New here...

Just signed up today. Have read so many good things. I wish I would have known about this site several months ago.


This is kind of long. Sorry in advance.

I have been very sexual since an early age, so I believed most of the things I experienced were normal. I was a very curious young man after all.

Through my teenage years I only uaed porn a handful of times. I married at the height of the aol era and delved right into internet porn during my wifes pregnancy. That pretty well set the presidence for our ten year marriage.

Any time I felt unwanted or rejected I resorted to porn. Blamed her and called her a frigid so and so. And at least I wasn't going and sleeping around.

What I was failing to realize was that I destroying the relationship by ignoring and blaming her for not understanding.

After we seperated I suffered deep depression and hid in the bedroom of my roommate's house with a computer, an Xbox and a ton of alcohol.

Over the next 2 years I had a handful of sexual partners but I couldn't keep an erection if I could get one at all. I think I had orgasm with another person maybe 3 times over those two years and one of those was manual not intercourse.

Then I gave up sex entirely for one year and three months. The longest I had ever gone without sex since I lost my virginity at 13. Just another huge blow to my self esteem. I was so confused. I could get an erection alone and masturbate but couldn't with another person. I desperately wanted to connect with another person.

During that last year I sold the xbox and starting playing WOW cards at the local geek shop. I still had games but with real live people.

I met an amazing woman 2 years ago that said she absolutely did not want other peoples sexuality to be a part of any serious relationship she was in. I agreed due to all of the negative effects isolating with porn I have had in my past relationships. It was purely a cold turkey venture and I thought all would go well because I finally had an phenomenal sex life.

That lasted about six months and I was white knuckling the whole way. The more sex I had the harder it was. I was just charged to the max and had no clue what to do with all this new found sexual energy. I wanted it non-stop.

I finally cracked, standing in the garage watching videos on my phone. Absolutely confused. Full of self loathing knowing it wasn't what I truly wanted and definitely confirmed it standing there staring at my stupid phone.

She found it on my phone the next day and all hell broke loose. Punched me in the face and and started in on month long tirade. I remember all the insults. But she hurt and wanted to hurt me. I ran to my friends that would sympathize and say no that's okay man, screw her and all that.

I am crazy about her though. I stayed for another 6 months but couldn't all the fighting about it. The insults hurt so bad. Even if some or a majority are true. Then I retaliate to say hey "I hurt too"

She got a hold of me after two months of being apart. We started seeing each other again becauae we apparently cannot resist each other.

I agreed to go without internet and not use the computer and so on. I became resentful of her and her daughter having a phone, tablet and computer while I had nothing.

Resentful of the roommate I could hear in the basement jerking off to porn while I lay next to my girfriend who didn't want to have sex for days at a time. All while I'm doing good. No porn and no masturbating alone.

I did good til 11 months in I said screw this I deseve entertainment and started with news and some goofy youtube videos on my work phone. Then it was the chive and she found that on my history. All hell broke loose again.

We got a phone with a spy program and I felt good about it. I wasn't hiding anything, i didn't have to worry about handing my phone to a buddy and him seeing some super crazy porn stuff. And then I clicked on an ad for a vapor thing that had drawing of a topless chick. I don't even know why. My honest thoughts were "what guy is walking around with this shit?"

Now were apart. Still sleeping with each other. She's pissed and hurt.

The first couple of days apart I definitely wanted to say screw it and just start whacking away to whatever but the fear of resorting back to those 3 years after divorce kept me from giving in.

I did get on casual encounters obsessing about whether or not she was on there and trying to convince myself I should hook up with someone on there but knew there was no way I could so quit that.

I'm not masturbating or checking out porn. Slept with her today though.

I'm not sure whats going to happen with the relationship. Just don't want to go back to hiding in a bedroom jerking off to a tablet and disconnecting from reality.