Should I still label myself as an incel, even when I don't agree with their ideology?

Definitely not. Once you put a label on yourself, people believe that you share the same beliefs as that label.

 

You are what they used to call “young man who does not yet have his life together.” Or, “young man” for short. That leaves open the possibility, nay, the expectation, that you will get your life together, and some pleasant lass will deem you suitable to mate with. As far as I can tell, self-described incels just sit around complaining about how they’ll never get laid & it’s not fair.

It’s true, life isn’t fair. Some people are dealt a poor hand. Some people roll a Yahtzee of Nat 1s on their character sheet. But it could have been worse. You could have been born a Spartan helot, or into Soviet Russia. Instead you are here and now. And if Steve Buscemi can get a wife, maybe you can too.

 

No, Incel is a made up term to demonise men. These people don't exist in the real world

 

Incel means just that 'involuntary celibate'.

That's the beginning and the end of the definition.

That some people want to assign devil-like or heavenly-like features to incels that's 100% on them.

It's like saying "I technically am 'woman' against my will, yet I refuse to believe the ideology of the women". Doesn't make any sense.

You simply internalized their opinion about incel, but that doesn't mean that that's what an incel is at its core. You are proof of that.

All people who are 'involuntary celibate' are incels. That some are nice people who had bad luck in life and others are bitter hateful men screaming "death to women" is completely another thing and has nothing to do with a set in stone 'incel ideology'.

 

True, but if you run around claiming the title, advertising the title, you are inviting others to apply their suppositions about people in that group, and about you for openly identifying with that group. In the strictest of technical terms I am a feminist, because I very much support gender equality. I won't ever tell people I am a feminist, and I'm careful around people who self identify as feminist, because of what the brand means to me and what I think the brand means to them.

Running around screaming that you're a virgin but not happy about it is... a weird choice. In 99.9% of the situations out there, nobody needs to know your sexual status. Being an incel can be a problem, but it's your problem. Maybe if someone asked why you are sad, you would say it. Maybe if they are asking for advice on how to pick up women, you could decline by saying you are an incel. Opening a conversation with "Hi, I'm Meshuga and I'm an incel" is inappropriate. The only reason they do that in Alcoholics Anonymous is because they are providing relative context, and practicing owning their responsibility.

 

Agree, you should definetly not go out there saying "I'm an incel", that's very inappropiate. And at the same time identifying yourself as an incel is the best way to ensure you stay an incel.

 

You should never label yourself with anything that's primarily used as a derogatory term to insult someone's character.

 

Some people don't even care to identify as an addict. That doesn't have to mean they are in denial about having a serious problem, it's just not identifying ones self that way.

 

Incel is just yet another shaming tactic word for normies. They use it whenever you irtitate them because you wont fall in line with their ideologies, narrative, or status quo.

 

What does "Incel" mean anyway? Does me abstaining from sex until I find a woman who cares deeply about me yet not finding one yet make me an Incel?

 

You don't have to label yourself as anything nor do you have to accept others labeling you. Do and think what you think is right. You seem a nice fellow who doesn't hate or resent women, so do yourself a favour and don't go down that "incel" rabbit hole. Be the best man you can be and enjoy life for yourself and you might attract a nice woman you want to spend time with into your life.

Good luck!

 

No. It means you’re a human being with standards.

 

Agree with @Auggie . That definition describes voluntary behavior.

 

@Meshuga and @Auggie.

I often like to think that I do this voluntarily, yet at the same time I often think that I sorta share the "Incel" Archetype. Because I am shy exclusively around women and avoid them. Then I always wonder why women don't seem interested. But then again, I do this to myself.

 

So you choose not to sleep around, but there's not exactly anyone offering. That's fine. For guys, that's baseline. Men are generally expected to approach women. Men also tend to overestimate female interest in them, so unless you're asking and getting rejected a lot, you're probably not having S anyway.

If you're shy around women, realize first that S is actually off the table, as a default. I know P culture and pop culture makes it seem like everyone is ripping off clothes at the drop of a hat, but irl, S is rare. S requires trust, which requires a relationship, as it should be. Therefore, understand that the stakes, when being around women, are low. There is no chance they will reject you for anything more than a simple conversation, because that's all you're going to ask for. Even if she does reject you for that, there are a half dozen possible reasons that have nothing to do with you and your autistic awkwardness. Maybe she's having a bad day, maybe she's waiting for someone, maybe she's not in the mood, etc. If you're not thinking creepy thoughts, the odds you're throwing off creepy vibes reduce, and the more open she is to a conversation. If a conversation goes well, that's fine and that's all it has to be. If you want to have another conversation, you can ask for contact information but that's another risk, and again, maybe she'll reject you for reasons that don't have to do with you. Maybe she has a rule, maybe she didn't feel a connection like you did, it's fine.
The key to getting over awkwardness, though, is exposure therapy. Get as close to women, or talking with women, as you can without freaking out. As nothing bad happens and you get more comfortable with it, advance it a little and just say hi. When you get comfortable with that, you can try talking more.
Just be sure that you talk to all kinds of people like this. You don't want to place girls in a special category in your mind of "potential mate" rather than "real live person." That's where a lot of the anxiety comes from. When you understand that moderately attractive women are just people, same as old people or young people or parent people, married people, etc., it becomes easier to talk to them.

 

Awesome post. I grew up with my dad saying about girls, "she'd be a good wife for you", so I had to and still have to relearn how I think about girls. I come from a community where if you talk to a girl you don't normally talk to, people think you are going after them.