Shoot my shot with a friend today and I am confused

She is a long term friend of mine. 8 years maybe. She has been ill for years but she have seemed a lot healthier recently and even started flirting with me the last few times. She sits closer, she holds my hand every now and then, a little more assertive in general. So I started responding by flirting back. We reached a point today where we had some sort of moment where she realized what was going on. We were just done eating a pizza from a restaurant at her place. We sat shoulder by shoulder on her couch and she flicked trough old pictures of herself on her phone and asked me if she looked pretty. I told her of course, always. I was touching her knee and thights but only briefly. Then I asked her to play some sort of game. I choose to call it the friendship test but it really just is a way of asking her to put her hands in mine and then see if she squeezes back. She refused, then she told me to stop when I touched her. I turned away from her for a couple minutes. She didnt say a word but started smiling as if she started realizing what I was asking from her. I started flirting with her again but showed a little more restraint, took a step back. She leaned into me a little and started showing me stuff on her phone again, smiling. Then after a couple minutes more she spaced out and just smiled. Staring out in space. She was positioned so that I could kiss her but given that she had just told me to stop after trying to escalate, I didnt feel like it was a good time. I asked her what was on her mind. She told me she was confused. I told her I was going to leave and that I will see her tomorrow at six. She looked at me like a question mark. I repeated: I will be here tomorrow evening at six with some pizza and some beer to celebrate your birthday. You look tired so I will just find my way home. She told me "oh, ok. I thought you said we were going to have sex". She was acting odd. Meeting her again tomorrow. I guess we are both confused. I dont know where to go from here. I want to keep her as a friend but I also dont want to just pine over her if friendship is all she decides to settle with. So after tomorrow, I might stay out of touch with her for a while. My intentions are romantic and sexual. She doesnt seem to have made up her mind. I dont want her to hold me back. She is one of mybest friends so hell will freeze over before I loose her as a friend. But I might need to put the friendship on pause if she doesnt want to go any further.

 

Since you took your time to replying, I can give an update. I am on 17 days of no contact. I told her before I left on her birthday that I will be busy for a month. That was the day after this post. I realized that I cant sit around and wait for her. I am not sure what I am waiting for even. My feelings for her are holding me back. She has been a good friend and hopefully she will continue to be once I get my shit together. She doesnt expect to hear from me in another two weeks. I havent heard from her. I was tempted to invite her out this weekend since I am in her city anyways, meeting a good friend. A girl I have always been good friends with. But after thinking a little, I realized that even after 2 weeks I am not over her at all. I will have to do no contact for a while longer. My plan is to wait until she asks. She will get impatient at some point and want to hang out. A confession would be natural. But I also know deep down that a relationship with her is a bad idea. She is pretty but is that really where I put my bar? If she is pretty, I am willing to put up with anything? I have been blind. I am still blinded by emotions. I dont think my intention ever was to be with her forever. I wanted to be with her for as long as it works out. It was a recipe for failure. So I am just meeting my girl friend next weekend and I wont even let my crush know that I am in the city. The second girl would actually be a better match for me. We are both meditating and can have spiritual conversations. She has her life together. Not neccessarily going to hit on her but I shouldnt close off all my options because I have feelings for one girl. I am rambling. I want to focus on my reboot now. I need less drama to have an easier reboot. If I am going to date at all during the next 100 days or so, I want it to be easy. I have a talent for ending in a complicated clusterfuck of a mess.

 

I didnt realize that so many people commented actually. I havent burned all my bridges with her. She is into me, no doubt. But for some reason I think she doesnt want to risk the friendship. I cant write about all the subtle cues in here. It would fill a book. I am good at picking up cues and since I have made it perfectly clear that I like her and she responded slightly negative, I didnt push it any further. I am exploring some other options. She is a pretty and self confident girl. If she is that into me, she will let me know. It is not unlike either of us to take a month break every now and then. Sometimes she has feelings for me. Sometimes the other way. But chemistry is all that is holding this together. We are not really compatible. And someone above said that a platonic relationship isnt possible. When the attraction is mutual, it is really hard. I will focus on my reboot for now and see what happens. I have many attractive friends and I am not into most of them. If they were single, maybe things would change though but I am not waiting around for any of them. I am going to friend zone my crush and limit our time together. I will be completely honest about why I am withdrawing. Girls value friendships above relationships. And oddly, if she sees me as relationship material she will hold back and mess up my chances all by herself. Girls see relationships as a downgrade in many cases. Guys obviously see it differently. I am not cynical enough to cut her out of my life entirely but I wont make as much room for her as I used to. The ball is in her court. I wont show any sexual interest in her. If she makes up her mind, I may reconsider. She doesnt have forever though since I have a lot of friends and I am meeting new girls every week. Sooner or later I meet someone I like more and I dont know what happens to our friendship then.

 

It would seem like I am trying to punish her but emotions are tricky. Mostly I am just trying to focus on my own wellbeing. Some wise zen master once said that if you truly love someone, set them free. The thing is that I fell in love with her and she clearly doesnt feel the same way. I have to let her go. I dont know right now how our relationship will be in the future. For now at least, I am letting her go. I havent blocked her on my phone or anything. If she starts to miss me, she can always reach out and tell me that she had a change of heart. I havent heard from her at all in 20 days. Its not unusual for her to not reach out. It is unusual for me though. I think 20 days maybe is a new record for me. I have no idea if she have even noticed.

 

I read the replies. I appreciate them but I am not. sure how to respond. I have an update since last time around though. I was in her city this weekend. I didnt intend to break no contact yet but I was meeting a bunch of friends so I asked her to hang out after not talking for 3 weeks. Emotionally I feel over her. I was on dates with two other attractive girls that weekend and I have a date today (met her at the dentist office). I believe it is possible to be friends with girls. I have a lot of them. But I need to be able to keep romantic emotions and intentions out of it. I need to set those boundaries for myself since she has less boundaries with being flirty than I do when I consider a friendship vs relationship. The line goes when she holds my hand I believe. And a couple other things that couples would do. I dont think chemistry in a friendship is a bad thing. It makes it fun. And I dont mind that she likes to pretend we are together in public. Emotionally I have let go of her. Now I am just considering how much touching I will feel comfortable with moving forward. I hardly touched her at all last time. The result was that she seemed to get a little dissappointed and didnt want to hang out for as long as usual. We were at her place and she got bored. She wanted to do something more fun next time. It is in line with her always mixed signals but I dont want to invest more into it. Paradoxically, she seemed more attracted when I pulled away. And I was more relaxed. I pulled jokes I normally have kept to myself. I was more myself. The way she looked at me were different. It all doesnt matter too much since I have 100% given up on her. She is not the woman of my dreams and never were. I will keep the friendship and I will meet on my terms. We have a crash of interests sometimes. I have told her no to all of her crazy hiking trip suggestions. She is too fit for me to enjoy it. She wanted to go to the reptile zoo next weekend. That is something I like and are considering. I will be away most summer. It is intentional to make completely sure I am over her.