I fear? I felt like God was holding me and whispering that. God is close to the broken hearted. He heals. I can also say God has never abandoned me, He has been my comfort. My rock, when my husband has failed.

 

Oh I'm definitely aware that their greatest risk of exposure is via another person. But we homeschool and sadly they've had trouble making friends when they did activities like ballet. We also have been way more cautious because I will not allow them into a home with guns. Right now their main activity with peer group is one that we all do as a family. So hopefully by the time covid stops screwing with everything I'll have had time to work better with them on building a defense and ease them in as it is developmentally appropriate. I'm so disgusted with how the world is, how screwed up people are that I'm totally cool with them turning into quirky homeschooled kids. The more we've gotten out of mainstream culture the happier our whole family has been. Looking back at the ways my husband and I were exposed as teens, I'm a little angry our parents were clueless to the ways we were exposed.

 

The second time my son was exposed he was at a cousins house. My sisters daughter gave him her phone to okay games lol, he stumbled on porn sites that she had saved. My sister was livid when I told her. He was 12, came home and immediately told me but was scared his cousin would be mad, made sure she understood he was not to be blamed. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure she ( my Neice) is a porn addict.

 

Dreading it really, i imagine it will come up naturally (they will ask having overheard someone at school etc), certainly not something i want to bring up early if they may still be ignorant of it. I really want to think about what i am going to say etx. I dont want to stir up their natural curiosity. Equally i dont want to lecture them or make them feel guilt about their developing sexuality and desire, which is perfectly healthy within the right context.