Addiction to Being Hard

Hello, my name is Henry, and I am addicted to masturbating.

Some of the language used in this post is raw and may be triggering.

For about 20 years, I have been masturbating regularly, not to porn, but in chat rooms talking to others like me. The frequency was periodic, but not compulsive. Lately, however, my behavior has changed. I have been masturbating 5 or 6 days a week, sometimes twice a day. Porn has not played a major role in my sessions, it is more about the chat, often accompanied by non-nude pictures. The recent escalation has included camera sessions where I would masturbate while another person watched and commented and directed. This behavior has been highly destructive to my intimacy with my wife.

I have been contemplating the destructive behavior I described above, and trying to figure out what has driven me to this point. I have derived great arousal from masturbating on camera. My addiction is more about being hard than it is masturbating to ejaculation. I crave being hard - that is what drives me. I equate being hard to being a man.

I think the root of this behavior comes from a point of low self-esteem. I have a relatively small penis when soft. This has bothered me since I was in high school, aggravated by name-calling and derision by other boys in the locker room. However, my penis gets substantially larger (2+ times) when I get hard. I think they call this a grower. So being hard makes me feel better about myself - makes me feel more like a man. And I get pleasure from demonstrating that to others on camera. Women say that they feel pressure based upon their bodies, but I think men also suffer from this pressure.

I reread this post and it sounds crazy. How did I get to this low point? I am committed to overcoming this addiction - to putting this behavior behind me.

 

I have tried working out, and have done it regularly over the past 4 months or so. This is helpful as a distraction. However, I admit that working out lead to arousal. I have lost weight and added muscle, and that has added to my self-image. However, it makes me feel like I want to show that off - including to my chat room associates. I will continue to work out because it has great health benefits.

 

My "appetites" for masturbation content have also changed over the past few years. I think is part this has been due to escalation - the need for an ever-increasing depth of stimulation to create that same Rush. I have moved on to showing pictures of my wife to other men and fantasizing / discussing watching them fuck her. This is new and even whiel I have done it - it is shocking to me how I got to this point. I would edge during these chat sessions - often gong o camera to show what I was doing.

 

Thank you for your comments. That takes courage to put on paper. Hang in there.

 

I am still struggling with my addiction to being hard. I feel so alive when I am hard - I feel so much a man. It makes me feel powerful. I need to find a suitable "replacement" for this feeling.