I'm new here and this is my first post. Got a not-so-brief summary of my story and would love to have some advice at the end. I started fap at around 5 yo after being touched by a girl of the same age next door. No cum but the orgasm pleasure was the same. The habit lasted through my whole life. Maybe around 7-8th year of school, I read a couple of erotic books that I found in my older brother's bedroom. A couple of years later, the 1st year of high school, I accidentally had one peek of a porn photo that was passed by the boys in class. I think it was a girl giving head to a guy, both full naked. I was too shy to look at it but that one single peek almost made my head explode - wow those days that would never return. Around the same year, I firstly saw vagina pics online and masturbated to it. Those are my first encounters of porn. Fast forward to uni days, I had more access to porn videos, both straight and gay. I had fantasies. But no sex, other than with my hands, due to strong morality, sexual orientation confusion, demisexual tendency and lack of confidence. It's about the same period when I realised that I didn't quite get erections without physical touch. Because of this, in almost all of my relationships and rare hookups, sex was either unsuccessful, which brought a lot of shame and anxiety, or ended up me being bottom even though I'd like to top more mentally and physically. I did try nofap a few times without knowing it's a thing, sometimes for 2-3 months and once more than half a year. Mostly because I felt masturbation wasn't a great thing to do all the time but it didn't help with my sexual performance. 8 years ago, I met this person. The sex was amazing for the 1st time of my life. I was still bottom-ing, twice a week. I didn't think of getting and keeping hard and was still rock hard most of the time during the intercourse. I didn't feel the slightest need to use porn or fap. It felt great. I still wanted to top but it was okay. My partner didn't want to bottom and I could live with it. I wish this were the end of the story. A few months later, our sex vanished. He said he had depression and issues and needed time. One year later, I found out he was cheating on me since then. I forgave him and we moved on. Still no sex for the next 7 years until I found out recently he cheated on me again in the last year. During the 7-8 years, I masturbated a lot, especially the last year, almost once a day to porn. Like the cases here, sometimes I only did it to kill time, or feel less lonely, or help me to sleep. 2 months ago, before I found out he was cheating again, I read about NoFap seriously for the 1st time (not thoroughly though) and quit porn. I was super horny in the first few days but didn't feel the urge to relapse. Maybe also because I'm a very disciplined person? However, I masturbated twice every two weeks coz I didn't feel the need to quit it. Both times I forced myself to fantasise a real person, not some porn scenes. There were maybe a couple of flashbacks of porn scenes but fine otherwise - challenging but fine - though my penis was only half-erected the whole time. There were 2-3 days of flatlining phase when I didn't feel any sex drive but soon I was horny again and had sex dreams with morning woods. After the two times of fap, I read more in this forum and quit masturbation too. Since I'm still breaking up with my ex, I haven't had sex either. It's a proper PMO in the last, I can't really remember, 6 weeks? I even cut almost all the apps, like YT, Insta etc. where random erotic contents may pop up. I get aroused mentally regularly. I feel the tickling and twinge when I see someone's slight bare skin or beautiful eye lashes or bulge, of friends and strangers, in my horny days. But like I've always been for as long as I could remember, those electrified torrents, through my body down to the crotch, never make me hard. There was one time a month ago I couldn't resist and kissed a friend and got 30 percent erection while I was really really horny. Here come the questions: Is this PIED? Am I still in reboot? Am I categorised as using porn at a young age and need more time, or opposite? I might do some medical tests later but I think I'm physically fine. Is everything just in my head? Are some people born like this? If I don't get better, how can I make peace with myself? How do I forget about performance and enjoy the moments in sex? How am I going to experiment and explore my sex needs in today's LGBT community, being demisexual and inexperienced? Is there anything else I could do to improve? I'm already eating healthily, sleeping well and physically active, working out daily and competing in sports and having an athletic physique with abs.
