I've been trying to figure out connections between the obvious fake world of pornography and the real world. And I ask myself, since I have escalated and probably fried my dopamine receptors at a very very early stage in life, whether this is actually escalation I'm experiencing or that I'm some sort of weirdo. I'll write my post in the form of a timeline. - Kindergarden age: Saw my fat teacher sit on a kid. Started fantasizing about animals in those childrens book doing the same to me. -Elementary: Tried to get bigger friends to sit on me and was introduced to online pornography. Started out googling "big girl sit on man" or whatever and thats where it all began. - Middle School: Same behaviour, more extreme content, turned into gay fetish content (I was watching the big show trample rey mysterio and shit like that and other amateur wrestling vids on youtube). Also tried my best to get my bigger friends to sit on me. I also remember that one day I was watching a fat woman sit on a man on phub and my dopamine rush must have been crazy because I remember I literally licked the screen. I was watching fetish p everyday, for hours. - High school/college: Same shit. Turned mostly to gay squashing fetish content since at that point I had already seen every single female on male content available. I had watched every video, read every erotica, watched every movies I could think of that had a squashing scene in it. Fantasized about all types of shit, joined gay websites just to chat about it and literally did everything possible. I believe that I escalated to gay squashing content at the age of 15 or something, very very early on. It didnt take long until I started "noticing" heavy guys on the street too. Im not checking them out and admiring their bodies or anything, im just in for the possibility of getting squashed by them which never happened thankfully. So my main question is: Why am I NOTICING guys, that are related to my fetish in real life? Why do I find myself staring at them? Whats going on? It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not a fat fetishist, but I'm a fat squashing fetishist? And can the reason for that behaviour be that I have developed brain and thought patterns in my brain so that everytime I visually see someone is related or that looks like someone in the videos or images I have recently seen, that my brain automatically responds in arousal and bombards me with fetish intent and thoughts? Since it has been conditioned by my decade long fetish consumption to be that way, what else would I expect, right? If I never escalated and didnt get desensitized from female fetish actors, I would have the same behaviour towards female actors, right? I identify as straight, with no intentions of having anything with a man. I just want to fknow whats going on with me. Worth mentioning: the types of content I was fantasizing about and watching wasnt "harmless" by any means. I was watching videos of 2 600lb women for example sitting on a man breaking bones and shit. On that gay site that I joined to fulfill my fetish needs there were many death cases related to obesity. this fetish got me fucked up and this isnt porn induced. Ive been to 5 therapists and none of them been able to help me out. I talked about everything to them and they told me to embrace it. Fuck that Im not accepting or embracing anything till I win. I want a normal wife and kids, be normal and have a happy life.
It's nothing more than a Dopamine Rush being released in a large quantity! You better kick the thought whrbever it comes to your mind, don't let it grow! And stay the hell away from anything and everything that is sexual! It will bring you down!
It really is!!! Cant take this shit no more. Ive spent the last couple days asking myself the question whether or not I can ever have a wife or if I will ever be able to change.
Some people say acknowledge the thought and accept it but dont give it power, and then some people say kick every thought of your brain. Which one is the most effective? I am also experiencing anticipatory boners, meaning just like a drug addict when there are drugs available they get a high/rush, I get unwanted erections everytime a similar topic, or anything close to that is mentioned or if I see something thats highly related of some sort. Its so fkd up.
These approaches are most effective in combination. The healer and the warrior are both needed on the battlefield. Looking at the wound and accepting it is as necessary as defending your boundaries.
According to my own personal experience killing the thought as small as it is and switching your thinking into something else is very effective. I can't allow it to grow, it will turn into a Flashback than the mind will start releasing these unwanted chemicals to convience you to relapse, with the Flashbacks and Thought and the Dopamine ( I want that chemical ) released within you it becomes hard to stop and it will lead a relapse! Better kill the thought as small it is! Also, stay away from all types of triggering stuff!
Thanks for your response. I hate to seek reassurance but if I may ask you, after reading my post, what is your opinion on me? Can all those things be seen in the same light as being bi/straight/gay or am I just overreacting or what?
Hi! You are completely fine (well, as much as addiction lets you be). Unless you check in with a porn addiction therapist that knows what it can do to you, most therapists might tell you to embrace "who you really are". The brain is so easily manipulated that feeding it every day what it thinks it needs, will lead it to believe that is what it really is. I feel like the answer is right in your first post: you started going into gay because you exhausted everything there was in straight. You needed more novelty to keep the dopamine coming, therefore the more "taboo" ones. And yes, the connection between the body and the fetish is made unfortunately, so you will unconsciously check out people that can fulfill that fantasy. As for what method is better, try both, one at the time or switch them around. Everybody is wired slightly different so what worked for 10 might not work for you. The healthier approach is supposedly to acknowledge the feeling, so it won't grow hidden inside until it bursts. But if you can't do that as of now, definitely stop it right as it appears until you are strong enough to dive deep and cut the roots. It's no shame to take time to heal, that shit ain't easy!
