Finally Finding Myself

I made one post on this forum 4 years ago, and still am astonished that I've spent yet another huge chunk of time in a haze of living pretty much day to day, spending an incredible amount of my free time getting stoned and playing videogames/watching pornography. It has made me miserable. Now, however, I feel hopeful about quitting my unhealthy habits and becoming a better man. I am writing this is to motivate myself, hold myself accountable, and hopefully help motivate any person reading who has felt the harmful effects of addiction.

Currently I have gone ten days without watching porn or masturbating (Or gaming for that matter though that habit has never been quite as compulsive). Surprisingly I have little desire to do so. I say surprising because I have attempted to quit before, and generally last a week at most while battling the desire to find a hot video and masturbate. So what is different about this time?

Part of it is definitely my age. I am getting close to 30 now. I can no longer describe myself as a young man. I sincerely feel that I have frittered away much of my youth, and so many opportunities that came with it. It is years past the time I should have moved my life past the cycle of addiction, and yet I find myself still trapped with not even a college degree to show for it. I am currently working a job as a fork lift operator. Now there is nothing wrong with being a working stiff so to speak but I know I am meant for more. I am probably going to sound arrogant with this next bit, but to demonstrate how negatively porn and other habits have effected me, any reader should know that I was one of those underperforming smarties in school just brimming with potential. I was that kid who didn't study but still managed to ace the tests. I was musically gifted, and a natural leader with my teenage friend group. I was a good kid if a little weird, who was generally liked by almost everyone who met me.

So what happened? Why do I feel like so many of my dreams have turned to dust? It's all about healthy habits. I built bad ones starting in late middle school, and never corrected them. Now I feel like a complete failure for not even coming close to my parents who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and got themselves educated and professionally successful.

So. I am no longer a young man. But it is never too late to change yourself. I broke up with my long-term, long distance partner right before covid hit. I still love her and it still hurts everyday even though she started seeing someone new a couple months after we broke up. There were a multitude of reasons for the break up, but pornography addiction definitely played a large part in it. But while I acknowledged this, I doubled down on the unhealthy habits. I joined bachelorhood with a vengeance, making an Instagram account just to follow sexy women (I was single, so guilt-free, right?), losing myself in hedonistic and compulsive habits.

Perhaps I needed to hit rock bottom before I could see the light. But I can see the light now. Getting my current job and a regular schedule helped immensely. Simply having a regular 9 hours a day where I couldn't watch porn helped me take stuttering steps towards abstinence. I would go a week without, feel good about myself, and then go on a bit of a binge and the cycle would continue.

Well no longer. I got asked out by someone I'd been talking to for a while and it just suddenly jumped up on me that this is my time. This was a chance I wasn't going to pass up. I hadn't had a partner in 2 years and maybe that was long enough. I planned on quitting porn earlier but failed, so I only had a few days of abstinence before our date. Well folks, I failed. I misread the room and crashed and burned. I still think it was miscommunication on her part more than mine but I am more invigorated and motivated than ever. I am a human being who wants a connection with another human being, not a computer screen. Everything is a learning experience. Tomorrow I will do my best to be better than today, and the next day I will do the same. If anyone is reading this, I wish them the best of luck on their own journey.

I know that if I do 'relapse' I need to be kind to myself. Self love is important, and self flagellation harms more than it helps. That being said, it's not going to happen anytime soon. This past week I had the huge realization of how much free time I gain when I abstain from my compulsions. I am going to be working out and writing/playing music instead of gaming/watching porn. I will be more confident about talking to my friends and family. I am just going to be present. Not ashamed of what I did the night before, and feeling like strangers can see it on my face. It's time to live my best life.

 

I love to smoke. The nicotine rush yes, but also the act of it, the aesthetic, the camraderie of it, the moment of appreciating being outside. A part of me will probably always crave a cigarette but when people smoke in front of me now, I feel no need to spark up. The health benefits are more than worth it. The habit is kicked. If I do smoke a cig, it will be a single one when I'm drinking, and I'll probably be slightly annoyed with myself the next day, but will feel no need to relapse.

Porn is different. When I have that moment of weakness, it turns into two moments of weakness 15 minutes later. And then three moments an hour after that. By that point, I've pretty much resigned myself to not being able to bring my 'A game' to a sexual encounter for the next week so I may as well indulge.

Every time I think I have a handle on it, it sneaks up on me and pulls me back. It's the one drug I haven't been able to shake. It's just always there, waiting for me to have a bad day and some time to myself.

I'm currently on day six of abstaining and the craving is fierce. It comes in waves and I find myself physically reaching for my phone or opening up an incognito window before stopping myself.

I count the days it's been on my fingers. I remind myself I want something real. I remind myself of all the opportunities I've missed just in the past month because I binged and the toll it took on my confidence.

I think most of society doesn't fully understand how addicting this stuff is. It is a ravenous monster, clawing at me anytime I drink or get high or strike out with someone or struggle to fall asleep or see an image of a girl in a bikini. The amount of sheer willpower it takes to cage this beast is crazy. I can be filled to the brim with resolve, having thoughts all day of how happy I am to be free of it for weeks only to succumb that very night.

It's day 6. I'm tired of this shit. I don't want to settle for instant gratification when it literally keeps me from making love to a total baddie who thinks she did something wrong or wasn't cute enough and doesn't understand why the guy she slept with isn't trying to do it again. It's bullshit. It's dumb.

It's day 6. My confidence, eye avoidance, and social fu are all significantly better than they were day 1. My morning wood is back. I've been eating better and living with more intention. Today has been hard. I skipped out on the gym and almost relapsed. Only day 6. I got this. Let's make it 7.