Could my husband be asexual?

Does he exercise regularly? Does he eat healthy? Does he sleep enough?

Seems maybe he is just tired or lethargic right now. Plus, even PMO every 10 days still creates a deep attraction to porn. This could be part of the withdrawal that he is going through. Give it another few months. I don't think there is anything to worry about right now. He is starting to live life without the strong dopamine shot of pornography. It is a big change. The rush of PMO is pretty strong, its pretty intense.

Maybe you can try to recreate the intensity of the rush of PMO. Maybe ask him what some of his fantasies are. Maybe tell him what some of your fantasies are.

 

If he stops pmo, he will be interested in sex . Many pmo addicts avoid sex in an intimate relationship. Especially if they are Intimacy Anorexic as well.

 

Ma'am...I am just some guy on the net, so take this with a grain of salt:

Regarding the "I'm starting to worry wondering what if he is asexual or gay or has simply lost interest in me?"

That ship has sailed. The "lost interest" part.

If you're already this tangled, it does not bode well for a lifelong committment unless you're ok having a partner that doesn't want you. Also don't know how old you guys are or in what physical shape you're in or not in or what kind of lives you lead other than what you describe above.

But I was married 9 years before we even had a fight of any kind, and my wife had to run and hide to keep me from chasing her around the house through the whole marriage, even when she was wearing curlers and a white facial mask.

Before that, any girlfriend I had, I was hot for, all the time, no matter what else was going on in the relationship. I WANTED them...their hair, toes, fingers, earlobes, the taste and shape of their mouths - like food. It was always a constant flirt-fest.

If that's not there at the early stage, I cannot really say anything but best of luck, and please be gentle with each other.

But you deserve a partner that wants you like food, wants you in his arms, wants you wants you wants you.

 

I relate to your husband. Been using PMO since childhood. Desired my wife heavily early in relationship. PMO use negatively impacts sexual desire for me. For me, I’m like an on off switch. If I’m abstaining from PMO, it’s most effective if I’m avoiding sexual desire in other aspects of my life. But that isn’t suitable for a marriage so I have to live in the middle. When I have sex, I want to PMO. When I don’t PMO, I also want to have sex less. To live in the middle, my sexual focus and positive attention has to shift to my wife and it builds back desire to engage with her. My experience has been that I can’t judge my attractiveness or sexuality with my wife clearly while I’m using porn at all. Porn makes normal women, experiences, situations and intimacy boring and a lot of work.

Assuming you haven’t changed physically or mentally in a way to make him not attracted to you, this seems like a problem on his side of the street that he needs to do extensive work on.

Side note: I take common antidepressants and they also zap my libido for normal sex with my wife. I can literally be satisfied with sex every 10 days. But I can also still want to use PMO more. I know it doesn’t seem to make sense.

Also my wife and I have been married for almost a decade. My PMO has devastated our sex life and affected her self esteem. I ask her every so often if this marriage is what she wants. She does because we are so amazing in all other areas together and I do keep working (albeit with poor results) at PMO.

Those are the kinds of negotiations that happen in marriages but it’s for both of you to negotiate what you can be happy with. You both only get one life.

 

If he has done this since childhood, then he has a lot of work ahead of him if he wants this relationship to work; and he is probably not disclosing the full depths of his addiction (yes, I said addiction). I started PMO as a 14-year old, and 40 years later I am finally starting to make some progress in recovery. I really wanted to quit for years, but even when I got married I couldn't. I thought that by getting married, it would take away the urge to PMO. Not even close... there is infinite variety, novelty and new porn is constantly being generated to keep the addict chained in.

Know that none of this is your fault. The first step for him is to admit he has an addiction. Once he has made that admission, he can look for an approach to recovery, and you will need to choose your role in it as well. From what I've seen, I think it is hard for a spouse to be objectively supportive in a situation where they feel so betrayed.

There are lots of tools and advice here if he is willing to commit to recovery. I hope for the best for you and your husband!

 

Edit: didn't read other responses first before typing so making edits.

