My obsession with sex, chat rooms, apps, sugar babies etc

Hey guys,

Not a first time here, as I logged in I was able to see my log from 5 years ago when I was 29, now I am almost 35 and still have to battle my addiction.

Addiction is not a stranger to me, I am almost 7 years sober from Alcohol, still very active in AA and sobriety it's a blessing for me.
But ever since I got sober I found about my sex addiction, pretty early in sobriety, I also went to SLAA which is a great program.

Since the very young age I was pretty horny. Now I was able to remember that even in kindergarden I remember episode during sleep hour I was touching a girl sleeping next to me, taking my underwear off, not even understanding what am I experiencing. Then I was trying to touch my cousin when we both were kids, I don't think I was even masturbating back then, really a kind just having this urge I didn't understand.

I am just saying it too express how deep and early it was in me. Facination with girls. I was dreaming about sex in my teens, masturbating to some magazines as I didn't have a computer or internet back then. I only lost my virginity at 17, with my first love. But ever since then I was chasing girls for sex.

Then in my late teens I got computer and internet and was spending a lot of time in sex chats, and regular chats trying to find girls for sex. Often getting a hit after talking to girls online about sex and edging for hours. It was such a long time ago but it is still my pattern to this day.

So anyway, few years ago I met a girl. Interestingly I met her on one of the sugar babies website which I was using mostly to find sex with a regular girls for money. But somehow I met this woman and we started a regular relationships. It was good for the most part, and while we were together I had no urges. I didn't masturbate or look for sex with other girls. In fact while I was with her my sex drive went down a lot, I was forcing myself to have a sex even once a week with her. I just didn't had libido, maybe it was a problem but I was glad that I am not living in this sex craziness. I thought maybe I am cured. Probably I didn't watch porn or fapped for almost a year, pretty efortlessly but I was having a regular sex with my gf.
That's actually kind of creates a problem for me because I start to think: oh see, if you only have a normal gf again everything would be fine, you would not struggle and humiliate yourself, so you need need need to find a new gf. Which not a healthy state for me as I start to obsess about it.

Then we broke up during pandemic, I watched porn for a few times but then returned to NoFap, maybe for 3 months. Then I slowly returned to sugar babies website, had sex with couple of girls. Then I returned from US to my homecountry and was using sugar babies site there, and that's where I started to obsess again. It was cheap and girls were young and pretty and I was just having new girls every other day basically. And doing regular dating, and also kind of having a permanent girl I was dating with. I let myself lose.

Porn isn't my biggest issue, but mostly edging, sex chat, dating apps, sugar baby sites. I am basically trying to find real girls online with any means nessesary and also edging while doing it.

Now I am back to US, I have a work from home job, and I fell into this trap again.. I am spending hundreds dollars on dating apps, sugar baby sites, spending hours in sex chats, all during my wokring hours and I can't force myself to do my work properly. I think I am going to lose my job soon but it can't stop me. I am trying to get back on a train and get my life back but so far I was not able to.

I need to start regular excercise, going to SLAA meetings, eat less. But I am afraid that with my current job and work from home situation it's almost impossible. Probably I can't manage working from home. I wish I could give up internet alltogether but I don't know how. I have a lot of free time, I am bored to death with my work, I don't know what is my life direction is right now, it makes my plans so harder to achieve. I feel like I need to change my curcimstanses first.

What I want to do is quit all dating apps, quit seeking for relationships, take a year off sex and of course masturbating and porn.

