This is not easy..

1 You are in the right place
2 You are not alone
3 Be account to someone or a group
4 Keep posting your daily Journey on here
- So we can encourage each other

 

Help abounds here, you just gotta stick around and talk about your struggles We will help the best we can, help you help yourself

 

I have had a similar problem with LONG sessions, that left me in tears after a pleasureless ejaculation. Although the longest ever session was probably around 13 hours or so, the multiple days of PMO, were especially draining. I would finish one session, and feeling awful, would 'scrub' my browser and physically clean computer hardware, then head off, have a shower and wash clothes, and any other physical material 'tainted' by the PMO, and talk outloud to myself "You can't do this anymore!". Then, feeling tangibly ashamed and depressed, without planning to, immediately find a trigger, and head back into another long session
...What we have to remember is that relapsing is not the end of the journey. Gaining control of the physical activities/parameters in your life, after indulging in unhealthy pracitses TAKES practice. If you want to change your life then you will eventually succeed.
I've only been a member here for 4 days, but so far I've found analysing the process of triggers that lead to the 'switch' being flicked, (in the situation) where I consciously decide to search for escalating images/stimulus (edging) has been helpful. Go through the forums and realise that there is hope, and perhaps use the forum as an alternative. There is no universal solution to everybody's problem with Porn, but we are all in this together. Stay strong

 

You're definitely at the right place for support alpha. I wish you all the luck and strength in beating this destructive addiction buddy.

Your story reminded me of the summer after my graduation. My mother went on a 3 week long vacation and my dad was working long hours so I had the house all for myself. I was jerking the entire day, hour after hour. It came to a point where I started getting agressive, throwing and kicking things because I couldn't get enough, I wanted to come harder and harder after each and every session. I turned into an anti-social caveman that summer and even started having rape thoughts about every attractive girl I saw and masturbated to ease the pain of not being able touch all those girls. It got better when I found a job, but got worse again when I moved out.

 

(I've got to go back to those TEDx talks and note the names of the 2 speakers as I keep referring to them)

- One of the speakers in the TEDx talks that inspired me to join here on Wednesday theorised that an aspect of (Male) sexuality seeks constant novelty, and that is the reason why our porn addicts begin to seek and fantasize about darker and darker subjects, because they are novel.
The very uncomplicated lesbian orientated fantasies of my teens years eventually became BDSM humiliation and spycam orientated - not necessarily violent but controlling, which doesn't make me feel good in the Real World at all (I don't enjoy manipulating people for my own ends - even white lies).
If we believe that our experience constitutes our consciousness, then these darker subject matters may eventually begin to subtly influence our conscious lives. This is good enough reason to stop watching porn, as for Me, there is no 'safe' way to watch porn. In the past I've committed myself to ONLY watch vanilla porn, but it always leads back to the same darker places, and this theory concerning Novelty explains why. I can understand the desire you spoke of: In the scenario I described, and about to embark on the 2nd or subsequent PMO session, When I was in the 'decision' phase, just before I clicked on my browser, I would think up subject lines darker than ones previously explored....It was all contrary to the way I'd like the Real World to operate.....