Decade+ Extreme PMO Addiction @24yo - Daily Journal

Hello all, my name is Matthew and this is will be my personal journal. My journey so far in life has been very hard, lonely and unique to say the least. I will lay this all out so others can draw encouragement and I am hoping this will have a cathartic effect on me as I have never told most of this to anyone. God knows I'm going to need all the help I can get.

As the title suggests and where I want to start this story is with my addiction itself. I've been in the porn game for over a decade. I started as soon as I hit puberty, about 12 years old. During that time, all the way up until now, I watched porn hours per day and masturbated easily 4 times per day (6+ for my teenage years, just shy of 10 being my record for a single day). This behavior of mine was fulled by a few things that I need to lay out in writing for myself and for anyone reading to understand what was going on in my head that caused this. I still remember the first pornographic video I watched at 12 years old. It is imprinted in my mind despite all of the countless other videos I have seen since then. Up until the age of 14 I was a pretty normal kid. It wasn't until the porn addiction as well as many other things I will discuses soon began to take root and expose themselves that I began to really struggle and fight for my life.

I grew up with social anxiety so extreme I dropped out of high school freshman year and finished high school by homeschooling. I played video games and watched porn all day for about 4 years straight. My only somewhat real friend was my cousin who lived next door who I grew up with, though he is now technically shunning me (get into this later).

I feel in-love with a girl this at church my family took me to. I never felt this way before and was obsessed with her but obviously, I had zero social skills. I loved her for over 4 years, while only talking to her a hand-full of times. This killed me at the time and looking back, this was a problem arising out of my inability to connect to people, probably arising from my extreme porn addiction.

I had a great childhood in the sense that I had everything I wanted. Loving parents, middle-class, a brother and sister, a dog, big extended family, couple friends and so forth. The best parents in the world. This all fell apart as I finished up online high-school. I became extremely depressed because of the aimlessness of my life and all the spare time I had. The lack of friends and of never having a girlfriend was killing me as well. I was isolated to an extreme degree. I wasn't able to connect to people or the world. I still cant connect to anyone. I literately had no life.

I became an alcoholic from the age of 16-19. My father let me drink a fair amount. It wasn't enough for me. I bought a fake ID. I drank 12+ beers someday and about 6 on the average day. I hide a bottle of Everclear in my bedroom drawer one time.

I was very close to my father. I worked with him all day and saw him at home afterwards. I spent all my time around him, talking, learning and bonding. I worked with my father in his construction business for a couple years until I was about 20. My father passed away when I was 20. He was the only one I was really close to in life. I tell him I am going to take care of the family while he is gone. I held his hand as he died in our home. I liquidate his business and all the trucks / equipment he owned. I wasn't ready to run it, I wasn't good enough.

This is where it becomes more unique. You see, I was raised in an extreme fundamentalist christian cult. This cult is not you're average church. You are indoctrinated from birth to believe their doctrines. My family took me to church 3+ times per week growing up. That doesn't include the preaching we were expected to do. Sex was taboo. The end of the world was imminent. It could happen tomorrow. You can only have close friends in the church (no joke). You can only date within the church. You can only survive the end of the world by being in our church and listening to us. I remember books from the church l would read with pictures of people not in the church (referred to as "worldly") getting murdered by meteorites in the end-times.

I began to awaken from my indoctrination after my fathers passing. This was harder than my actual fathers death. Words can not describe what you go through after waking up from a life-time of cult indoctrination. I went through a period of extreme meaningless and trying to find answers to life since I had just found out everything I was told to believe was probably false. 2+ years of searching for answers.

At my lowest point during those 2 years, I got black-out drunk one night and went to a brothel. I got scammed somehow and am still a virgin as of writing this (don't laugh). I also developed a nervous system disease called hyper-hydrosis during this time. The extreme stress exerted on me messed my nervous system up and I basically cant regulate my own body temperature. I'm either cold or hot. When I'm hot I don't stop sweating. This caused even more social anxiety and isolation for me. Thankfully I have this managed now.

