I'm Going to Try Again

What can I say.. well the last time I tried this I lasted 2 months without MO or P. But I gave up a few months ago. I don't have a partner so I was having sex with anonymous ppl I met online. Bad idea: I got pubic crabs from one encounter and I'm still trying to get rid of them.

I've also been dealing with a lot of stress: a close relative passed away, I've been trying to do well in school, & I've been working in a high-stress environment. I swear my anti-anxiety medication has stopped working altogether.

Nofap: I think this time I'll have to try going cold-turkey, without any sex, any MO, or any P. That's going to be crazy tough.. Any suggestions? Does meditation help?

 

*sigh* ... I have to restart again. I'm very disappointed in myself. I guess drinking & rubbing cream in an intimate area while in a bathtub are both triggers I should avoid. Until I get rid of the pubic crabs though I'm not sure how to avoid the latter, but at least I don't drink very often.

 

@NoBrainer: I think I'm done with the random hookups for a while, if not for good. This itchy reminder that has cost me $30 & countless hours with a little plastic comb are enough to make me think twice about it. I've been getting ready for interviews & a play, but I need to find time to do the reading & writing.

The tracker says I'm up to Day 5 which is pretty good. I've installed the K9 firewall which blocks the bad websites (P sites, Adam4Adam). It keeps blocking random image sites too (ones like Photobucket), and surprisingly, doesn't block Craig's List (maybe there's another way to block it). The one exception I make for 15 minute intervals is POF, because I'm chatting to this intelligent Sikh fellow that lives in the city north of me. I have to be careful though because yesterday I found myself looking at random people which is definitely a trigger.

But aside from that, no urges really. Which is weird because I was having this crazy vivid nightmare last night where I caved and was looking at P, Ming, just going back to my old self. I kept waking up in the middle of the night & falling back to sleep. I guess it's nervousness or something.

 

Has it been 2 weeks already? It hasn't felt like 2 weeks.

I woke up in a really strange mood this morning, like I couldn't stop thinking about sex. I felt kindof tempted to M, but I abstained. My body was very sore and felt "blue", even after I had a cold shower. It got me thinking, asking questions like "Why am I doing this?" I know that looking at P is unhealthy, therefore not looking at P is healthy. If I can make it to 3 months then I should continue avoiding it afterwards, to remain healthy.

But I'm not quite sure what I'll do for sex. I know M by myself is unhealthy, but I don't have a partner right now and might not have one in 3 months. Will I avoid sex altogether until I find someone? What if I can't find anyone? What if the Nofap process doesn't work & my sex drive doesn't return to normal? What if my self-confidence doesn't come back? What if I can't find work? So many worries..

 

Day 24. I haven't really been feeling any of the physical urges I had during the last reboot; my sex drive has been kindof dead. For the most part I don't think about it, & without the "physical" reminder that's pretty easy to do. Well, parts of my body are still blue, but that's easier to ignore than .. well, you know..

Except today, I've been really tempted to M. I guess I'm just nervous. I'm starting a new job tomorrow and I really want to do well, but my anxiety is making me fear the worst. I was also kindof embarrassed last week when I went in because I acted foolishly, and now I'm worried it will happen again.

Last time I was feeling more confident when I went without M for a while. This time I just feel, kindof empty. Even though I'm going through the process, it's doesn't seem as fulfilling.