I Give Up

I give up on trying to clear the fog in my mind.
I give up on hoping for some sudden divine intervention to alter my life's course towards any of my 'desires'.

Actually, desire can rid itself. I should rid of it.
I have what I have.
I have my potential.
Everything that I am able to acquire is within the confines of my potential. And my potential is presumably predetermined for me in this life, perhaps it is what we call destiny. I should not desire that which is outside of my reach. That is the equivalent of calling for more suffering. More than my soul needs.

I don't count on divine intervention anymore. Hoping for it, waiting for it, even worse; making ready for it. That has brought me nothing but slow, cruciating pain.

Yes, I have been readying for such an intervention. Cleared my thoughts, focused on the good. Cleaned my environment, and cleared my sins. Then, when all is cleared and ready, I feel like I am in a void. The void, the created emptiness, ready to be filled by divinity, with fruits blessed from the divine.
Nothing comes.

I give up. It is what it is.
As Lao Tzu himself (presumably) says in Tao Te Ching: We should remove our desires. Want nothing, expect nothing, and not do. Stop doing. Have but not possess. Let come, and let go.
If I had done that, maybe I would have the same things, but without the pain through desiring more.

I give up. Noone will save me. God, Tao, Universe, you name it; it has already blessed me with such a life that I even can sit here and rant about nothing but a luxury problem of desiring more treasures for my rich life. Still, I am not fulfilled. And if the Infinite, God, Universe, whatever, does not directly intervene and give me more, then I understand. In many ways, it's unfair that I have as much as I do.

I have what I have. I Am That I AM. I will do by not doing. I do by not doing.
I give up on waiting. I give up on making ready for that which never comes.
I understand that it will not come.
It should not come.
I have what I have. And that which is ment for me, is ment for me.
And suffering is my solidity. It is the balance.
Maybe that is why I am here.

If you read all of that, I appreciate you.
It is for what ever is out there.

 

I give up on undertaking personas.
I give up on living these characters.

Why is my name 'LoomingTiger'?
Because that is how I felt of myself; my self, which could be metaphorized as a looming tiger, waiting to lunge out for its ultimate prize. Lunging, launching, at the right time. I thought that my spirit, by rejuvenating and vitalizing through NoFap and other improvements practices, would lunge out - just like the looming tiger - and claim its precious desire. Yes, I felt that I had such a strong, majestic, powerful spirit. The lonely looming tiger. Hunts alone, and is not hunted. Can not be.

I am no looming tiger. I wish I had named my profile "Affective Butterfly".
Yes, that is absolutely weird.
How can one resemble an affective butterfly and a looming tiger? How can black resemble white? Only if black is not black, and white is not white, will there be some resemblance.
I am neither a butterfly nor a tiger.
I just am. A human being. A soul. The spirit.
I want to lunge out and claim my prize.
I want to help people, lighten up their day, make it colorful.

I take many shapes and forms.
I give up on taking many shapes and forms.
I am that I am.
As Bruce Lee said, be formless. Shapeless, like water.
Heavily influenced by Taoism, I see.
That is the way.

I give up on trying.

 

How is it that I feel lonely when I'm social?
Everybody in any community I engage in, knows me.
Popular. Popularity. That which many are aware of. That which many think of.
They all know me.
Speak of me.
Are attentive to me.

But I am lonely.
I engage with many.
I connect with few.
I share with none.
None to share with.

I travel alone.
I feel alone during my travels.

I run all errands alone.
I eat alone.
I may drink with others. The more I drink on a particular occasion, the darker my home becomes the very moment I step into it, alone.
Aloneliness.

I give up.
I give up on trying.
Trying to alter it.
There it is. The revelation. All of the things I have said to you, are events that are happening to me. Predestined for me.
Why should I react to it.

Done with it all.
Destined to be alone. A Lone Soul.
Misunderstood. Underappreciated.
The more good I do unto others, the more repulsive they become.
The more I help one, the more likely they are to hurt me willingly.
The only reason to keep helping, and to be good, is to have faith in something higher than what is most apparent to us. Something higher than the physical.
That Higher which has not answered one of my prayers since the last 10 years.

I have suffered so much.
I have truly Repented.
Done my best to pay my dues.
I am not perfect.
But I am doing more than many.
Many whom enjoy divinely placed fruits
they enjoy it in front of me.
they enjoy it to me.

It is all a joke. A circus with me, the fool, in the center.
"I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing ...]
If I was God, or any other divinity that can observe me, I would laugh.
For it does not really matter.
I must have been put here for a reason.
We all have.

Some souls have much in this world.
They are given many fruits.
Fructous fruits.
I do not envy them; I am happy for them.
I am sad for what ever I did, now or in the past - the past, past of this life
That I am suffering for now
I am sorry

Such an oddity, this life.
Always so close,
But never all the way.
I am sorry.

 

What did I do God.
Where did I do wrong that I do not now know of
that I have not repented for.

Show me, please.
I WANT to do good.
I am truly sorry for everything.
Forgive me, God.
I'm sorry ..

 

For truly we have this one life, in this reality.
In this body.
This one unique composition of life.

I will only live once. And I will live with that which has been placed before me. I simply will not get that which I desire, through prayer and hope.
I am done.

One life, folks.
Atleast let us end it happily.
If we engage in activities which give us shame, till our last day, we will ultimately have lived a shameful life.
Why should we live this one life in shame ..

I much rather suffer without that same.
For there is suffering in even happiness.
Nostalgia brings suffering.
It has brought me immense suffering.
Especially in the last period of time.
That suffering has more meaning to it than any suffering through shame.

I have suffered too much.
I don't know yet, if I am reaching karmic balance.
I deserve to suffer.
And I will always continue to suffer.

'loomingtiger'. Huh.
Truly, they should laugh at me.
It must be amusing.
I am sorry.

Sorry, Dad.
Sorry for everything.

 

I should die alone. As my father.

I'm sorry, dad.