I love my gf, but my arousal template keeps bothering me

Jonny1992 · Feb 10, 2022

I am thinking a lot about my GF and me. I love her, I feel comfort when she is there, we love to hang out to talk and she is the girl with the best heart I met so far. And thanks to my relationship with her, I learned a lot about a good relationship. When I see a girl on a street, at a doctor, or at work, that fits my arousal template, I feel attracted to her and at the same time not. My heart tells me: She may look good outside, but maybe she got no heart, nothing to bond to. I feel attracted to them, and at the same time not. And if I see a person who looks ugly, my heart also tells me: Well, you don´t know how she truly is, maybe she has one of the most beautiful hearts.

In the past, when I saw a girl, my mental filter always quickly judged people as ugly. But now it is waaaaay weaker.

The same is with my GF. She suffered a lot, she knows what suffering means, and treats people kindly. I can talk with her about things that are in my heart, and she can talk with me. But also here, I feel attracted to her and at the same time not. I miss that she does not meet my arousal template. And I feel bad for it. I do therapy, I pay for coaches to help me, I read books about relationships. If I could take a potion that changes my heart, so that I find only her beautiful and dislike big breasts, I would drink it.

I just don´t know what to do. I want to break up with her, to concentrate on my recovery, but at the same time, imagine being apart from her hurts like hell.

If somebody got an opinion, I would appreciate it.

ANewFocus · Feb 10, 2022

My wife doesn’t meet my ideal arousal template. But she’s an amazing wife. She arouses me more the less I use porn. It’s hard to know what our template is when we see the world through porn and addicted glasses.

All you can do is try to get sober and make a decision. It’s your decision and it’s your life and you have to live with consequences. The best you can do is be honest and let the other person make their choice. If they choose to continue this life with you, then it is their choice. Anything else is dishonest. She deserves to get to make the choice because it is her life.

Jonny1992 · Feb 10, 2022

ANewFocus said: ↑

My wife doesn’t meet my ideal arousal template. But she’s an amazing wife. She arouses me more the less I use porn. It’s hard to know what our template is when we see the world through porn and addicted glasses.

All you can do is try to get sober and make a decision. It’s your decision and it’s your life and you have to live with consequences. The best you can do is be honest and let the other person make their choice. If they choose to continue this life with you, then it is their choice. Anything else is dishonest. She deserves to get to make the choice because it is her life.
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that is a good point. thank you.

Rehab101 · Feb 23, 2022

This is from someone with only one sex partner here. I thought grass was greener all the time. I also had a very unusual hight beauty standard like only half of super models are good enough and think 95 percent of porn are trash....

With that said, obviously my wife cannot live up to crazy high expectation, I have to focus on the goods in her. Tell yourself one good thing about her everyday. Try to focus on the moment rather than "why she doesn't look xyz". (I did that before and there were lots of arguments)The more you think about the lack of something she had, the more issues/ uncomfort you create for yourself. I am not trying to ask you to change or reject your beauty standard. You got to embrace the flow and things as they are. Be kind to your brain. Don't be so tough on yourself.

Randy Andy · Mar 26, 2022

Jonny1992 said: ↑

I am thinking a lot about my GF and me. I love her, I feel comfort when she is there, we love to hang out to talk and she is the girl with the best heart I met so far. And thanks to my relationship with her, I learned a lot about a good relationship. When I see a girl on a street, at a doctor, or at work, that fits my arousal template, I feel attracted to her and at the same time not. My heart tells me: She may look good outside, but maybe she got no heart, nothing to bond to. I feel attracted to them, and at the same time not. And if I see a person who looks ugly, my heart also tells me: Well, you don´t know how she truly is, maybe she has one of the most beautiful hearts.

In the past, when I saw a girl, my mental filter always quickly judged people as ugly. But now it is waaaaay weaker.

The same is with my GF. She suffered a lot, she knows what suffering means, and treats people kindly. I can talk with her about things that are in my heart, and she can talk with me. But also here, I feel attracted to her and at the same time not. I miss that she does not meet my arousal template. And I feel bad for it. I do therapy, I pay for coaches to help me, I read books about relationships. If I could take a potion that changes my heart, so that I find only her beautiful and dislike big breasts, I would drink it.

I just don´t know what to do. I want to break up with her, to concentrate on my recovery, but at the same time, imagine being apart from her hurts like hell.

If somebody got an opinion, I would appreciate it.
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This sounds like the voice in my head: "best heart I met so far" let's get away, far away. There is a negative voice in my head, looks like you have it to, that hates what is good. Tries to sabotage all good things, prioritized by how good they are.
Before I got to the part of the OP that said "I want to break up with her" I thought "what a wonderful person, reminds me of my life partner". That's why it's so suspicious to me that there's the idea of breaking up with her. This random guy in the Internet can instantly see that she brings out the best in you, that's why that voice in the head wants to break it up.

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I love my gf, but my arousal template keeps bothering me

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