Beginning of a Journey

Day 15

No urges or temptations yet so far. I will be busy at work today and won't have time to think about porn and/or masturbation. One thing I thought about yesterday was that I do not want to be like those guys on "To Catch a Predator". The show stopped running a couple years ago I believe but reruns are still on TV. I was thinking about it for some reason and I kept telling myself if I continue to watch porn I am going to turn into of those "predators".

To prevent that from happening just have to continue with my clean habits and hobbies. I have read so much and written my dream project in the last two weeks. I have also learned database programming and improving my communication by taking this online class. Just need to spend more time doing these - there should be no time for PMO. I relapsed 7 times (3 times just MO and 4 times PMO) and next month when I do this challenge again I hope to cut the number of times I relapse by half and then the following month when I do the challenge again I hope to have 0 times of relapsing. This challenge is about patience, persistence and progress. I know one day I will reach the "promised land" and be PMO free and living a clean, healthy life that is full of hope and optimism.

 

Pakatan,

Thanks for the encouragement. Yesterday and this morning were BAD for me. I was hard on myself and about to lose hope but after reading your entry and reading other entries on this site made me feel better. This is very, very, very tough. I was doing so well for like 3 or 4 days in a row and then back to square 1. I will try out the tracker and thanks again!

 

Day 16: "You never fail until you stop trying." - Albert Einstein

I am going to read the above quote everyday. I relapsed twice - once last night and then again early this morning. I'll blame it on the alcohol. I had wine yesterday and wasn't drunk but feeling a lil tipsy and tired. I was in bed reading and finishing up some wine when i started randomly thinking of some clip I watched the other day. So ofcourse I put the book down, turned on the computer and went to one of the tube sites and started fapping to the video I watched the day before. Total relapses so far is 9. It is a struggle but i have to do a better job on fighting the temptation and visiting this site more and spend more time reading other peoples struggles and triumphs. Also I plan to shutdown the computer earlier in the evening and force myself to read a book before bed. For the past two weeks - every morning i have been waking up and writing about 1-2 hours before work. Its just today where I fucked up and didn't get to spend time on my project.

I get mad but then when I see Einstein's quote I remind myself that this challenge is hard, no one said it was going to be easy. And even though I fucked up 9 times its ok. Still have next month and the month after that and again the month after that, etc. My goal now is to keep the # of times I relapsed at 9 for the rest of the month. I have to do a better job on avoiding porn. I found this site earlier: https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1tejif/the_big_list_of_tips_tricks/ and it has some good tips on to stay away from PMO and feel better every day. I read it before I posted and will read it again now and read it everyday. In fact I am going to save that as my default home page so anytime I even think about going to a tube site I will see that list and remind myself of why I am doing this.

 

Day 17: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional" - Haruki Murakami

No cravings or urges last night. The next few days I will be busy planning for a trip this coming weekend for homecoming at my alma mater. It will be nice to get away for a few days and reunite with some old friends and people i haven't seen in a long time. One thing about PMO is that when you keep doing it you feel like a junkie. You become at times lazy, your mind is polluted with all those images and you can't think straight, your anxiety increases and you feel awkward around people sometimes, you will start to avoid people because you are depressed. All this creates loneliness and loneliness triggers PMO. Yesterday morning after I did PMO was upset obviously and thought to myself that 2 or 3 days before I was on a roll. I felt more confident, I was relaxed, thinking clearly and everything was just working out. I want more days like that. But after I PMO i start thinking negatively and my day is ruined. Luckily I read some posts on here and felt a little better and wasn't hard on myself the rest of the day. I reminded myself that the challenge is hard - and when I think about it 9 times of PMO and/or MO in 17 days is not that bad. Normally it would have been 20 or 30+ times in 17 days but the fact that I cut it down to 9 is an improvement. Still there's a lot of work to be done and I know I will get there. Next month my goal is to cut that # in half. So if I manage to only have relapsed 9 times at the end of the month then next month when I do the challenge again that # will be 4 or 5 times. Then the following month a couple times and then the month after that 0. Its all about progress. Its all about patience.

 

Day 18: "Anyone can hide. Facing two up to things, working through them, that's what makes you strong." - Sarah Dessen

"The important thing is not how long it takes. The important thing is that you refuse to give up"

The past 48 hours I have been strong and committed. No urges, no cravings, etc. I continue to wake up early and post on this site first thing and read the PMO free book. One thing that has been on my mind lately is this co-worker of mine that I really like. We have worked together on the same team for about a year. I really want to ask her out and I have been wanting to do this for a long time but always afraid of making her feel uncomfortable and obviously me getting rejected because i would think she would say no because of our work relationship. But the last couple weeks I have been saying to myself I better make a move or do something before its late and I regret it. She's single - never talks about a boyfriend or anything. I figure it is worth a shot. Even if we start going out we don't have to make it official yet cause it will be a few dates before we decide if this is going to work out. SO fuck it! I am going to go for it. I'll ask her for lunch, dinner or something and if she says Yes then this is great for me. If she says no - and whatever her reason well at least I tried. This has been occupying my mind last few days besides reading, exercising and writing. And I would rather think about stuff like this than PMO.

