Hi Guys, I am Patrick, 25 from Germany (so please excuse me for spelling and grammar mistakes...) and today is the first day of my reboot. Thats me: I am addicted to porn, cybersex and masturbation since I can remeber to be sexual active (maybe at the age of 12). I really don't know what the initial trigger was, because most of the stuff I read from others doesn't really fit me. At the first glance I was one of the "cool kids" at school, had some good friends (but not so deep relationships and never talked about my problems and feelings). I was and still am very sporty and athletic and had real life sex. But I am now discovering that I didn't really feel good all the time and tried to flew from real life and feelings by putting myself in a online word full of sex. Also my partens were kind of emotional unavailable, but I think this is something for a therapy. Nevertheless I am going on to be curios what are the reasons that I started and I am going to tell you more when I discover myself a little better. To my problem and situation: I recently discover how bad my problem was when talking to my longterm (3 years plus) girlfirend. First of all, I realized how much more she experienced in her life (like friendships, travel, good sex,...) than me chasing porn, crazy fantasies and quick and dirty sex and wasting ours with it each day. The second point is before I met her I really was in cyper sex stuff like sexting, pictures etc. with girls from the internet and chasing quick and dirty sex. Therefore I really engaged with girls I didn't really liked nor find attractive and used them for sex. Not only that I am ashamed of what I did and trying but struggeling to take the responibility for that, talking about this shit I did really hurt her feelings. At htis point I don't know how to make all this up, because on top of doing all that I first lied to her to cover my past. To add a last point, at the start of our realtionship I really pushed her to do all the crazy bdsm stuff I made up in my mind and saw in porn until she had me to stop. I also pushed her into a lot of cybersex. Thanks to her I am recently free from the bdsm stuff and the cybersex stuff, but I am searching your support to also become free from porn and masturbating. And stay clean and healthy with my general sexlife with her. I want to become a good and loving partner, have a deep connection and good and intimate sex without fantasies, just me and her. Therefore my goal is to reach 90 days without porn, masturbating and solo-orgasm. Just sex with her is going to be okay. At the end I will quit porn for ever and etablish a healty relationship with masturbating as part of the relationship (interacting with her or thinking about her, no crazy fantasies). I want to use all those time and energy I wasted before to become more productive, more crative and motivated to try new hobbies and etablish good habits like meditaion and reading. I also want to become more emotinal available in my realtionship and be attentive, romatic and caring boyfriend. And I really need your help to get things in order with her and help her to process all the horrible stuff I did, so that she can see me as a good and honest partner again (not as a creep). I would really love if you guys could hold me responsible to stay on the right path while rebooting and getting things together. I am also looking forward to read your tips, tricks and support. In exchange I am trying to give you more or less regularly updates on my journey (I hope to find time at least once a week better once a day) . Thank you all so much for just being part of this great community and helping eachother! I love to hear from all of you! Best regards, Patrick
Congratulations Patrick. You know your reasons why you want to quit porn, want to replace it with good habits instead and become a better person in the process. This self awareness puts you on the right path. To make sure you are on the right path, take it one day at a time. Just remember that porn is a form of entertainment, not a depiction of real life sexuality. Many women who love sex and great lovers don't do the things women do on camera. And porn actresses will do those things on camera because the job requires it, but would not do those things off camera and in real life. In fact, many former porn actresses were scarred by the past experience they had in the business. Before really quitting PMO, I suggest you quit porn first. If you do feel like masturbating and having an orgasm, as long as it is your girlfriend or attractive women you know in real life, not because of porn or naked women online. Also staying away from social media as much as possible will help as well. Facebook, Instagram, social streaming are easy ways to relapse back in porn. Good decision Paddy. This is why I suggest you make it a daily habit of reading at least 10 minutes a day or meditating 20 minutes. Journaling in a notebook is also a good idea, it is somewhat a form a meditation. Whenever you have the urge to have a bad habit, replace it with a good habit. Keep us posted. If you do relapse, don't beat yourself up or be ashamed. No one will judge you here. Just be accountable, take time to understand what triggered the relapse, and start from the beginning without relapsing for the same reasons. When we fall, we get back up again . Best wishes and success to you my friend. Keep up the good work
Hi Woodcutter, Thank you really much for your nice words! You really made my day! Some updates on my journey, as I promised: First of all after some sex with my girlfriend in the first days of my challenge we went a little to crazy on that so we decided it might be better to first do not have any sex and recently I am on day 5 of real PMO. I was into meditation and training even before becoming really aware of my problem, but it is really helping me if times get tougher. Also the journaling combined with lots of educational stuff (like studies, blog posts, TED talks, ...) helps me to understand me and the problem better. This was some realisation I had today too while watching a TED talk and journaling. Before all that I thought having rough dominant sex and humiliating women while fucking them was just "my style" and what "I like". I was picturing my self as a kind of pronstar because I thought this is what a good lover looks like. Today I realized thats absolutely not what I want at all. The perfect sex for me is more like being present, very sexy/erotic and sensual. Because hell I need no fantasies because my girl is looking like a fucking model (YES I am very much into her!!!) and she also loves dressing up and feeling sexy. And I want more sensual and passionated sex instead of dominating her. So yeah I really realized what porn did to me and I am trying now to change those habits. This brings me to another point I am currently struggeling with because (as I told you) she loves to dress up and she send me some really hot pictures yesterday. I managed to stay strong in case of PMO but I really lost my temper and pushed her to do more and more pictures and got lost in some fantasies. This is were my old "porn-polluted" habits are entering the game. At first she liked that but in the end she felt slutty and used beause I didnt really enjoyed the pictures but just pushed her to be my person (like I did before with girls online; like porn told me to be). I am really ashamed on this circumstances and we now have some heavy argument on that because she hates my behaviour (me too!) and she dont want to take any pictures anymore even that she really like doing it. So I am really struggeling to get a good conversation going on that topic but I am working on it (Some help is really welcomed!) In addition to that topic stressing me also my fucking bike got stolen today and I have so much to do in my masters and at work. So the stress level is really through the roof and I was very tempted to relieve it with some porn, but I was strong enough to withstand and instead I am writing this blog post and really feeling better with every word. So streak is still going Day 5/100 PMO! I'll keep you updated! Thanks for listening/reading and your comments! Stay strong guys I am sure it is worth it! Best regards Patrick
Quick update... I relapsed on day 6 after having some personal stress and struggling. The main reason than was that really bad argument I had with my girlfriend which got me off guard and I did it. I told her afterwards and she was not amused but she also created some "fun box" where I can choose some distraction when the urges become to hard. So yeah even when she is struggling with all the shit I did before and during our relationship she cares for me and I try my best to pay her back at some point. So yeah currently I am on day 5/100 again and feeling quite okay. No urges and all the time I have goes into talking to my girlfriend to make her better understand and relieve some pain I caused. Some things are hard to say because I am so ashamed what porn did to me and what I did because of porn. In this moments is hard not to lie but I decided to be honest through the whole journey and forever on. So yeah. During that process not only porn is to blame for what kind of an a**hole I was the most time of my life. It is a hard realisation to see that it was very hard for others to like me because I was very offensive against women and very arrogant to other men. Even when there was no reason because the other men and women just wanted to be friendly bit I always tried to be in the center of every conversation, because I was so unsure and insecure about my self. So this journey is now not only about becoming porn free but also about becoming a better person at all.
