I stopped eating properly for the last 2 days, I haven't been outside in a few days. I am probably a text book definition of a coomer. I blame OCD, depression and whatnot. I escalated hard to now gay porn. I've peeked gay porn a couple of times (i.e nearly escalated) in the past. I've had really bad intrusive thoughts about gay people, and really gross ones in my dream (it was r*pe). I woke up disturbed. Now that h-ocd is kicking in full force and it's like I am possessed. I've tried seeking help but my healthcare system will take months to find me someone. I lost count the amount of times I fapped and watched porn. It was a variation of bi, sissy, gay, femboy, transgendered person, even sissy hypno. It's never ever been this bad before. 11 years this disease can taken control of me. I am gonna order some food to just fill myself up. I feel so gross.
Why is that I am watching porn to humiliate myself? Is it part of porn addiction? I used to watch very dominating stuff, only straight porn and lesbian porn. Now it's this? WTF? This genuinely doesn't feel normal. I know I am not gay because I have had gay people flirt with me and I said no, I felt uncomfortable. And also, a mutual friend who is bisexual and sometimes weird, sometimes flirts with me but I don't realise it until after when I get a random thought about what happened during the day. Again, I don't feel anything about it. YET PORN JUST DEVOURS ME? This is fucking weird. I hate porn.
You're right, it's all part of the addiction. To get the same dopamine hit, you'll eventually need more and more stimuli, which for PMO addicts like us means ever kinkier porn. You're not alone, I started down the same road. Many on here have. But there is hope, a beautiful REAL woman will again be your only focus, just get away from porn. You need to reset your brain and body, both are corrupted by your addiction.
Like most other guys I started out watching regular porn. I moved through the stages and ended up watching old granny porn and I mean old, not mature women, real old grannies with young guys. Granny gangbang and stuff like that. It disgusted me, really disgusted me and yet I continued to seek it out. I moved onto live webcam sex and spent a fortune on that. This is all part of the addiction and when we move into areas we don't want to go or areas that disgust us that is when the addiction has got a very strong hold over us. Try not to let it stress you because that won't help the situation. Try and see it for what it is, your addiction has escalated to a higher level and it will continue to escalate seeking out harder and harder porn and grosser and grosser porn until you take back control and refuse to let it treat you this way. Good luck
Don't beat yourself up. I just read Gary Wilson's book on porn and this is common. You aren't a special case, this is common to esculate to extreme and shocking content. Not sure what your diary is like but can you cram it with things that will keep you out of the house, away from screens?
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...ould-stop-me-from-relapsing-right-now.334963/ Read my thread please. Quitting PMO is ridiculously easy, especially if you feel that you're torturing yourself by PMOing
Bro, you need to quit it ASAP, and I promise you will recover. I can see you are feeling very desperate now and that is great. You have to accept the fact that if you keep living in that way, you life is nothing but fucked. Find the hope in desperation. That's a good start.
I escalated to gay stuff too! Seems this stuff is toxic no matter who you are! I think that I watch it because of loneliness, because I self-insert into it. Do you do that? Or is it just the "high?" It might be worth investigating the deeper mental reasons as to why these things happen! Good luck!
Thank you for the responses guys. For me, transgendered person porn confused the hell out of me. Still does to this day. And I think I've convinced myself to the point of just accepting that a part of likes trans people? Which is weird because I could remember the day I saw a penis on pornhub and immediately felt repulsed (it was straight porn). Let me explain how my porn addiction started **TW MENTIONS PORN**: For context, I was sexually abused mostly by my Dad, some other men included a family friend and older cousin when I was underaged. My mother also did that same but it was mostly emotional incest - but i cant be sure since my brain blocks it out. I think it started from hotline call channels on TV from 11 (I came across it once when I was 6). I used to watch at night when everyone was asleep. I used to watch it at night, that's when they were topless. Then I discovered porn images on Bing, then pornhub. I would only watch lesbian porn because I genuinely found penises gross to look at other than mine obviously. Then strap on, then I decided to watch straight porn and I remember to this day I tried to keep myself calm ("I know this penis makes you uncomfortable because you don't like naked men, but just focus on the girl") as I fapped desperately. My H-OCD also started around then. Turns out OCD has a 'voice' that likes to gaslight you into obsessive over things you don't like. When I experienced my first ED at 13, I freaked out because suddenly that meant that I was gay. I got so used to lesbian porn and because it wasn't hardcore (women are very gentle in the bedroom, that's how they get turned on and orgasm) I got fed up and switched to hardcore straight porn. I felt like I created this warp reality whenever I went to bed at night. It was paraphilic almost. Then I remember I felt that "taboo" feeling and watched gay porn because the straight porn one night wasn't doing it for me. I immediately felt turned off but also reassured that I wasn't gay. So now a pattern has been established. I am now not weirded about seeing penises, in fact I get annoyed when the camera only fucking zooms at the guys junk, and when they guys make noise I just think "shut the fuck up, I wanna hear the woman". In comes transgendered person porn. I am 14 and I think wtf is this? They are women with guy parts? I've never seen this before but I am intrigued. It started from images but when i watched the videos, and they sounded like guys I fuckin freaked out and just closed the browser. That's when i became very sexually confused. I would still watch trans porn because they looked like women, and I would watch them with girls but also sometimes guys. I would avoid looking at the dude parts for both genders until I was like fuck it, let me just watch the dude parts. At first it didn't really do much for me, but I slowly got turned on over the years. I would get fantasise about my female crushes having guy parts and girl parts. Then randomly, I would get gay instrusive thoughts about my best friend and other guys in the school. This didn't make sense because I would only have crushes and feelings towards girls in school. I would fuck around here and there with girls in my class. So that did confuse me. At 15 age onwards, I basically 90% of the time watched transgendered person porn. And then I stopped for a bit (Because it was hard to focus in school, i would get intrusive thoughts about transwomen, like flashes in my head. It was also hard to fantasise about my crushes with a penis suddenly appearing. Really fuckking disturbing) and watched straight porn instead (to stop the transwoman thoughts) and sometimes lesbian (but lesbians arent hardcore, which is what porn escalation does to people). Then very rarely gay, then realise that I dont get turned on, thus the cycle. Since I moved out of my parents house, I had very intense gay fantasies for around a couple of weeks straight. But when I left my room, I wouldn't feel any remote attraction to men. Genuinely. There was this one guy that I spoke to in where I had this weird feeling, but it was the same feeling I had with my dad. A tingling feeling in the stomach looking for safety. He also in a weird way resembled my father. I didn't think much of it and after some long ass research, I realised sexual abuse can cause sexuality to "change" or at least cause hypersexuality. Nevertheless, I still loved women. I tried hooking up but it didn't go so well. I am proud to say that I do attract women but I struggle with intimacy. I am currently battling my weird bisexual thoughts (bi, sissy, femboy, cuck) that just come and go randomly. AND IT'S ALWAYS WHENEVER I AM IN MY ROOM.
Do you guys get this erotic rage voice in your head, like a creepy voice as you want to feel like escalating?
Oh gosh, your story is horrible, my heart goes out to you. I'm by no means an expert on this, but sexual abuse at a young age can lead to all sorts of problems in later life, especially when it comes to sexuality. You really ought to seek professional help to overcome this sexual trauma, I fear that there is only so much any of us can do in practical terms.
The most important thing you can do is to work through the abuse trauma with a professional. The PMO and hardcore stuff that you are watching is possibly exacerbated by the trauma and sexual abuse that you endured as a child. Get professional help first and then work through your addiction on here.
