Heading for disaster

I'm over 50. Been doing PMO since 18 off and on. More recently on. Installed blocker but still find other stuff online. Managed to go 10 days wo PMO and then another 4 & then 1 day. I keep a journal and communicate with my addict self. This evening I wrote in my journal that he wins. But also told him that if he keeps this going, will lead us to disaster.... Lonely lonely lonely. The only thing left is to go for therapy which I've been trying to avoid. I really don't want to talk about this to a therapist.

 

What's a retrospection journal?

I've created so many journals. I try communicating with my inner-child, addict-self, core-self.

 

Thank you for the support.

I'm starting this journey again. The addict mind will think of all ways around fences. I had no idea also that youtube is contributing to porn in their own way. I won't say how but they are. I blocked everything now. I'm trying to do 5 min mindful meditation a day. I found this https://www.youtube.com/@FightTheNewDrug and am horrified by what I and we consumed. Crazy!! But yet here we all are trying to overcome this very addictive drug within us.

 

I have the eventual constant feeling in my brain that keeps bothering me til I give in. I spent hours and hours for many years PMO. Truth be told, my P addiction is actually the least of it at this point. I'm addicted to other sites and forums like femdom and findom. Seems it's the only way I can get attention. I know, it's the wrong attention. But at least it's attention.
I'm hoping with this journey of not looking at this shit anymore that my brain will slowly come off the desire for it. Kind of like not eating sugar, eventually even the smallest quantities will taste very sweet.
But so far I've been very weak with fighting. This time though I blocked everything that I can. I know blocking is not the way to go but I need it bc otherwise it's not possible for me.

 

I probably should do the same.