Effects of thought and mental wellbeing on p addiction, fetishes and past trauma.

Hey guys,

So this is going to be a long read but I do believe that it'll motivate some of you or even change your life, as it did change mine.

A quick summary of what I have been through:
I am 24 years old and during my years in kindergarden I THINK I got to witness a scene I wasnt supposed to see as a child which can be classified as "trauma" I guess and ever since then I have been exclusively sexually interested in this particular act/fetish.
I am not going to hide it, if you look up my post history you'll know what it is but here it is again: My fetish is fat people sitting on other people for sexual gratification. As bizarre this may sound it is true unfortunately. Ever since I saw my fat kindergarden teacher to that to a young kid, I was schocked, and that had become my only sexuality throughout my puberty. Fueled with a heavy P addiction of course for years. I'd try to get my bigger friends to sit on me, read fiction stories online, consume every single fetish material available on the internet, escalated to extreme homosexual p*rn and joined gay sites just to chat about my fetish as I needed more and more stimuli to reach the same high as I did years ago when I first googled "fat women". I do have a fat fetish. But I never understood why. Theres nothing I like about fat people, it is just that act, regardless of gender. I have been through depression, almost jumped in front of a train.., was severely anxious all the time, had severe HOCD, felt like I failed everyone, thought my life was over.

With time I started to read about the types of attractions there are, because my goal in life is to marry a fit woman and have a healthy relationship. I never fell in love, most likely because I kept feeding my brain with dopamine all the time and never got the chance to explore what else life has to offer. The thoughts of dying alone in this world also would make me feel very depressed.

All of this happened in the span of 7-8 months. I came to the conclusion that the REALIZATION of my problem is my first step to freedom. It is as if God wanted me to go through this to give me a reason to stop edging, feeding my brain with p and artificial bizarre stimuli. I am thankful that I didnt continue, but still my past comes to haunt me all the time.

Now, I am reading a book by dr.joe dispenza called breaking the habit of being yourself and one particular sentence that stuck with me was "thoughts have consequences so great that they can create our reality". Wow.. what does that mean? So If I keep telling myself I have this fetish, I will not only feed it, but also convince my soul and my body that I have it and I wont be able to get rid of it? That sounded so true. Everytime I go through life happily and Im working on my business (Im an "entrepreneur"), literally miracles occur, its as if the law of vibration works! I get what I am, regardless of what Ive done and went through. So If I live in the present moment, without allowing my past to tell me what I am, I can create a new reality? I started to read on neuroplasticity and how thoughts have the same power like our daily actions. I then came to the conclusion that our brain doesnt know whats real of fake. All the fantasy thoughts about p*rn, all the emotions associated with it, even the environment, puts me in the same mental and emotional state meaning the all the things I have went through plus the trauma (I will get to that later), shows up again and the same images play on repeat in my brain, causing my body to get back into the state that I dont want to be in ever again.

A trauma, whether its phsyical or psychological, often times is a result of something schocking, unresolved thats buried in an individuals mind that re-occurs and occupies the mind whenever scenes, thougts, actions and memories associated with that event pop up in our brains. In my case, my mind couldn't come to terms with what happened back in kindergarden, so all the urges I had during kid to act out on this were just attempts for my brain to come to terms with it, to understand what happened and to process it. Since it cannot, it has sexualized it and tries to play out a scenario and tries to come to terms with it all day everyday, and with no result, it remains unresovled, therefore my addiction to fetish material got worse and worse.

