Porn/Masturbation as desired Body Experience related to Trauma

I've been masturbating regularly since I was a kid, but didn't really start with porn regularly until about 5 years ago. I have been abstinent at times. I believe I have some sort of complex PTSD and/or Attachment Trauma.

Today I was watching ASMR, and I realized that I seem to have some need for "stimming" (for lack of a better term). About the only thing that calms me down and makes me feel peaceful is swimming in the ocean. It's the floating, gliding, and especially being pushed around by the waves. I like cycling, especially at night when I get in a rhythm, and the rest of the world sort of disappears, and it's just me pedaling in circles and gliding. Also, I'm a bit of a musician, and I love it when I hear music I connect to and it makes me want to play, or dance (be silly - swoop around the room and whatnot). It has to be something that's very immersive. I think all that's normal to an extent, but I seem to have a problem, and am looking for relief.

I usually feel uncomfortable in my body before I want to P and M. It's partly because it's a habit, but a lot of it is that I want to "check out". I need some sort stimulation or "reset" (apart from sexual desire). My body won't calm down.

Can you relate? What healthy things work for you?

 

I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. Some of it is more or less just relaxation videos, depending on how you take it, but even wholesome stuff can be triggering for P addiction. There is some crossover. I'm not sure it's healthy. If watching someone drawing pictures chills you out and helps you fall sleep, it's one thing. If you are trying to get an interpersonal fantasy experience and feel good all over it's another. A lot of the comments are from depressed lonely guys. Sorry, I should have said something.

 

Getting out of my head is a major problem. I'm kind of disconnected from the world. When you are "in the zone" or "in flow" are you also connected to the world around you, or not? I have found that doing a brief "body check", paying attention to how I feel, helps me be more grounded.