 

To illustrate more, I just need to get off my chest. Sorry might be triggering I'll try to avoid sexual details guys.
Last week I got a match in one of the dating apps. Older women, about 10 years older than me. (thanks to porn I kinda developed this taste for older ladies or maybe because I see them as an easier targets as they don't get as much of attention as younger girls).
Anyway, from her profile it's clear: she is insane. Literally mentally ill. Her bio is just bizzare, some nonsense that her ex following her, just random stuff mentally ill person would write. Some weird photos also of her scars and police report. I start to chat with her anyway, it get sexual and she basically not against me to come over to her place, she sends me the address and she lives 5 mins away from me. I am kinda afraid to go see her, because she is insane, I don't know if she lives alone or not, or maybe she will have some crazy episode and will attack me? But I couldn't resist the urge, and I leave even tho I should be working as it's a work day.
So I arrive, and she is looking fine but she keeps telling me her nonsense, and I don't care I just want to get my hit. So we start to mess around. But after that I feel totally bad. I basically took an advantage of mentally ill person, she is someones mom and friend I didn't care about anything but me. I need to stop it.

 

Yes, I know that I need to address this addiction in the same manner. Go to SLAA meeting and work the program. I moved and I don't know if there is any in-person groups around me but planning to attend some online meetings this week.
I did remove my sugar babies profile. Funny, I removed it so many times. Probably spent more than $1k on this website, because I delete my profile, then I create it again and pay for the premium subscribtion. Pure insanity.
I still need to remove 2 dating apps. I struggle with it because I have some contacts with a real normal dates which I am not sure I must avoid... but probably I should give it up.

I hope I was. banned everywhere.

Anyway I have 1 day, stayed clean yesterday so keep moving.

 

I feel like I need to change the way I live. This working from home and isolation putting me in position where my sex addiction florishes naturally.
I keep dreaming about going TOTALLY offline, meaning give up smart phone and computer all together. It would be a totally life change for me cause I been spending pretty much most of my life in front of the screen online. I don't know maybe it's too radical. Maybe if I had an interesting job it would be different. But would be nice to have at least job where I had to be offline, but I am a programmer.. what else can I do, only cheap labor jobs. I was dreamign about starting my business but seems I am not at managing myself, I failed or not trying.
All I know is I need a change.
Sometimes I think what if I just move to some place with cheap rent, so I can make little money and be able to live there, at least for some time. Give up my laptop and iphone, get a dump phone and just live simply for at least some time.. Just to get clean in my setting it's really really hard. Hate my job, constantly at home and bored. Eating too much, lonely.

 

Thanks. I still have one dating app, even tho I am disabled my profile.
I have two potential dates with normal girls lined up for the next couple of days. But honestly? I am not excited about either of them. I don't know should I just cancel or just go there for some normal human interaction, not expecting anything from them. I might do that dont' think it will be too bad. But I have to remove the last app I have.
Also I need to delete my google voice account, there I have some girl contact I don't want to use her again.
Day 3 clean. I ate well, did excercise, went to AA meeting. Feeling much better. Lord have mercy and give me some strength to make it another day!

 

How do you mean? I don't feel anxious in general. Or how to do so?

 

Day 5 almost over.
I went on a date today, I guess now I can remove the other app. It was fine. Girl I was not excited about, but did not have any expectations.
Okay probably I want to don't go on any dates or talk to any girls at least for the first 30 days? Or more?
I don't mind going on dates, but I might get to obessed with it.

 

Day 6 almost over.
Had some urges, but not for P or M. But for womens attention. Tried to text one girl I had sex with, thankfully she ignored. Messaged to couple of girls I have on bumble. And on insta.
I just crave some women attention, but it usually at the end of the day leads me to M and P.
Also, reading this section of this forum I feel GRATEFUL that I haven't developed some weird and extreme fetishes, like other guys did. Thank god. But I have a lot to work for.

 

10 days.
Feeling kinda down this evening. Accidentaly opened and watched about 3secs of port on some imageboard, not reseting my counter over it tho.
I feel sad because the girl I was on a date two days ago didn't respond my message. She wasn't even that hot and I feel rejected, damn.
I felt better for a while. Been working out consistantly. I have couple of more dates lined up. I am back on both dating apps, and spending money on them, but I justifying it by saying to myself okay you dont M or watch P, not paying for sex, so dates is healthy. But maybe I just need some time off this shit. But damn it's hard just to ignore the urges. I am keeping this options of dating open for now, will see on results if I fall I will adjust my behaivor.