Is it possible - of course! But to assume the person you married is secretly gay or asexual and lied to you and faked his way through enjoying and wanting sex for (i'm assuming) months only to call of the charade a few weeks before and after the wedding is a huge jump. I'm really hoping you haven't said things like "are you sure you're not gay" cause talk about demoralizing and shaming your husband.

wait on the bloodwork, see a therapist, my guess is, because of the sudden change, something happened that caused him to change.

 

If you had a normal sex life before, I'd question what's going on with that porn addiction. It's pretty rare for men to just stop tugging it for 60 days straight on the first go. Maybe the issue is the sort of stuff he's watching as well, frequent masterbators can get to the stage where only very specific things arouse them. But after 60 days off it, you'd expect things to get better anyway, not worse. See what the bloodwork says but if it all comes back fine, try calling his bluff on the porn watching. I bet he's still jacking it.

 

Could be a flatline, that happens quite often. Men do get erectile dysfunction and it happens when people over do it, watch the ted talk the great porn experiment

 

I am totally confident that once he gets off porn for 60 - 90 days his libido will fully return and your sex life will improve greatly. I recommend talking to him about it openly and let him know that it can take on average 90 days for him to heal. Also recommend that he join Nofap so that he can learn more about the addiction and how to overcome it.

Good luck!!

 

Sounds like he is in flatline. After a full reboot he should be interested in sex again. But it could take a long time. I have had failed relationships because of this issue. I did feel attracted to the girls, but just had low libido so they felt unwanted and unloved. I am trying to get myself fixed before entering another relationship.

 

If he's watching straight porn then there's very little chance that he's either asexual or gay. What seems to me most likely is that he is going through a flatline. Depending on how much or how long he has consumed P (from childhood apparently), then that flatline might last quite a long time, months to even a year.

Despite what some people might say, the ship has definitely not sailed! He seems to be aware of his problem and if he is getting blood tests and visiting sexologists then I think things will be fine after sufficient time, if he's actively dealing with this issue. Also, I don't know where you live, but personally, my libido takes a dive during winter months and it ramps back up during warmer months.

 

Yeah winter is a killer for me also. great for reboot though.

 

Let him complete 90 Days complete Hardmode. It may even take more time depending upon how many years he was addicted and what kind of genre he watched

 

As I see it, porn addiction is mainly an addiction to certain behaviors that trigger a rush of dopamine and not a sex addiction. However you can't take sex out of the equation. It has to do with sex, libido and in a relationship it can be considered as some form of cheating.
Even when someone consumes porn (with or without masturbation) only once in a while, it is a sexual act. So I wouldn't consider someone as asexual who does that. But it's true that someone can loose appetit to sex with the partner while still using this "tool" (toy, drug, outlet).

From my own experience I can say, that also the frustration about my sex life and my porn addiction sometimes leads to a certain asexuality, if you want to call it that way, although the porn addiction is still present (since it's an addiction).

I can imagine that even for a person who does porn only once in a while it can be similar, but you have to take into account other psychological aspects, I believe, and of course it's also a relationship problem and can't be regarded only from the "porn angle".

Then there's the question @LittleSakura you also need to ask: is he telling you the truth?

 

Here’s a thought... not for sure what he’s going through... but do you know porn stars are transgender and lying about it? I’m all for people making their own decisions... if you are a trans person, cool. No hate here. It’s just the dishonesty that I dislike. There’s something big going Olin in the porn industry and Hollywood and beyond. There is so much available for you to study on the subject. Transvestigation will get you started. So, it might be possible he’s asexual or other... but realizing that all the female porn stars are biologically male, may help him take a step towards a heterosexual position, should he choose to do so. If that’s what he’s into.. so be it. But I will let you know there is great deception in porn. If you’re a straight guy, you would want to know if you’re being deceived into getting off to transgender people who aren’t being upfront about it their true biological identity. Best of luck... the rabbit hole has no end....

 

wait.... what?

 

What is it with you? You have a way of being absolutely unhelpful and condescending all the time. Lots of your comments on this site were like this. Don't you feel pathetic to just keep trolling people, who are really looking for advice? If you have nothing helpful or encouraging to say, maybe it would be a good idea to just say nothing.