I already posted on reddit but only one person replied me. I will paste the post, hoping someone will reply this time. Thanks to the ones who will reply! Hello guys, I'm a 22 y/o (almost 23) italian guy with a lots of problems with fapping, temptations and such things. Let's start saying that I'm engaged (almost 5 years) with another italian girl who is asexual (we never had sex: we tried but it was unsuccessful), and, unluckily for us, I have a high libido and a weak will. I lied to her for almost 4 years, keeping away from her that I fapped to many things (it was an habit from before we were engaged). Because I didn't want to lie to her anymore, I took courage and revealed to her my secrets. After a horrible period, we were still together and I started NoFap, successful for around 2 mounths if I remember correctly. But... there were many things that tempted me to go back to fapping. Innuendos everywhere, university collegues that talks about sex, even films and telefilms where the characters enjoy life... and because I have obsessive thoughs, I started to pressure her and, eventually, she gave me permission to access sites like rule 34, youjizz and company. The problem is... I don't feel much fapping to those things. Recently I undestanded that I enjoy "new things" much more than the usual crap on rule 34 or the usual videos. I have to add another information before going on: I have the passion of writing for around 6 years (back to when I was 15/16), even if I only wrote one giant fanfiction, and two years ago my girlfriend started to write her own story set in the same universe. You understand where I'm going? I have a strong connection to my characters and I'm obsessive about them, wanting to write the best I can in term of characterisation and story. It's embarassing to admit but fapping to these characters was an habit... and because I don't really enjoy the same stuff over and over again there were times when I pressured her again and recently she allowed me to do such thing with the promise to n ot exagerate. I'm not interested in human sex, being kind of a sociopath I guess, and I enjoy fapping to what I told you about for short periods (when it's the "new thing" or "forbidden thing"). I enjoy, but I suffer at the same time. I can't help but desire these things when I'm sad and when obsessives thoughs have the upper hand. I'm a very lonely person: I lost all my friends due to my lies to my girlfriend and all I have is her, a friend who is, most of the times, absent/not really close to me and my absent family (a psychotic obsessive mother and a lazy absent father). I don't know what I want. There are times of crisis with my girlfriend and times where I'm really happy. I want and don't want to get rid of fapping, and I thought to come here since I see that there are cool people. I want support and I don't want to bother my girlfriend anymore, she has suffered enough because of me. Luckily this week I'll start screenplay (sceneggiatura in italian) lessons so I hope to meet new people and clean my head and my fears. I DON'T WANT TO BREAK with my gf since I love her and she's the happiness of my life excluding my sexual life.
it sounds like you're having a really hard time. don't beat yourself up too much, we all are. to me it sounds like you could really use some therapy. i think it would help you alot. it's a very difficult situation you are in and i wish you all the best
Thank you very much teakwood. I would like to do one but there's my mother, she's pretty much an obstacle and I can't do anything indipendently (I must always say where I go) apart from the Internet, that's why I wrote here! Thanks again for your support.
it sounds like you need some distance from your family in order to live a healthy life, atleast for some time. sometimes our families blockages can stop our own happiness. best of luck to you.
