Another disaster in the bedroom last night (271 days in)

I can tell you that relapsing to any P vanilla or not is a significant set back so i would start by eliminating relapse completely.

My advice is to take things slow if you dont feel like you are ready. 9 months is not long enough for some and recovery can take a long time but you will get there. Take the signs as progress and keep moving forward.

My longest streak has been 16 months completely relapse free and at that point i was 50% recovered. Ive never had pied but i have had severe paws.

 

It sounds like a lot of performance stress when it comes to sex?

 

Why do you believe you have to have a hard-on and penetrate her when being in bed with a woman for the first time? Can't sex and intimacy be more than that? When mutual trust grows it becomes easier to try together whatever you fantasize to do.

 

Post acute withdrawal syndrome

 

It's like you see yourself as the victim of the modern dating scene and still need to prove you'll be able to succeed under these circumstances. Why don't you take responsibility and date according to your own rules?

• Create different dating situations, e.g. Sunday afternoon in the park, any activity without drinking...
• Go with the girls who let you take your time.
• Take your time, no matter whether she lets you or not. (When I was in a similar situation I simply announced when we started to make out, I wouldn't have penetrative sex on a first date, and made it seem like a general rule of mine.)

It's your brain that is the sex organ that primarily runs you into disaster - not your penis. If you can't relax your mind, it won't relax your dick.
Remember, good sex is all about relaxation.

Possibly true and sad, but this is an issue females themselves have to deal with and make sure to not let their self-esteem depend on the well-functioning of the organ of another person... and if the communication between you two is good she will know if you really care about her from plenty of other things.

 

Yeah...it goes like such... I'm in the same position and in early 20's.

 

Sex goes well if you manage to screw her for 30 seconds, by any means...?
You might have watched (almost) no P for 9 months but to me, this still sounds like a P-mentality approach to sex and dating.
Good luck though.

 

A good 3-6 months harmode might help you in this case.

 

Hey there Wix -

I replied to your other thread following this one. I'll let you read that as well as a lot of it still applies to this. However I still felt it necessary to drop by this one after reading it and gathering some more information for you.

Let's start off with something you said in particular. You've been doing this for 10 years. That is an incredible wealth of personal knowledge and experience that you can reframe and use to your advantage. It may be easy to refer to this as a 'failure,' but addiction and recovery is a lifelong endeavor. There is a reason that even after decades, alcoholics will still refer to themselves as said amount of years clean, and not 'cured.' It's why we call a relapse a relapse and not an outright failure. You've suffered these before, but you've obviously kept going in some way - and that isn't failure, that is progress. You can look back on this time to help you adequately prepare for the next day; you know how you react to your triggers, you know what has led you to relapse in the past, you know how to avoid it now. Magic word? Reframe it. You didn't fail for 10 years. You have the experience of combating this for 10 years.

You may or may not realize this, but in reaching out and detailing your thoughts and feelings over this, you might have uncovered exactly what you may feel you need to do. I would agree in the notion (that other users here seem to be recommending as well) that you may need some more time to reboot and recover. Three months is a good start, but let's focus on one day at a time. That's the best way to frame this, according to many 12 step programs and similar doctrines for dealing with these issues. If you think about being deprived of something your brain craves for X amount of time, there will always be pushback. But just getting through the day, the next 15 minutes, you'll have much more of a fighting chance in the mental arena. That's one of the next steps you can take.

The simplest way for me to put this would be like this: Dating right now doesn't seem to be working out for you. That doesn't mean there's a problem with your character, it just means you likely need some more time to recover. I know it seems like you need to have this need fulfilled. I've been there, and it's not fun. But something in your brain is telling you this, as it looks to me you know that a break from dating is on the table and may be necessary. And, after all, it's just a break. It certainly can't do as much harm as the stress you're going through now. Especially if there's constant thoughts of intercourse on your mind, your neural pathways won't be able to recover properly if they're constantly stimulated and waiting for another hit of dopamine. But it can become quite the mess as all these different emotional responses occur simultaneously as you've experienced. You're going against a brain that wants dopamine. Your brain, the one that knows you inside and out. But you are in conscious control, and that's what gives you the edge here. It's how recovery occurs. (Another example: Your brain may not feel particularly attracted to a piece of broccoli, but it wants the Reeses' Cup. Obviously, you know which one is better, but your brain is going to want you to have one in particular.)

Give it some thought, but be kind to yourself. You're a fighter - you're on 9 months now? You can do this. The more active you are in your recovery, the more beneficial progress you'll see. It won't happen overnight, but that's because you're working with little victories rather than one massive one. Someone doesn't just start working out and wake up the next day looking like Dwayne Johnson. It doesn't mean it's not possible over time. You've already proven you can be successful with every day you were clean.