First, welcome to the site. 1a- Likely PIED, that's my guess, though I'm not able to diagnose anything. 1b- Likely, you're still in reboot. 1c- Your body got very used to only pleasuring itself, used to sexual stimulation, at a very young age. I imagine your body is very used to Os that don't involve other people. Regardless of how you'd be categorized for porn use regarding your age, your brain needs time to reset. I imagine more time than the "hard mode 90 days". I imagine giving it several months, at least, without sexual contact or O would probably reset things. (getting hugs and cuddles during the whole process would be good, though that might make you "feel" horny. Know yourself and your own touch needs--touch doesn't mean sex or O). 2- Assuming everything is physically fine, M for so many years trained your brain only how to M-- It's not all just psychological, literally the connections in your brain aren't quite matching what you want to do. Allowing your brain to "rest" will bring that back. 3a- In this, it sounds like you're more a product of your experiences. You were made a certain way, and then stuff happened (with that girl, and the 30 years of M and O alone) that impacted you, changing you from what you were designed for. 3b- You can get better. 3c- Sex is a skill. I don't have any specific advice for this question, but anyone who's worth having sex with is willing to help you get better and learn how to enjoy yourself and give pleasure to them. Or at least they'd be willing to try because they'd like you enough. 4- I've been in the LGBTQ community for 10+ years. I appreciate your difficulty and your situation, though I don't precisely share it. I don't have an easy answer for you, but I do have some thoughts. First, (you really may not like this) you probably do need to fully let your body power down sexually speaking, like it's literally been running and active way before it was supposed to be, and sounds like it's never stopped. Whatever the wiring was supposed to be had to deal with that behavior. Sounds like you need a full reboot, before powering back up again. Do you have friends, or people, you can be physically affectionate with without being sexual? Have you ever, ever had a long period of time, talking like 3-6 months (I say that long because you've been doing it so long) that you haven't masturbated and O? Have you ever been to therapy regarding that happening with the girl next door? (I realize that's probably not what you want to hear, but you asked. I am not trained, but I do have several long time friends who've both studied psychology and delt with comparable issues. I say this to say: To my knowledge, people who have sexual contact in childhood (abuse, or something similar to your encounter) tend to react in 1 of 2 ways. Either they get hypersexual, or very sex averse. I'm not saying that's true with you, I don't know you or your situation in any detail. However, you posted because it sounds like things are not working the way you want them to. Beyond the physical stuff in the brain that masturbating so young and porn, can do to the physical wiring of the brain, there may also be some psychological feelings, memories, other stuff, that maybe you haven't explored? From what you've described of your background, from the very little glimpse you've shared, it sounds like there's some stuff that needs to be worked out. Also, please consider that the pressure the LGBT community (I don't know what your exact connections are like, but I've been arounds some) places on sex, and sexual performance, and sexual preferences really may not be helpful to you as you're trying to recover, heal, and explore yourself. 5- Try not masturbating, or watching porn, even if you're horny, or hard, for 6 months; if you can do that, try for a year. I am not saying to not date people, I'm not saying to not be social and, please do connect with people. I say this to give your brain time, without the hyper-drug that porn is. -- Maybe this'll make sense. OK, so you know how a lot of people today are fat today partially because they eat so much fast food, and fast food is super delicious, but terrible for you? Porn is sexual "fast food", of the worst, super fatty variety, and it sounds like you've had a very steady diet of that for a very long time. 6- the book, "your brain on porn" might be informative and helpful, partially because it goes over the makeup and the chemicals that go on in the brain when M and O, especially since you've been doing that from a young age. 7- Don't confuse horniness for "touch starvation". They're very similar, but not the same. Your body associates them as the same, but, seriously, getting hugs and cuddles, getting "affectionate touch" (positive touch that is not sexual, ) that is not sexual is really important. I was a massage therapist for 7 years. I saw this, and experienced it myself, especially in men. I have some questions, you don't need to answer me, but having an answer for yourself is a good idea: -Seriously, are you creative, do you make anything or express yourself in a creative way? I ask this as something, partially, to replace the space in your head porn, and masturbating used to take up in your brain. -Do you have friends outside the LGBT community, or at least friends that you connect to on the basis of something else, like a shared hobby or interest with no idea what they sexual identify is; friends or social connections where sex, and bedroom activity, isn't such a massive social factor in basing the community? -Do you know who you are outside of your sexual identity? -How well do you connect with people outside of using your body, or how you look? I apologize if any of this sounds arrogant or pushy. I apologize if I've said anything that caused you hurt, or anger, or pain. That was not my intention. I've been in a similar situation in that community, where I didn't feel comfortable being sexually active, so I struggled with how to explore my sexuality, experiment, and my sex needs, and still be a part of the LGBT community. You were made with a purpose in mind. Whatever happened after you were conceived wasn't necessarily part of the plan God had for your life, but it still happened. You, DontThankMe, were created in the image of God. Who you are may not be who you were made to be, especially since things aren't working the way they are supposed to. Seek the human you were created to be. Believe me, I understand how daunting that is.