When I began to awaken I was kicked out of the church. I was shunned by everyone except my immediate family. They kept me at an arms length though. Literately nothing to life at this point, I would think. I became extremely depressed, I literately had no life, life had no meaning, I had no friends, I can't connect with others, I've never even kissed a girl, no career, no college, old friends shunning me, no one to talk to, everyone thinking I'm a crazy apostate, all well having a horrific porn addiction. My mom takes me to get therapy and start anti-depressants. I have a bad reaction to low dose Lexapro. I don't leave my room for days. My family becomes sacred for my own safety and barges into my room one afternoon and just sits there with me in silence because I didn't feel like talking. I had thought about suicide often but I would never do it. I have a younger sister and I told my dad I would watch the family. I just mention it because my family though I would potentially. I am not an attention seeker.

This is where things begin to look up. I get past my searching phase after leaving my cult. I begin to figure out the kind of person I am and want to be. I begin focusing on myself and ignoring what others do and think. I begin going back to college while working. Life is still black and void of color to me but I focus on myself and improving me.

This brings us to current time. I am a lot more level headed and self-aware then I ever was. I am in a period of extreme self improvement. As I look back I cant help but see that porn as contributed to many of my problems. I literally remember not fapping for a fews days and being normal and able to talk and connect with others. As soon as I relapse I shut down and go be by myself. Porn has taken so much from me in my life. I would say I am good looking and I'm very into bodybuilding (always have been my favorite hobby) but I have still never kissed a girl and am still a virgin. I am now 24. My life is looking up, but I struggle so much everyday.

This is where I've come to a cross-roads in my life. I have an extremely addictive personality, I have been even told so by my therapist. In short, I realize my life will either go in 2 directions from here. I stay a porn addicted hermit with no real life, or I quit and live a colorful life. There really aren't any other options for me. The way my life is going, I wont be able to survive my porn addiction any longer. It makes me not want to have a wife. I know love is the only thing that will let me survive this life. I don't know how much longer I can last alone sometimes. My family still keeps me at arms lengths. I have no one.

My family makes fun of me for being single and never having a girl friend at 24. They don't realize their in a cult. I wont marry someone who's in a cult. I've been set-up with girls in the cult but rejected it. Partially from being so awkward but also because deep down, I always knew something was wrong. My brother is dating a girl who is mental ill and on meds, as well as being in a cult. They already broke up once. People don't have common sense anymore. Like I said I focus on myself now.

This is where I am at in my life. I feel like I am playing catch-up in life but its ok, better late then never. I'm only 24. This is it though, I can honestly say my life depends on quitting porn. I just wont have a meaningful life if I don't. I wont have a reason to be here, that being love. Porn makes it impossible to love. It has destroyed me and broken me down to the point of total self loss.

That's my story. I'm not special, I just want others to see my success that is coming and know they can do the same. I will quit, this is the last time. I've made my mind up. This time is different because I know what is at stake. It's either my addiction or my entire life. I will be journaling my progress everyday. Besides that I just want to say thank you!

 

Day 1 - I rested most of today, had off work. Urges not to bad. I listened in to the weekly nofap check-in. That was cool hearing other people my age going through the same thing. But overall not to much to report today.

 

Thanks, we got this.

 

Day 2 - I felt some urges an hour or so ago and I'm about to head to bed when I know it gets worse but I am confident I'll be fine tonight. Might stay up just a little later so I'm not just lying in bed awake. Otherwise I planned a bunch of activities this weekend, trying to stay busy and distracted. I'm feeling very good and confident about this.

 

Day 3 - Feeling very good, kept busy all day. Feeling some urges creep up now around bed time, I am confident though.

 

Day 4 - Felt good today, very minimal urges. I am confident and feeling very good. There is a girl on-campus that I was going to try and ask out this Tuesday so I'm kinda nervous about that but I'm feeling good.

 

Day 5 - Felt some urges but resisted. Very strong mentally, I’ve made up my mind. Cute girl on campus I’m going to talk to tomorrow, very nervous. Wish me luck for that and to not masturbate tonight.

 

Relapse yesterday, I know why. I was feeling really stressed out. I didn't have a strong urge to pmo, I just did it because it comforted me. I'm updating tracker, I wont make the same mistake again.

 

Late night check in but I’m doing good.

 

Really interesting information you gave, thank you. I was looking through those links and topics. I really do believe that any kind of drug wont help me quit, I have to decide to do it. Same with any addiction people have I believe.

 

You to man, good luck

 

Day 3 - I'm doing a check in a little early then usual. I'm about to get off work. I felt some urges, but not to bad. I'm trying to find some things to do to stay busy this weekend. This weekend wont be to hard I know already. Monday-Tuesday is when it will start coming at me. I'm going to work-out, get a little high and play some video games before bed.