Of failures, beginnings and (most importantly) hope

Hi.
I'm a 48 year old guy from Germany.
I'm a porn addict.
I fap since as long as I can remember, long before I began ejaculating. Maybe with 6 or so.
As a kid it was my regular thing to do before sleeping. It still is.
Then one day I needed to take a sock or something.
Lingerie pages in catalogies were replaced by Playboy.
Playboy was replaced by Hustler.
Huster was replaced by the Magazines I found in my farthers cabinet.
University
Beautiful Girlfriend that I compared to pornstars and did not value her beauty.
Magazines were replaced by VHS tape collection.
I got married
I got kids
VHS tapes were replaced by DVDs and hey, finally reproduction without quality loss
I got a house
DVDs were replaced by Internet Downloades and Hard disk
I looked for more extreme stuff
I found more extreme stuff and looked for more extreme stuff in my marriage
I got divorced
The house was sold
I was alone
300 Mbps Internet
More time for porn
4k porn
Virtual Relality porn
More extreme
Sex toys
Girlfriends came and went
The porn stayed, but got more extreme
The hours edging turned into days
Depression, Borderline disorder
My dick rarly gets up. Maybe a bit just before I come.
Penetration is a mission impossible.
My therapist rejected to treat me as she does not treat addicts, I should work on my additiction.

I finally admitted that I am a porn addict. Unbelievable. I fooled myself for so long.

So welcome day 1, the drinks are on me. Sharing this with you, I hope I can keep it up.
Tomorrow I like to start writing my journal here.
If you stayed reading until here. Thanks for your attention span, join me in my journey if you like buddie to hold on to along the way. Even better if you also just started and have a similar Story.

 

Thanks @PunchersChance. Always good to know that we are not walking this dammed road alone. Makes one a bit less of a freak or ashamed. I am currently very optimistic when looking into the future. I am for the fist time fully accepting that I am a porn addict and I am 100% committed. I know that there might come hard times, even failures - but I also know that for the fist time I have a real goal. 90 days it is. Once there I will re-evaluate. But this is a good marker a beacon in the dark times.

 

Thanks for your relpy @Reborn66 . When you slid back into it, did the benefits you reached (I guess you mean your manhood) disappear again? If so, did it happen suddenly or over time. I'm asking to understand the effects of a failure.

 

Thanks for the great feedback, @Reborn66. On my biggest streak I had (11 days) I had my first erection just from a hot thought again after 8 days and had great sex with my GF after 10 days. This was already a gigantic success for me, but then I destroyed it all again by being so overwhelmed by this success that I opened up to my GF about my success and with it I shared my porn addiction that I am overcoming.
This was the moment when she was shocked and retreating from me. We only meet to talk now and it looks like the relationship of 2+ years is slowly breaking up cause of me sharing my secret - and of course I relapsed after that. 3 days in a row, I spent every waking hour with dick in hand. I went completely numb. I think I need more than 8 days now. It still feels like a graveyard down there. But reading what you write and other reports here gives me hope.
To everyone: DON'T SHARE YOUR ADDICTION PROBLEMS WITH YOUR PARTNER!!!