Now you can try all the things thats out there on the internet like orgasmic reconditioning, ignoring it, acting on it, seeking therapy, or remain celibate your whole life. None of these options really made me confident.
A quote from Eckhart Tolle's Book: "I don't like myself" - what he really meant what that "I" and "myself" were " 2 different beings. We all go through life thinking that what happened in the past whether its a fetishized trauma like mine, or anything other that shaped or altered the course of our life, we all think that thats who we are, but I am here to tell you guys that its not. Really its not. The past is gone, shake hands with it. Isnt it time to create a new personality? How is that done? Of course its easier said that done but dont we all have a voice in our brains that tells us what to do which we ignore because we're too lazy? And then we have the voice that whenever we want to do something that tells us "just relax you got time" or "whats the hurry?" 9 times out of time we listen to the voice that tells us not to do things or to do things we feel comfortable with. That way we will never change. We will remain who we are forever if we let that voice tell us what to do. You might think what does that have to do with p*rn addiction? Well, in my case, it had a lot to do with it. Watching and consuming p*rn and fetish material had become sort of a coping mechanism for me and my brain in which it felt confident safe. I literally had the same personality for a decade, expecting my life to change. I always hated myself, but I thought that thats just who I am. Now I come to realize that that was bullshit.

I told myself: I am not going to let my past, this fetish and my addiction tell me who I am and what my future will look like. If I hate myself, then its time to create a new "myself". I am not even the same person that woke up this morning. We change every minute, each thought, each emotion, everything changes us, so lets change for the better. But you cannot create a new "myself" with the same personality. You literally have to create a new personality (or "rewire" the brain for something better). How to do that? First of all as many of you know, stop watching p*rn. Get out there and socialise, exercise, eat better, sleep better, work on something, pick up new habits, everything thats new for us creates new wires in our brain and once you find something that sparks your dopamine in a healthy way such as working out you wont even need or think about p*rn and all the things youve watched anymore. Quit social media, go full ghost mode. Read and practice about mindfulness. Be grateful, share with others, help others, pray, dont ever be stuck in that victim mentality and ask the universe "Why me?" like I did. Why not you? Who would you suggest? This is a test for you in life are you willing to accept it? Lets "man" up and do the things we've ignored for so long. Lets meditate, lets care for our brains. Always remember that thoughts have consequences so great that they can create our reality. Please guys, no matter what it is that you're going through, whether its a fetish like mine, sissy, escalation go bizarre stuff, HOCD, or whatever it is, accept that all this has happened, forgive yourself, dont ask the universe "why me". Please know that what we are going through is something not even most therapists know about, we are going through stuff that is so difficult but so rewarding at the end because we know what its like to be at the bottom. All I want is to help man.

The steps I want you to take: You should already have cut off p*rn from your life. Forget about a counter, this is your lifestyle now. Read books, learn about real intimacy and love, hit the gym, do cardio (take care of your body and mind!), eat better, sleep better, help otheres, give (if you want to receive!), pray, prove your old self that you can become a better person, whatever it is that youve gone through, its over now. You shaked your hands with it and you kicked that person out of your mind. Now the thoughts and memories remain. Feed your brain with natural stimuli, whatever it is. Sing, read, play an instrument, try to excell in your job, pray. Stop living in the past and asking the same questions on here all the time like I did. Dont create an endless loop of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Again, your mind cannot tell the difference between reality and thought and each thought you have has the power to create your reality. Dont let your body take over (the urges I mean), everyone has those. Trust me, the urge to hit the gym will drastically improve your life. And the more testosterone you build up, the more the real "you" will step forward (talking to my male homies). I dont even know why I wrote this post. I woke up this morning with a lot of gratitute and felt good. I remember months ago where I almost killed myself. And I know that there are many people out there that feel like this. My english is not the best, and this post might not make any sense, I dont even know if thats the right category for this post. But please, do something, dont fight the addiction, fight for a better version of you, its you vs you, not you vs p*rn. P*rn is gone now, bye bye, dont dwell in the past. Each urge you have tells you that your brain is rewiring. Your brain wants it, dont ever give it what it wants, give it what YOU want.

Again: THOUGHTS HAVE CONSEQUENCES SO GREAT THAT THEY CAN AND WILL CREATE YOUR REALITY.

Im sorry if this is a long read, I just want to help you guys, as you have helped me. You and this forum is the reason Im still alive today. Lets change for the better. I love you guys.