Betrayal Trauma?

Yes, I unfortunately it is very common to feel this way.

 

First. Just know that I'm sure every woman on this forum will tell you they had similar thoughts. You're not alone and what you're feeling is not unique or weird or wrong.

Second, it makes sense to be worried. He hurt you through his actions and with the trust gone, something as simple as him being home all day can bring up those emotions. It makes perfect sense.

Third, it sounds like there needs to be a hard conversation. You see it as betrayal - that porn use as a whole is bad and wrong and maybe you'd classify it as cheating. You can choose your own words. He, however, disagrees. He thinks it's fine and under control and while bad enough to lie about (maybe simply to spare your feelings), it's not bad enough to stop. At some point, there's going to need to be a conversation so you're both on the same page. Otherwise, it's going to be an endless cycle. You can't make him quit, he has to want to, and sometimes we have to accept the things we cannot change, and instead focus on the things we can.

Lastly, go read or talk to someone about boundaries in your relationship. There is nothing wrong with saying "this is what i'm OK with and this is what I'm not." It can be really hard though and can lead to fights and breakups and divorces. But it's also about securing your mental health. Setting up and communicating strong boundaries, and ENFORCING them, is something you can control.

I didn't make meaningful changes until I thought my wife was about to walk out the door. I thank god for triggering something that made me make different choices instead of falling into the same old traps and patterns. Some people need rock bottom, some people need an awakening, some people are lucky and don't get close.

 

Thank you for the additional details.

If I'm reading you correctly, it sounds more like the big problem is your sexual relationship as a whole (frequency, enjoyment, ED, inhibition, overall libido and sexual compatibility) and the lack of such makes you feel undesired physically. That's obviously a big deal, if it wasn't there wouldn't be roughly 253 billion articles and companies and such that promise to give you the secrets to fix the problem. The second BIG problem seems to be the lying and hiding. In my experience one of the biggest issues my wife had with my acting out was the lying.

It also sounds like you believe (and he may as well) that porn is one of the underlying causes of the main problem, if not the cause. It makes sense and fits the symptoms. It's not the only possible answer - testosterone, naturally lower libido, sexual trauma in his past, anxiety, stress, etc. But, again, it makes sense to have porn usage as a possible cause of the big symptoms.

It may be helpful to find a third person to bring into the conversation as an impartial person. A professional of course, not a parent or friend. It's not unfair to say "the path we're on is not something I can do. We need to figure it out and if since we've been going around in circles I found this therapist (or whatever) to help us find a solution."

As I said, you can't make him want to quit. If you're ok with pills and bathroom breaks with his phone - that's up to you. You set your own comfort levels. If you're not, then you need to stand up for yourself. he has to want to quit - if he feels like you're forcing him he's just going to lie more and get better at hiding it. That's what I originally did and it blew up in my face.

 

@BlackDahlia yes is normal to feel that way. When a person lie to you constantly and you don't trust him anymore this is exactly how you are going to feel.

Two options.. accept the fact that he is into porn and he is going to do it.. or don't accept it and break up the relationship. In my opinion is imposible to have a healthy relationship without trust, yours is none existing with your partner and is impacting negativebly in your life.

Lot's of people here hold on to the hope that maybe their partner can quit porn.. he is probably not going to change.. most people don't change.. how many years are you going to waist with a man that is making you feel so miserable? There's plenty of guys that have his shit together.. don't waist time with guys that don't.

 

I question this framing. There is an implication that the OP is not asking for what they need in the sexual relationship, as if the OP is the one that needs to express and act on their need for a healthy sexual relationship when the partner is the one who is not acting normal. The lying is a bigger deal. The big problem is the partner is not open and honest about his porn use, is not meeting commitments, is not discussing it, and does not have integrity. 99% chance the ED is related to the porn use.

@BlackDahlia All of your feelings are normal and valid. The behavior you are witness from your partner is not normal. It can and will take time to sort out your feelings. There are good resources for partners including this forum. I hope you find some peace and closure in due time.

 

Hi iam glad you came here,no your not crazy or irrational your story sounds alot like mine,after finding out I cant thinking about everything hes watched,how long for,I don't see woman & teenagers the same,I cant watch TV with him without seeing half naked girls on every advert & show & feeling upset,feel stupid for not knowing but so much makes sense now,his anger & lack of emotion,him calling me ugly.I too couldn't go out or visit my mum without crying knowing what he'd be doing,I felt like I was Nutts,I tried competing with porn and been always available but he has ED with me its heartbreaking,so despite saying he won't he always finds a way to continue & only sleeps with me twice a month.everytime I try to talk iam stupid,so much denial! It seems he's mostly embarrassed & just doesn't want me to know but if given the choice would just continue to do it behind my back and me not find out! I too havent put my story up yet as felt it would be too long haha.Iam not sure I can cope with the pain anymore its a long hard road to recovery but I think its only possible if the addict accepts they have a problem and wants to work on it,otherwise like me your dealing with it alone,I probably understand whats going on with him more than he does because he won't even entertain the idea.