Over the last quite a few years, I'm ashamed to admit, I know I've been addicted to porn. Actually made it to 90 odd days in 2020 just before covid hit and I allowed the stress and anxiety to be excuses to allow it all back out. Lately I've been very in to exhibition, always been an underlying part of why I got hooked I think. But the thought and act of being naked or semi naked outside of my bedroom is quite a rush. I get that this coud be a normal kink but is it more problematic given a history of serious PMO addiction?
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I once made it to 60 (not as long as 90) but to me that sort of seems like progress, but once again I fell back down. Anxiety and fetish really have gotten to me more than I'd like to admit. Exhibiton is not really my thing, so I honestly can't relate to you there. But I sort of have other... Well... Let's just call them interests I have. Maybe you and I could talk about some of this stuff more. Especially since I lost my last accountability partner. Who deleted his account for some reason. Would you be okay if I privately messaged you about some things?
Hi.. Always open to talking and helping but honestly I've just started this journey again so not looking to be anyone's accountability partner.
Just posted in my "sorta journal" about this too, which ended up with a question I'd like to open up to the community. I've been working away again and hotels are definitely a trigger point for me. Spoiler: Warning My hotel this week was a corner room, High up, two floor to ceiling windows on both sides. All I wanted to do was PMO with the curtains open and lights on. Go on cam. Sext people. Take pics n vids. C2c and generally being an exposed and humiliated whore. So having NOT done any of that stuff and successfully making it back home. Why do I feel worse and like I've missed a great opportunity for some PMO pleasure??
First question, why is it that hotels are triggering for you? second, why do you feel bad about this if I were you I would honestly be happy that I am now refuting my porn addiction and taking steps to become a healthier person. It is most likely the case that you are either flatlining or having some withdrawl symptoms, I remember having similar feeling getting over my whole "black-pill" phase. You should definitely open up to the community a bit. Or you could just talk to me about some of this stuff. I definitely have some similar thoughts and feelings sometimes, and I feel like it is messing up relationship opportunities for me.
Thanks Virtual. Hotels were the place my addiction really took hold and escalated. The anonymity of it meant I had less fear of really being caught. But allowed the feeling of being exposed with less risk. I was alone a lot in hotels. My question exactly.. I should have felt great about not giving in to the urges, but strangely just felt like I'd missed a great opportunity.
Hotels have historically been a bad place for relapses with my fetishes as well. You’re away from everyone and you can do whatever you want. I can relate to those feelings of a “missed opportunity” when I don’t take advantage of an opportunity alone. However, that feeling eventually goes away with time. Your body misses the adrenaline and the dopamine. Once your mind heals, that feeling of missing out also goes away. Try not to feel bad that you are feeling this way, it’s all part of recovery. Also, fetishes are strange. I’m not proud of mine and it takes courage to talk about fetishes, even to an anonymous audience such as NoFap. So good job opening up to this community. Try not to equate self worth with your fetish. It’s a psychological issue, one that you have to manage. I’ve read that fetishes never fully go away. We have to minimize them as much as possible and not give into them so they fade into the distance. Keep going strong. You can still have a fulfilling life despite your past!
My half decent streak (34 days) ended last week, and not been able to get more than a few days. Just almost paid the price for it too as I went out to the shops and couldn't resist wearing the wife's sexy panties underneath. Proceeded to the toilets and dropped my pants in the stall, risked opening the door too as it was empty. Felt myself getting hard just from that. Took everything off other than the black n red silky thong, put it all in a bag and walked out of the stall to go to the furthest one away from me and get dressed again. Couldn't help but stop by the mirror. In to the other stall, heart racing, cock hard... hadn't even got the door shut (but thankfully it was closed enough) and someone came in!!! Fuck!! So now, naturally, I want to do it more. Wtf!!
Have you considered getting help? Sounds like you could end up getting in some serious trouble if you keep going down the same road.
I can't seek help.. too much to lose if I bring this out in the open. I'm alone and need to not be stupid basically.
Unfortunately the addicted mind doesn’t think rationally and we end up doing risky things even though we don’t want to do them. And we promise ourselves that we’ll never do it again but somehow we find ourselves doing it again. And we are horrified when it only gets worse. Would it be better to preemptively let a select few know (who will keep it confidential) or get caught and end up in prison where it will be extremely public and life altering? I’m sure the prospect of telling anyone is beyond embarrassing but there are professionals who deal with this sort of paraphilia and know how to help you. You can leave this problem behind but it requires honesty and no longer keeping it a secret. It’s a big decision and is super scary, but so is the thought of getting caught where you become a sex offender for life. Just something to consider.