Would you let me reassure you, or will you be able to reassure yourself? Do you actually need to be reassured or to be provoked? I may reassure you that this is not a story about sexual orientation that I've read. And I may provoke you by wondering whether it's even a story about sexuality. Maybe it's a story about SOMETHING else. I've read a story about a little boy witnessing a scene that incorporated SOMETHING utterly meaningful to him. The scene allowed for him to stage SOMETHING that his such young mind wasn't able to process any better in a fascinating tale that featured hippos and elephants. Retelling it again and again and loading it up with morbid delight provided relief compared to facing SOMETHING directly. When the boy became pubescent, he would sexualize the scene and find it reenacted in P. He would feed it over and over until it became bigger and bigger and really fat and he ended up being convinced that this was 'his sexuality'. Behind the lust SOMETHING kept lurking and reminded him, that there was REAL DANGER involved: And now there is a grown-up boy who prefers to imagine himself in this helpless position of being pressed down by this obese monster he got used to label and identify with as 'his fetish'. It seems to be still more comfortable to remain there than to stand up and deal with SOMETHING. He even invents and adds new concerns that sit heavy on his chest: Am I straight or am I gay? Can I ever have a wife? All these therapists that dare to try and take that weight away add their incapability on top of it. His own body reactions demonstrate he's doomed. Yet I'm also reading that this guy is starting to seriously kick his legs and writhe and realises that what was functional at a very young age has become very destructive long ago. Maybe he'll soon notice that he, the owner of this fantasy, could rewrite the scene, e.g. let that poor boy grab a needle and hit it into that fat hippo to make it burst like a balloon. Maybe he'll manage to reassure the little boy that NOTHING in this world (not almighty adults, nor his own high sensitivity, nor his sexuality or his insecurity towards girls, nor YOU NAME IT...) will actually squash him and break his bones (the inner healer must be empathetic and the inner warrior be strong and vigilant enough to convince him), and he'll eventually become a man. Everything else will follow.
Almost made me cry man. This is so true. Seems like my battle is of another kind which has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Gotta keep fighting lets see if time heals those inner wounds. I was freaking out a couple days ago, I'm calm now. Im sure though that my heavy porn use has contributed a lot in terms of escalation.
Great! This calm is exactly that healer energy: the eye of the storm, where you step out of the whirl of all the old stories and patterns of your mind and take a sober, courageous look at your wound. Every naked emotion you feel there is valid though - if you need to cry, let it happen. Yes it'll take time to heal, and you'll have to come back to this place again and again (at least now you seem to have an idea where it is, take a mental snapshot). Plus your inner healer needs support - if I was you, I'd go back to the one therapist I liked best and have him face SOMETHING together with me. Stay in touch, don't walk alone! And yes, ofc the P use has worsened everything and you're doing good in leaving it behind. You don't even need it anymore.
I wish there was a therapist that actually understands what it I am going through and not just prescribe me feel-good drugs. I will consider that, but for now I have decided to walk the path on my own. As far as porn goes, I have noticed increased sensitivity during my streaks with my longest being a little over a month. Once 90 to 100 days have passed, I'm sure normal stuff will eventually start to turn me on. But even if not, then it means that I just need more time. My biggest issue has been the uncertainty regarding my sexual orientation, but your reply opened my eyes and allowed me to take a look at my past only for me to realize that this is something else and not a question on sexual orientation. I am happy to say that the uncertainty is gone, and I know I am straight, even if I was not, still ok, but the uncertainty really bothered me a lot. I was suspecting that this is something trauma related last year aswell and I started reading into sexual imprinting, traumatology and just overall on how the brain works and I made good progress, and then the porn addiction came in and made me relapse. I just don't know if being self aware and identifying the root cause is enough for this fetish to "pop-loose"? Even if it stays forever which is ok at this point I guess, at least I wish I could bring the intensity down so I don't have to rely on extremely overweight people resembling the teacher from my kindergarden doing that. I think only time will tell, but there is hope. Lets see how the journey goes, but the most important thing for now is that I am calm and am not freaking out like I was a couple of days ago. again, thanks a lot man! Thanks to everyone that replied.