 

Days 19, 20 & 21

I was busy the last few days catching up with some friends and family. But unfortunately i still managed to find time to PMO. Last night I got back late and decided to have a glass of wine. Well we all know that you can't just have one glass. So i kept having more and got a little drunk. I started thinking about porn, got horny and then went to one of the tube sites and started fapping. I did it again this morning. So I have relapsed a total of 12 times so far on this journey. Again it sucks but other times I would have done more probably 20-25 times already in a month. Next time I will not drink by myself and/or really force myself somehow to be in control and just have one drink. So last night and this morning sucked. But there is a brighter side to this story - the girl from work that I am interested in, we had a talk and we will be going to happy hour for a few drinks. Now its not just me and her - there will be other people going which is ok I don't mind. I will definitely be on my best behavior and not go out of control because i do not want her and my other co-workers to think i am a drunk and ruin my chances. It is a good start to hang out with her after work and I will try to find other things to do.

Well I have 8 days left and I know as a beginner it is hard to stop. When i do this again next month I want to cut that # (12) in half and no porn. If i have to MO i want it to be no more than 6 times. Then the following month cut that # in half again to no more than 3 and then the following month 0.

It is such a nice day outside so I am going to go out and enjoy. Try not think about my relapses and PMO. Just enjoy the weather and continue on with this journey.

 

Day 22: "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be" - Albert Einstein

First off thanks to all the support and feedback I got from you all. It means a lot!
I am ready to begin another day, another week. I was out of the house most of the day yesterday after I posted my entry. I got back late in the evening and was online but didn't even think about porn. This morning I was reading an article about sperm donor banks and how the employees research and select porn for their clients. I was reading this on my phone and part of me wanted to close the article down and just open up another window to view one of the tube sites and luckily that didn't happen. i was in control and just started reading other things that were of interest to me.

8 more days to go! Hope I will be PMO free for the remainder of this challenge.

 

Day 23 and Day 24

I relapsed late monday night. I woke up in the middle of the night at like 2 something and just couldn't go back to sleep. And turned to PMO and ofcourse I had no trouble sleeping afterwards. Last night no cravings, no urges. I was busy cooking and catching up on TV shows I missed.

Six more days to go!

 

Day 25 and Day 26

Past two days have been ok. I relapsed wednesday night. After today just 3 more to go. Looking forward to finishing it up strong and starting over again and to make sure i PMO less and then the following month try it again and again till I get a perfect score.

 

Days 27 & 28

Friday night, Saturday morning and afternoon were bad. I relapsed 3 times. I lost count - maybe 16 or 17 times i have relapsed. I was disappointed and a little hard on myself last night for not finishing the last few days of this program strong but my short hiking trip earlier this morning really helped. I woke up early and decided to drive about 1 hour away from my home and explore the blue ridge mountains. I was on a short trail but that time i was there was so amazing. Not only because of the leaves and the color it changes to in autumn but the fact that I was away from technology. No phone signal, no temptations. It gave me time to think, reflect and just put things in perspective. Just like Superman has his fortress of solitude - I have mine too. It gave me time to think and analyze my strengths, weaknesses, revaluate my goals, etc. It was definitely a good recharge or reboot. I just got back home now and I have a couple days left on this challenge. No matter what I am still proud of myself for doing something about my problem now. Next month I will do even better and one day I know I will make myself and everyone here proud by finally eradicating this addiction.

I know the key is just to keep yourself busy if you really want to beat this addiction. I need to do a better job of keeping in touch with friends/family. Reading more and finally doing the things that i have always wanted to accomplish but just put it off because of procrastination, laziness and anxiety all due to PMO. I was also thinking this morning that the short period where i was PMO free - a 3-4 day streak, I was at my best. Don't I deserve to always feel that way? Why am i preventing myself from feeling in control, at my best? I heard this on the radio while driving back "An idle mind is the devil's playground." So true - if we so much free time it will definitely be wasted on something we shouldn't be doing.

 

Day 29. No temptations. I was busy at work and when I got home spent most of my time reading and cooking. I was looking up stuff on meetup and what I should join. I already contacted someone at a local toastmasters club to get more info and attend a meeting next week. I am starting to list things that I wanted to do but kept putting off because of laziness. I hope the next time I do this challenge I will have a better and longer streak. I failed 17 times the first try at this challenge and I know i won't fail 17 times again next time. I will do better. I will keep myself busy with expanding my social circle and getting back in touch with some friends I have lost contact with. The only way to beat this addiction is as I said the other day to keep yourself busy. "An idle mind is the devil's playground".

 

Day 30: "I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how do it" - Pablo Picasso

I can't believe 30 days has come and gone. Time really does fly. Well I will be starting all over again tomorrow. I believe I will do a better job because I know what has to be done and how to do it. Sure I know there will be some temptations - always is. Like now for instance - as I turned my computer on and opening the browser I was thinking of masturbating. Even when i refused to look up porn, my mind was still convincing to just fap and that it is ok - day 30 its the last day so go ahead and fap like nobody's business. Nope. I went straight to this website and started typing for my day 30 entry. Thanks again for all the support and advice the past 30 days. I hope to see many of you on my next reboot soon.