Its my birthday and I cried :(

I'm in brother

 

Many many thanks Lucia for your sincere wishes

I am familiar with befriending my emotions and being at ease and comfortable around them. In fact, like I posted initially, I used to meditate a lot and one of the first things I was taught in meditation was to accept your thoughts and be at ease with them and it helped me through some difficult times. But the level of distress and isolation my mind is dealing with now, I started to slowly notice that meditation was not helping me like it used to. Maybe my mind had gotten used to the feeling or was slowly desensitized to it, I really don't know. I still meditate and exercise a lot but now I notice that these things don't affect me physically or mentally like they used to before that. I finally found this fact to be true that until and unless your mind is not healthy your body will not absorb the benefits of any healing you are taking.

I also tried turning the tables around from me getting in touch with my friends rather than they getting in touch with me. Like you said, and I absolutely 100% agree with you that yes maybe they have their own circumstances be it work, family with which they have gotten themselves busy and I absolutely don't blame them for it. Its just that when I see them posting photos online enjoying with other friends, I get this nagging thought in my mind like "Right you don't have time to even answer my calls and there you are partying with your "new" friends". I know it sounds childish and immature but then again, loneliness does this to you sometimes.

Four days ago, I helped an old lady, probably in her 80's out in the street. She was selling small stuff sitting on the roadside and I couldn't help but feel pity for her. Her face was the epitome of sadness and depression. I gave whatever money I had with me in my wallet and gave it to her and I noticed a sincere, genuine and most caring smile on her face which I won't ever forget. That was the only good thing which happened with me over the past couple of months and I really felt good after doing that. I wish I could help people like that.

Thanks for your wishes and good luck to you as well

 

You are welcome bud. It just happened out of the blue and I was supposedly at the right place at the right time. I usually never go from that particular route. It was like I was destined to meet her as I got diverted from my usual route due to some disturbance up ahead.

That incident did alleviate me from the low state I was previously going through. I relapsed today and even though I should have felt guilty and miserable, I felt happy because I had helped a person in need. Just the thought that there are people who are doing way worse than me in one way or another that I could not even begin to imagine was an eye opener. Earlier, I imagined people who were doing better than me, friends, family, etc but this was the total opposite experience. For now, I have been feeling much better since this incident but I cannot guarantee how my mindset will change in the long run as these incidents are very rare. I will do my best though to be strong. You stay strong as well my dear friend and do not think about "doing something" to yourself. If you need someone to talk to, hit me up anytime. Take care bud.

 

I definitely agree there. I used to have a facebook account in my college days a few years back but deleted it due to spam issues. I have never been a social media user and have never used Instagram or Twitter. I only use Whatsapp as it is important to me from a family emergency point of view. I noticed that the “status” which people post their trigger my loneliness even more. The best thing I can do right now is to ignore them and not even click on that page.

I am starting to go back to reading books and picking up Chess once again. Who knows, maybe helping that old lady may rekindle some kind of awakening in me to get back up again and start walking. I am still alone and lonely but my depressive thoughts have taken a step back, for now at least.

Thanks for your wonderful advice Lucia really much appreciated.

 

Absolutely true. I am done being needy and wanting someone to wish me and make me feel special. It does not work that way and I was an idiot to even think about it. Hope now I can improve upon it.

I have been doing meditation, reading books and everything and they used to help me, but not anymore. I am still doing it but I think my mind has gotten numb to everything so maybe I need to start something new. For example- I picked up Chess a month back and I noticed I have an igniting interest in the game so maybe I'll start from there. Take on step at a time. But I still have to conquer my loneliness and depression soon because I know if I don't I'll lose interest in whatever new thing I start and it'll be back to the same old cycle of crying and self pity.

 

Sure brother, would love to play with you. I play on Chess.com. It is an excellent site where there are videos and training for beginners, intermediate and advanced players. You can register on that site for free if you haven’t already. PM me your username so that I can send you a friend request there. Then we can play an unrated friendly game . That game has so much potential and a lot to learn.

 

Thanks brother

 

Thanks for the advice. I will definitely consider it in the future, although I don't know exactly how online professional care works but I am still glad that its an option available should I ever need it.

 

Hey thank you for your book recommendation. i never heard of Stoicism but I read about it a little bit on Wikipedia and now you have me intrigued. This definitely looks like something which can help me in the long run. I really need something like this in my life right now. If I cannot stop the pain, I can begin to embrace it and be comfortable with it, and that's saying a lot. A new journey of self improvement can begin.

 

That is such a beautiful quote. I never ever thought about it this way. Just the realization that we are living in the "now" and it'll eventually pass is the biggest single most valuable advice a person could ever give me. Your mother was really a treasured human being. I am so sorry for your loss. I am pretty sure you spent lots of beautiful memories with her and I am glad she gave you the courage to move on when you were at the most lowest points in your life. I mean, pointing a loaded weapon at your head and not doing it is one of the strongest and bravest acts I can think of. You are a very resilient person. Thank you for your encouragement and a most beautiful advice from your mother

By the way, its never too late to wish someone a Happy Birthday so Happy Birthday to you as well brother

 

She was one of the most beautiful persons I never had the honor of knowing. She must have been a joy to been around, the way you told me she used to play classical music in her house makes me feel like she was an angel in human form who came to Earth to spread happiness. I am so happy that she is finally resting at the exact same spot where you had your childhood memories as well. That's what makes it sacred, that's what makes it precious. Personally, dying in your sleep or just immediately dropping dead is the most peaceful way for a person to go. She was truly blessed to go that way. I agree.