"The chief motive of any addiction is, of course, to help one not feel what in fact one has already been feeling. Breaking the tyranny of the addiction will require one to feel the pain that the addiction defends against." What pain are you not feeling? What uncomfortable feeling are you avoiding, and going to porn instead? Have you ever asked this question to yourself? If you decided NOT to turn to porn next time, and instead just let any feelings come to the surface and give them permission to be present, what would that be for you? Maybe feelings like loneliness? Work stress? Painful memories? Anxiety about the day ahead? Relational stress? Maybe just boredom? This quote from James Hollis (author and practicing therapist for many decades) reminds us that in order to ultimately be free, we're going to have to start being okay with uncomfortable feelings. Rather than avoiding them and medicating them with porn and other forms of acting out, it might be necessary to do the opposite: turn TOWARDS discomfort. So what about you? What pain or uncomfortable feelings might you be avoiding when you turn to porn? And what's one small step you can take to start to intentionally FEEL that pain rather than avoid it?
Mostly the pain of being less than. Less than I want to be, less than what society values, less than what my ex valued. And in the same vain, the pain of achieving my actual potential. Working towards goals, cultivating myself, they take effort, they require determination, focus, strength to stay on the path. All of that is painful, especially compared to sinking to the easy comforts all around. Pmo allows me to escape all of it. My mind for just those moments can go into an a sickening cocoon and escape from all of it. It also loses its potential in doing so. Often afterwards I feel so weak, so diluted and unfocused that if there is any time in the rest of the day it is spent poorly. Going into the discomfort though. Denying the siren. I can try.
Thanks for sharing that. I think you're putting into words what so many of us feel. It's so much easier to turn away from the pain towards a temporary hit of pleasure. Only to find that after that hit is over, the original pain is still there, in addition to multiple other pains added in. The only answer to the pain is to turn TOWARDS it, and pass through it.
meow that hits home. I’d say I’m avoiding responsibility. The pain of improving myself and taking care of myself.
Thanks for sharing this. So, what "pain" of improving and taking care of yourself are you avoiding? Do you mean the discomfort of doing hard things, of taking responsibility, or something different? I admire you for your honesty, and I'd be curious to hear more of what you mean, and what that "pain" would look like if you took that path of responsibility, improving yourself and taking care of yourself instead of old paths.
yeah you got it. Also, the pain of denying myself that supreme pleasure and release of porn when I’m not having partnered sex right now. I’m back in school and I have a new job. So I’m being more successful and I’m on a positive trajectory, and porn is a way of self-sabotage because I’m lacking in self-confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. When I stay off PMO, I feel better and more myself. thank you for asking
The pain of living in the illusion of separation. A small step we can take? Self-observation throughout the day. What are we giving our attention to, and why?
Yes, definitely. Denying ourselves that pleasure is a pain, a discomfort that is very real. I had a counselor tell me one time that saying goodbye to porn is almost a grieving process. It's a friend that we have relied on for comfort and escape for a long time. And it's painful. But I definitely resonate with what you said. When we stay off PMO, and are willing to face the pain and discomfort, and travel THROUGH it, ultimately on the other side we feel better, in a very real and exciting way. Great awareness. Keep going!
Very insightful. And you are spot on. Self-observation, noticing what is going on "under the surface," and where our attention is going, is hugely powerful! Can you explain what you mean by the pain of living in "the illusion of separation"? What does that pain mean for you?
Pain of being lonely The pain of always being rejected and unwanted by people The pain of not having friends The pain of not being able to do things right (I suck at my job for example) The pain of feeling like a failure The pain of my life feeling like it has no meaning
Well, if we are ignorant of our true nature, our true identity, then we inevitably become “separated” from it (psychologically), which leads to endless craving and aversion. In other words, suffering. I still have a mountain to climb in this respect!
Hi, thanks for your kind words. I have been focusing on self improvement over the last few years. I agree with what you said about positive people and not forcing relationships, unfortunately for me it just doesn't happen. People just don't like me or being around me..even when I think people are my friends I learn later they are talking bad about me or dont want me around. This has been a lifelong thing for me. I've been involved in church groups, community service work, work committees and groups, work social events, volunteer work at my kid's school and its always the same. Maybe I'm just ugly or have a horrible personality or its just my destiny I guess? I've talked to others online in a similar situation - some also suffering from PMO and femdom addiction like me. It just seems like our place in life sometimes.
I see...have you ever had a period of time were you were not watching porn or your femdom fetish? I have found that when I am in a period we're I am consuming porn or think about certain fetishes, people do seem to like me less. It's almost as if they can realize somethings off, probably they can sense the lack of confidence.
yea I have. Although to be honest I probably haven’t had as many breaks or breaks that were very long as I should have. It’s been pretty much a life long addiction for me at this point…with various points where it’s better or worse.
Great thread. I can attest that it works, in fact what you are presenting has played a major role on my recovery. I think that perspective is key. There will never be a time on our lifes when we become to feel absolutely satisfied, and not experimenting any kind of fear, regret... no matter how much we achieve, instatisfaction is kinda our fuel. Not running away from it or from any bad feeling makes you realize that you were giving it more strenght just by rejecting it. And yes, when you "travel through it", after a while you start feeling kinda the opposite... Louie C.K talks about this here (3:30):
Well I hope you don't give up. I dont think it's ever too late to pursue the best version of yourself. I found charisma on command YouTube videos helped my social skills alot, maybe check those out. But I imagine the root cause is your lack of confidence due to your addiction and fetish. If I were you I would prioritize breaking this addiction. And learning to love yourself. I think as soon as you start putting in your best effort to be your best it'll be alot easier to love yourself. Taking the time to write who you want to be and what it will take to get there is a good start. But focus on things you can control directly.
This is such a good thread. Great post OP and great replies. We are so much more similar than we realize.
Great insight. When it comes to pain, and feelings in general, the saying is true: "What we resist, persists." Like you said, when you reject a difficult or uncomfortable feeling, it's actually fueling it. What counselors and emotion experts consistently say is that turning towards the feeling, acknowledging it, having an attitude of compassion for it (and for yourself) is how you actually "process" the feeling. When I feel lonely or depressed, for example, the knee-jerk reaction can be to mindlessly go to porn to medicate it and feel better temporarily. What if instead we paused in that moment, acknowledged that difficult feeling, turned towards it with compassion, said things like, "I'm noticing that I'm feeling down and lonely right now. That makes sense because..." "Oh, and I'm also noticing the strong urge to watch porn. That also makes sense because..." What if we started making this a habit? We would start bringing our feelings to the surface, to our conscious awareness. Then we can actually help process them and resolve them (and getting the help of a counselor is super helpful). And when this happens, while the feelings may still occur, the feelings are no longer the main driver of our behavior, and ultimately our lives. This is when exciting possibilities and horizons open up, and the future seems bright. Appreciate everyone's thoughts and vulnerability on this post and forum. We're in this together!
