why only i am facing this ? have no courage to die ): all my dreams have gone..

Try working on it. Work seriously improve your performance. If that work gets away, look for other opportunities. File in applications. Realize your responsibility. If that work goes, Imagine ur problem will go bigger and bigger. Many people live for their work. Be serious at work. This will put your thoughts away. Even it is hard for you. Don't worry much. You have to do something that make you feel better. Improve your relationship with your parents. Be more free to them.

 

Do you have a line with God?
Do you believe in Him? Are you raised with the bible or something?

 

Well a man need to examine all things including religions.
I did and my eyes were opened when I saw Jesus hung on the cross.
Exactly on that point, I met God, and thanks to Jesus I am free now.

 

You always can turn back to God.
You always can invite Him back into your life.
He still loves you. He is the only Force stronger than the pull you are in right now.
So He is able to carry you out of your darkness.
But He is love. And love never forces anything. SO you need to ask Him.
It's as easy as that.

 

krishna, You have to understand that the people you have asked all look at your story for help all of us see someone who is misguided and has his priorities wrong. The way you talk in your posts shows that you still value pleasure more than anything else. If you truly want to follow through with improvement, i really recommend you work on yourself first. There is always something to do to better yourself. For example, @Roady has so many resources and has dealt with the fetish himself, I also have a post on why we're attracted to that porn genre. Your story is a long one and the best I can do is to point you in the correct direction. The rest, you have to want it and follow through. You seem to have solidified that you are a victim. Which maybe you are. But if you were a victim, do you remain one for the rest of your life? Or do you put time into understanding what went wrong in your past.

Look into therapy, although it's not compulsory, I feel it will REALLY help in your situation. If therapy is not an option, read about people's experiences and read online for resources, There's so much knowledge available online, you would be ignorant to believe there's no hope for you. Don't fall into the trap of today's society allowing you to be anything you want to be. Deep down, you know it's wrong to have these fantasies. And me and the other people here are telling you it's possible to recover. The rest is up to you

 

What would go wrong? Have you not yet made the decision to free yourself from these false fantasies and get your life back? Are you scared of failing? Why? Because you failed in the past? Do you not believe in change? If so then you will remain this way for the rest of your life.

It is very easy to quit - but you're subconsciously making it difficult for yourself.

Read this

I found it very helpful.

 

Hey man. I read your story and here are some thoughts, that came into me while reading this:

This kind of kinks and fetishes have one single denominator - and it's self-conscious, or self-respect. And thats something you have to work on.

1) It seems to me, that you look for approval from others - from your classmates, parents, girls, other fapstronauts. One part of being a man is to find this in yourself. You're the one who knows yourslef the most and you have to accept yourself as you are and be proud of yourself. Noone else can ever do that.
2) That takes to part: set some standards for yourself - be the person you want to be, be the person you can respect
And second part - accept yourself even with your imperfections and flaws. We all do mistakes, nobody is perfect. But you have to accept it, love yourself and try to be better next time.

That is the most important part of your journey, so I repeat it again.

Accept who you are, and be the man, you want to be.

3) For me was super important to realize, why I become a sissy. I felt I am not good enough, I was seeking for some appreciation from others. And unfortunately there is an easy way how to get that. Pretend you're a girl. Internet is full of guys who throw themselves to a girls... But you dont become a girl just through pretending to be one. Lot of guys might find you attractive if you pretend you're a girl, but they would lost their interest if they find out who you really are: a liar! It might be hard to be a man. But in order to be happy and fulfilled you have no other option than BE WHO YOU ARE.
4) One part of finding your true self is get rid of all lust induced stuff. No porn, no crossdressing, no fapping, no fantasizing about sexual stuff. Just focus on your life - your job, your school, excersize, healthy sleep, healthy food - that should be your main focus. And its the best way to become a true yourself and also t become better version of yourself.
5) Don't worry about being gay. You re probably not one and even if you are. There's no shame in it. You can love another man and still be a good person. Gay =/= sissy. Man =/= straight. Imagine I dont know Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's a true successful and inspirational man. Would he be less man if he live with another guy? Of course not. (he probably is not gay, i just use it as an example) So don't worry about your sexual orientation - worry about being good person.
6) What good person does? Glad you asked - Good person face his own problems. Do stuff that are right, even they might be dificult. Cares about others, but also about himself. It's easy to be passive sissy - and let others use you and appreciate you for something thats not truly you. But its the exact opposite of being good person.

And one last thought. You may fail many times. I did. But it's not a real failure unless you give up. And you NEVER may give up. So try to do one good thing every day. If you fail? Nevermind, rise up and try again. That's the only path that will lead you to happy life. THE ONLY ONE.

PS: And dont worry about your failed relationships. Its always hard I know it. But there are literary bilions of girls out there. Be the right person and you surely find the right person for you. It might take time, you may face failure, but sooner or later you'll find someone who make you happy.

So stop whining and man up. Do the next right thing.

Be strong brother, best luck.

 

Hahaha, Sorry I have to laugh. I had dozens failed relationships before I find the right one. Don't worry, thats completely normal.

 

- The best option? Be completely honest
- The so so option? Just avoid the topic and dont mention it at all.
- The worst option? Bring up the topic but dont be honest and lie about some stuff...

You need to make a decision and stick to it:
Do you like a girl? OKay tell her. Don't you feel like it? Fine, leave her alone and move on. But don't stalk her.
Do you feel like you want to confess? Alright, do it, but don't pretend it's someone elses story.

Just own your life. Do whatever you want, but be honest with yourself, stop avoiding issues and face them as they come.

She didn't leave you, because you're gay, or not man enough. She left, because she couldn't believe you.

Everybody wants some kind of reliability. Your partner want to know what she can expect from you. She want to be sure that if you promise something, you'll keep the promise. That's all this is about. Nobody is perfect. Nobody fits to everybody. But if you become true to yourself - no matter if you're straight or gay, masculine or feminine, you'll be attractive to someone if you'll be reliable and trustworthy.

 

Do you use any meds?

 

It's very similar to me. I think that "porn" in this case doesn't necessarily means "pornographic video". Its basically everything, that's easily accessible and highly arousing. It might be video, chat forum, sex toy, clothing, masturbation method... Everything we use to stimulate ourself without need to find a real partner. And it all works the same way as porn. The point of is to avoid all this.
Nothing of this is natural and nothing of this means you are "really" gay or whatever. It's just a coping mechanism you made for yourself in order to escape real life and its struggles. It's easier and more arousing to sext with someone online and pretend you are female than it is to date a real girl. That's the reason you inclinate to do it. Because its easier than have a real relationship. Not because you ARE born as gay. You just chose the easy way. But easy way leads to hell.