Just had my first slip up while trying to reboot after 13 days of no pmo. I'm proud of myself for making it this far and am starting my counter over, hoping to make it all the way to 90 days.
Thanks y'all! I broke it again today mostly out of boredom but really want to get to 90 days. I'm tired of self sabotaging.
A lot of it's just kind of this feeling of boredom and aimlessness. I don't know if there's necessarily a specific trigger. After 13 days I was feeling really clear. I get into this space where it feels really hard to do anything, like there's some sort of block. I'll go into this sort of dissociative space where I'm just looking at social media a lot (though not always) or like smoking a ton of cigarettes and not really eating or leaving my room. It sucks because I'll have some really good days and feel really interconnected with friends and feel like I do have a purpose. Sometimes there's a lapse in momentum and sometimes there isn't. I've been watching porn for 13 years now, starting when I was 13. It sucks because when I pmo all these oppressive scripts will get stuck in my head and my body and I'll feel dissociated when I do go out in the world which only adds to the feeling of isolation and a cycle starts. I'll feel like I don't want to see anyone out of shame. I'll feel like I am a bad person and I'm colluding with the oppressive energies I want to help keep at bay in the world, but I channel them when I watch porn. I'll watch some fucked up shit. I know I am capable of love and freedom and helping others find it, but I keep giving into this tempter. Yeah a lot of it is boredom and frustration. I'll self-isolate. It really sucks I have a crush on a friend of mine right now, and told them I do. It feels like I can't be vulnerable about this with people I am close to. I don't want to put this on them, or maybe just see me in a different light. I also don't want to be fake. I understand it is a physical/psychological addiction, I struggled for a long time with alcoholism and continue to smoke cigarettes even those have both negatively impacted my life. In a lot of ways it feels like porn is the most harmful addiction I have because I feel like I am directly deriving pleasure from this demon. At the same time I know I am love. I just want to be able to show up consistently as a place of freedom and care for those I love.
You sound like your head is screwed on well and you've taken time out to reflect. But also that you feel in a dark place. Acknowledging that part of you is just that, a tiny PART of your current might help to not let it consume you and make you down and upset. Give yourself a break, go for a walk outside, appreciate the surroundings and think about the 99% of you that is good. Best of luck M
