JW's Journey to Freedom

I am going to use this thread to tell a little more of my story and give occasional updates on my PMO recovery journey; particularly how it relates to my involvement to bodybuilding.

To start with, I grew up in a chaotic home. Dad was abusive to me, my siblings, and my mom. Looking back, I see clearly he was a P addict too. He was never satisfied with my moms appearance even though in moms younger days she was very beautiful. He kept plenty of P material around so I started using at age 11, PMO by age 15, and now here I am today.

Dad was also one of the 80's bodybuilders. I suppose that is the only common ground we had. As a teenager maybe around 14-15, I expressed a interest in the sport. Dad jumped right on that and took me under his wing. He bought me a nice home gym system, gave me a set of loadable dumbbells, and gave me my first workout routine. He would talk for hours about the sport. Those are among the few positive memories I have from dad.

I become quite successful in the sport. By around 2011, my PMO habit was gaining steam. I was a rep for a supplement company at the time. I was on a lot of the bodybuilding forums of the day; all of those forums are gone now. Let's say there was a lot of NSFW content on the forums I was apart of! That fueled the habit even further.

By 2012, I was out of the sport completely. Nine years later, I made my way to this forum and got serious about the sport again. In about a years time, I have made up a lot of ground!

I was a functioning addict for years but as the habit got deeper, it affected more of my life. I quit bodybuilding, I let things go undone around the house, I let our business all but collapse, I let my health collapse. I am now working on fixing all of these things. PMO or any form of it is totally not worth it!

My latest goal is no lust at all. Any psubs or worse and I am going to reset my counter. I've found that with me if I allow any of it, it will only get worse.

I have 7 days now. Moving on!

 

Back to double digits on the counter. Now on to triple digits again!

 

20 days on the counter. Not too long until I see 30 again! This has been a tough journey but I continue to make progress. One thing that helps is doing with I love and living the life I truly want to live. I believe that is a lot of the secret to sobriety. One must replace those unwanted habits with things you really want to do.

 

I just noticed I have 60 days on the counter again. I’m glad to see that! I have had 60 days a few times since I’ve been here. This time around is different. Usually on day 60 it still feels like warfare. I can say that right now I have no desire for any P.

What is my takeaway? The whole time I have been here on the site I have been putting in daily effort and it is paying off. I am healing a little bit every day. Will I ever be tempted again? Probably. Will I give in again? I don’t plan to. No matter what tomorrow holds I will continue to fight. I am determined to be completely healed and leave P behind forever. I plan on this streak being the one.

I haven’t been posting as much. I do come on here and read every day. I have a habit of liking every post I read. I do that just to let others know someone is following and cheering them on.

I haven’t been posting as much because I have been living more. I continue to put in the hours working on the online business. I’ve been away from the gym for a few weeks and need to get started back soon. I’ve been looking after the health needs of my mom and brother. Still working to kick the caffeine habit. That one is tough! I plan to post again soon.

 

Just a update. I've been in a little slump lately. I have several family members who are seriously ill. I've been helping in the care and also dealing with the stress that comes with so many being sick. To add to that, I found out yesterday a cousin has what appears to be terminal cancer and is losing weight fast. It is a lot to process. I've been very busy with work and cleaning around the house. I haven't worked out in about a month which I am not happy about. I struggle with motivation for some reason. I guess my body just needs a break. I hope to start back soon. I hope you all are doing well!

 

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it!

 

Just a update. I am still doing well and continue to recover. I haven't posted much lately due to my mom being sick and needing a lot of care. I'm very thankful for the recovery I have under my belt so far. Taking care of mom would have been much more difficult if I was in the previous depths of my addiction. I would have probably been running back to addiction to try to numb things over and I wouldn't have been as effective in my care.

I've found that healing from addiction is a process. As I heal and gain more sobriety, I realize all that addiction has cost me. I realize the hurt I have caused my wife, the time I have wasted, the things I have left undone, the opportunities I have missed, etc. I've found it best to process these slowly and one at a time. Once processed, I look to my future. Sure, I am in my 40's with years of addiction but I probably have a lot of good years left. I will keep pressing ahead with my recovery and make the best of the time I have left.

I haven't been in the gym in weeks. I plan to get back soon!

 

I haven't posted in this thread for a while. Since I am a part of this group I feel like I need to post something here for those who maybe are not active on the main site. While I try to update my journal every day, I will make a weekly summary post on this thread. Feel free to look at my journal for more that is going in my journey if you like.

Just some notes for the week. I usually make this post on Sunday but I had to work all day. I stand almost 2-1/2 years into recovery. I had this notion that when I joined this site it would be my quick cure and everything would instantly get better. That did not happen and it was a unrealistic thing to think. In fact, some things have got worse since I started on here but it was because the ball was already rolling downhill. I do feel things leveling out and I believe I am heading the right direction.

My ecommerce business has been on a steady slide for years. A lot of it was due to my habits but also a lot due to the events and the economy of the last few years. I feel we are getting things lined out and building it back right now.

I started a part time "gig economy" doing deliveries about the time I came on here. I am still doing that and it is working out good. I am making good extra income and I like getting out of the house a bit.

I also started another part time job in November. I get to work on average 1-2 days a week at that. It is going well.

My ultimate goal is to rebuild our business right and phase out of these other things.

I write all of the above to say that for me recovery takes time and it is more than just quitting PMO. It has been exploring the reasons that got me into in and kept me there. Those things had to be explored and corrected. I still work on some of those things to this day. It is about rebuilding all that PMO messed up. I've found that the longer you stay in it, the more damage it does and the more it destroys. Now it is about finding the life I truly want to live and moving into it. This is the part I am putting the most effort into. It takes time. Have a great day everyone!