Nice to meet you, buddy :)

Hi there, you can call me Fairy. I'm a 22 years old woman currently studying medicine. I decided to join this community as an act of redemption and self-healing.
I have been struggling with pornography for a long time now. I started consuming porn without acknowledging it at the age of 14. In those times I was introduced to yaoi and others "soft" +18 asian comics but, for me, it represented no threat at all. Slowly I became addicted to this kind of reading to the point I would procrastinate for hours. From then on, I lost interest in many hobbies of mine such as reading actual books and playing RPG. Nowdays, I also realize that my focus – that used to be great for a kid my age – began to decay since then. It contributed to make me open for new porn content and to develop a serious addiction in the future.
My "real" problem started at the age of 16, when I discovered masturbation and engaged on watching porn and hentai. I was going through a hard phase of self discovering and once again I saw zero threat in doing so. I would get back home from high school, lock myself in my room and watch porn all day until 3 am, only to wake up super tired and repeat this routine once again. My luck is that I have always been an easy learner, so it didn't affect my grades, though it really affected my productivity. As I was preparing for my entrance exams, I would always be anxious and it worked as a trigger for watching porn and masturbating instead of following my schedule. Sadly it's still a trigger that follows me on university life.
My worst phase happened after my grandmother suddenly passed away in 2018. I got seriously addicted to porn and my preferences changed to violent and unhealthy content. It was the first time I realized I couldn't survive a single day without it, it became a need, like food and water. I realized I had a problem, a huge one. But how could I solve it? I mean, there was no one to talk to and to make it worst I was a woman, "women aren't supposed to be addicted to porn". I tried talking to people I considered as friends, but the girl treated me with repulse and the boy sexualized my existence. It made me very sad, I never felt so impotent, disgusting, lonely and ashamed.
Long story short: it took me a long way to get here. Porn destroyed my self esteem and stole way too much of my precious energy and time. I still struggle a lot to completely free myself from this bad habit, but at least it got better. I don't feel the urge every single day, for example. The problem is: when the urge hits me, I emerge way too much in the desire and lose hours and hours of my day. It's been difficult lately because I recently got my first boyfriend and became sexually active, but he feels frustrated for not being able to make me reach orgasm. Also, some of his behaviors made me realize he's got problems with porn too. It makes it extra hard, because I don't want to reproduce porn in real life. I want us to have real, normal sex and actually enjoy it. Not just for the sake of a health relationship, I want to end this for once and finally break free from this hell. I'm tired of this, I don't want to like or feel excited to porn anymore. I want to feel excited with the touch of my lover. I want my focus and energy again. I want to deal with anxiety in a smart way. I want to be a healthy self-controled person.

I hope this community helps me during this journey of self-healing. We can always change ourselves and make a new whole version of who we are. So I hope I can make a new me that actually fits my mental image of myself. Let's give our best, nice to meet you all!!​