Porn Addiction has destroyed my life. Goodbye

Before I start I just want to thank everyone that has interacted with me during my time on this forum. This is going to be a very long post. I'd like to say that your advice and compassionate messages were highly appreciated and I will forever appreciate them. This might be my last post here. I'll be moving onto the hereafter very soon and I'd like to tell my story of why I choose to do so. I'll be reading some of your replies and then moving on. I hope you can understand my decision.

Porn has absolutely destroyed me. In every literal meaning of the word. It has corrupted my mind, made my future bleak and has caused the worst type of depression I've ever experienced. At just 20 years old when I'm supposed be energetic and excited for the world around me, I'm a depressive porn-addicted anxious nihilstic mess of a human being.

When I first discovered Porn at 12, it was an exciting experience. Imagine a 12 year old who has never interacted with girls see naked bodies for the first time. It was exhilarating. I couldn't stop watching, sometimes I'd watch 12+ hours In a single week. IN A SINGLE WEEK! I can't put enough emphasis on this. It was literally an addiction from the very start but I didn't know back then. No surprise, my preferences changed. I watched every type of porn by the age of 15 and I couldn't seem to satisfy that hunger for more. At 20 right now, porn doesn't feel good anymore, which means I don't get satisfaction from everyday activities either anymore. Which just feeds back into a negative feedback loop and I can't get out of.

Looking back at myself, I notice that while porn was super addicting, it was always a coping mechanism for me. I'd use porn to cope with my isolation and my lack of self-esteem which porn contributed towards. I was a very introverted teen and my experience of being bullied early on made it extremely tempting to escape reality via porn, a reality where I was accepted and I got what I desired. I didn't need to work or hit the gym, all I had to do was a couple of clicks and I got a dopamine hit that nothing else could provide. I was in a sex segregated school for most of my puberty years, which meant I had no access to the other sex, further making me watch more porn as I seeked to satisfy that sexual need. To be honest, I could count on one hand the amount of females I've talked to which says alot.

At 15, I knew I was addicted and that's when I found NoFap in 2017. I made an account here back then and I was able to go 30 days clean the first time around. An achievement I've never been able to replicate since. After those 30 days, I went back to porn yet again and It's been a depressive struggle ever since.

To prevent this being 100 pages long, I'll fast forward to 2022. I'm 20 years old and my use of porn has escalated from a controlled 4x a month (Where each relapse was 3+ hours long.) to 2x a week. Porn is my coping mechanism and I now use it when ever I get a bad grade at college or feel even a bit stressed out. Just a side note, I was a A* student before 2022 and now I'm an F. Porn is the reason and I can't seem to unshackle myself from it's grip. My tastes are yet again escalating and the fetishes are escalating as well.

2 years ago I also discovered

Spoiler: Could be a trigger

Porn Captions / Gooning

. Whenever I feel stressed or just generally having a bad day, I get these flashbacks of these images encouraging me to go back to porn and saying that I'm a loser. I've internalised those statements and no amount of positive self talk seems to work. I just feel completely hopeless. I hate myself for discovering this and I hate myself more for being addicted. The shame and guilt is just too overbearing on me and I don't know why god is making me suffer like this. What did I do to deserve this? Everyday I see people who do wrong in the world being rewarded with happiness and money and here I am with depression and suicidal thoughts.

The worst thing about this is that I don't look like someone who could be addicted to porn. I'm tall, relatively in good shape and somewhat intelligent. If you talked to me, the last thing you'd think was that I was a porn-addict which makes this addiction even worse.

Years of being exposed to Porn has also made me unable to achieve an erection without it. No surprise there either I suppose. I also can't even interact with women in a non-sexual manner. I always go into these conversations with women with the thought of sex and maybe achieving that. No surprise then that I don't talk to women that much either.
Excessive porn use has also destroyed any self-discipline I once had. I make irrational decisions that I can't explain and I suffer from really bad memory, I'm honestly scared its dementia. Brain fog is recently really bad and I suffer from maladaptive daydreaming which descends into porn fantasies. Porn fantasises are getting more and more time consuming especially when I go to bed, where I could fantasises for hours about having sex with this made up woman in my head.

I'd like to fast forward to today and why I'm writing this post. I just had a job interview I was really working hard towards, and I absolutely flopped it. I couldn't solve or answer a single question. When my anxiety levels increased, I suffered really bad urges and honestly it took over my mind. They were uncontrollable and the most extreme urges I've ever had. I returned home with a single focus in mind and that was to relapse hard. I did just that. And right now to be honest, I'm having urges yet again just after a 2+ hour relapse. Just shows you how addicted I am that while I write this I'm still fighting urges....

I know this post wasn't structured well but I just wanted to vent. I see no hope and I just want to end this all. Alot of you guys here who are on high 'streaks' were exposed to this shit in your late teens/early twenties. My generation's mind is being moulded to being attracted to porn and its just so hard to rewire those brain connections that have been formed during the time your brain is the most plastic (10-15). I can't deal with this shit anymore. My entire life is a boring depressive mess and porn is the only thing that's somewhat exciting... I just can't imagine how this addiction will get even more bad once I start to encounter the real stresses of life like bill, debts and raising a family. If I relapse over a stupid grade, imagine what I'll do when I'm behind bills? I'm scared to think of it..

Anyways cya guys...

 

Hi there,

There is a book: Out of Shadows - Understanding sexual addiction.

Consider reading it, it is quite enlighting.

Regarding your situation:

1. You don't need to be that guy.
2. Sure, you are caught in the vicious cycle.
3. It is usually combination of factors that happened to you so that you have got addicted. Bad Childhood, Single mother house hold, mean breakups.
4. You feel like you don't matter and that you don't deserve to be with someone.
5. You wonder how any woman could possibly chose you.
6. Read the book.
7. Trust me, you are better than this and you don't deserve this.

Nobody does.

8. Regarding university:

A. 20s are easy but important.
B. Set schedule, start to use pomodoro method to get your grade up.
C. Consider picking up some side job and start investing.
D. Stock Market is down.

This should give you headstart.

Never believe that you cannot make it. You may change the world one day.

And read the book!

 

Remember you are just 20 years old. You can quit this for sure. You will have your whole life ahead of you.

I pretty much wasted my entire twenties because of this shit when I got addicted in my late teens. I am 32 now and only now feeling like I am winning the battle against P. You can do that much sooner.

I know it fucking sucks, but it can be done. Read some of the testimonies of people who actually recovered and see how fucked up they were when they started. You can do this too, everyone can.