A little background... My husband and I have been together for 16 years. We've been married for 10 of those years. When we were dating and getting sexual with each other, I found porn on his computer. I told him how much it hurt me and how I didn't approve. He told me he wouldn't look at it again. A few months later, I found it again. I confronted him first before telling him I *knew* he was looking at it again. He lied to me. This was an ongoing thing for many years. I got to the point that I couldn't continue to ask and be lied to over and over again. He knew my feelings about it. A couple of months back (probably close to a year) I noticed that my husband was no longer reacting physically to me like he used to. My self-esteem went down significantly. More than it was before. I felt he no longer was interested with me. When we would have sex, he would have a few problems performing and "keeping it up." This only made my self-esteem get worse and worse as time went by. I never confronted him about what I was noticing though. Fast forward to a few days ago, and my husband tells me that he has a porn addiction and had decided to stop looking at it. It took him almost 2 months for him to tell me that he had this addiction and that he was stopping the habit. I was crushed, again. After talking to him and doing my own research, we've come up with a few things to help him kill this addiction and keep him away from porn forever. I'm trying to be supportive, but I still have a lot of emotional battles with myself. I don't know how to feel a lot of the times, and my trust in him isn't where it needs to be. Too many lies has me questioning whether or not he's serious about it this time. I want to trust him, but right now, I'm finding it difficult to do that. So, here's my journey with my husband and his porn addiction and him trying to "reboot."
Hang in there! You are not alone, its a long hard road, but there is support here. For both of you. Keep journaling, it has a ton of benefits. Keep reading all about this addiction and the wives and SOs stories too. There is power in knowledge. Best of luck to you.
I understand. While my husband and I were dating, I would occasionally find porn. Once we were married, I made it clear that since I was readily available and willing to have sex, there was no need for porn. He agreed. However, on occasion I would continue to find porn. For some reason it never dawned on me he was looking at it ALL THE TIME. I don't know why. This spring he finally confessed that he felt addicted and unable to stop. But yes, the lying and the betrayal are really hard to get over. I highly suggest the book "I love you but I don't trust you". Someone on here suggested it to my husband for me, and I just finished it last night. It really helped me understand and think about how I felt. However, unfortunately, this is not a one time thing. It's a long struggle. And it sucks. ❤️ Hugs.
You are not alone. Your emotional battles are fought by many of us. My story is much like yours. I understand too well all the things you're feeling and the struggle in trying to be supportive in their recovery while trying to cope and find a healing path of your own. One positive thing I'd like to point out in your situation is that he came to you to acknowledge his addiction along with his desire to stop. While I completely understand your hesitancy in believing him and wondering how serious his commitment to recovery really is, the good thing is this was initiated by him (as opposed to having been given an ultimatum, etc.) so perhaps he truly does want to overcome this. I hope that it's the first of many steps in the right direction for both of you.
It's great to know that you aren't alone in stuff like this. The support here has been really great. I've started a countdown. I know that my husband is doing his own and his goal is 6 months, but I'd rather start small with 90 days. I've written him a letter, per his request about how I felt. He says he thinks it will help him if he ever feels like he's struggling. We talk on a regular basis and I think that is really helping us.
Hello there, LostWife! You are most assuredly not alone in this. I wholeheartedly agree with your above statement about regular talking with your hubby. Never stop talking/communicating with each other! It's helped my husband @Garnadaan and I a great deal as well. I agree with @AnotherAnonymousWife as well. There is loads of support here! This road is certainly not a short or easy one but you're here, and that's the first step. If you need to talk, I'm just a PM away.
Thank you for the support, you guys! We've had our ups and downs this week. I'm still trying really hard to believe him when he says he hasn't looked or had the urge to look. I accept it when he says it though and I work hard to believe him. I have to trust him at some point. Our sex life is improving though. The "PIED" is lessening.
It will be a long road back to full trust and that is completely normal. I am 2.5 years in and I still find myself wondering if my husband has relapsed. My self esteem is slowly coming back to where it was when I discovered everything. His goal of 6 months is awesome! My husband gave it up and never looked back and he can too. It needs to no longer be an option in any way. I am rooting for you both with everything I have!!
My anxiety and paranoia has gotten the best of me this week. I don't know why. I wish I did. Our "inactive" period is currently here now and I think this will be a good test for him to see how he can resist any urges. I am sure that not doing anything intimate with each other probably gives him more urges. He's done good though. He's made it past the 60 day mark, and I'm comfortable enough to say that I believe he hasn't looked at any porn in those 60 something days. It's good to see other wives mentioning that their husbands have gone a few months or even as much as a year or two without relapsing though. Gives me a bit of hope.
There's not much to report. We're getting closer and closer to a 90 day goal. I'm noticing some improvements in how the husband is reacting to me, so that's really good! I'm proud of him.
I really don't know if it's my subconscious thinking that I need to have sex with the husband more often to keep him away from porn, or if our sex life is improving because he's capable of doing more these days. Sometimes, I didn't want to have sex in fear that we would start, only to end up having to cut it short because of him not able to perform. It really ruined the mood. We haven't had that issue lately, thank goodness. Did anyone else notice that their sex life improved after their SO admitted to their addiction and stopped?
Hi there, LostWife! After my husband came clean about his porn addiction and stopped "using", I've noticed that our sex life increasingly improved. From my perspective it became increasingly intimate; according to him, in addition to the intimacy increasing sex started to yield more intense orgasms. We were having sex less frequently but when we did have sex it was more satisfying for us both. Also, I had the subconscious thoughts about "needing" to have sex with my husband more often to, in my eyes, "keep him away from porn". I felt a little pressured emotionally (by myself, not by him) to have sex frequently. I was so worried that if we didn't have sex every night he'd go running back to porn. To this day I still feel that "pressure" to an extent (but for me it hasn't been terribly long since his PMO disclosure...96 days, I think?). Sorry for the babble. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm just a PM away.
I haven't been here in awhile. I'd love to report some great progress, but I don't have any to report. While he's done good with the no porn thing, right now he's going through some sort of depression and general anxiety. So, needless to say, right now, things aren't so great. We're trying to work through it.
Whilst that is not the most positive of posts, it is not that bad. He is still working hard on his recovery. Hopefully it will just be a short phase that he goes through. Keep your chin up and look for the positives if you can. Be strong.
