Hi guys I want to share my story to see if there's someone else experiencing what I am. It's kind of complicated, I'll try to keep it as simple as possible, still giving all the important information. I want to mention from the beginning that I was raised catholic, but in a very relaxed family, my parents are actually the ones less interested in religion. I found myself many many answers to life's questions in my religion. I'm not saying I'm for the Church, but I'm a convinced catholic without having had any pressure towards it. I know many will blame all of my problems to my religion. Don't read the rest you'll probably get irritated. The whole reason I am still here, I have the strength to continue this battle, the whole point actually, is my faith. I'm a guy, 26 and still a virgin (issue number one). I got no problem with that per se but yeah it's becoming kind of embarrassing because all my friends and family know that I have never had a relationship. Second big issue: I've suffered from nocturnal enuresis throughout my hole life. Basically I urinate while sleeping (rarely dreaming of urinating) and later eventually wake up because I feel wet or even just when the alarm goes off. I have tried many therapies but none really worked. Soon I began to notice some correlation with my mental status but even that is not consistent. Sometimes it follows a rule but then not. It's frustrating, you can't imagine how much... Problem number 3: PMO. I remember having my first orgasm at about 11 without any real or pornographic stimulus, I think I was just peeing, liked to touch myself and eventually just came. A wet dream followed some months or even years later (can't remember). Shortly after I started watching porn whenever possible but not so often on the family computer or at night on TV. Both risky because not in my room but in the common living room. Soon after high speed internet was available, and the real problem arised when I bought my own computer. Problem number 4: I can't remember exactly when, but I eventually began to notice that I liked to look at male actors in porn, and as I discovered there was gay porn, well, since then I have almost exclusively watched gay porn. I don't remember ever to have fall in love with a guy. I do know it has happened with girls but rarely. One giant crush over years, and some smaller ones. Now the tricky part of this problem: Guys attract me sexually but not romantically (I've noticed especially very virile and masculine men, bigger than me, hairy, also older). I don't think of me as gay (I am more comfortable around straight guys, wouldn't want to have a romantical homosexual relationship, I sure do know that I don't like anything put up my butt, I just cannot believe I am gay only because I like watching gay sex. I feel like I'm an animal when watching porn, not in control. But then I always feel bad for having relapsed to wank at something that I know makes me sad. I surely would not like to be gay I surely would love to be straight. I'm convinced of the fact that in the future my happiness lies in having a wife and kids of my own if possible. I don't have problems with gay guys. Problem number 5: In the fall of 2011, at 22 years of age, I began suffering from serious depression, started psychotherapy and later also antidepressants. It got better by spring and in summer I discontinued antidepressants. Then the fall 2012 came and I was back to suicidal thoughts and so on. Same story again, meds and therapy, better in spring, discontinued in summer and back in the fall 2013 with depression. I have since then not stopped meds or therapy anymore because I recognize the cause has not been resolved, but I also know therapy and meds are not the solution. Analysis: The depression issues I think really are just the result of the other problems so I think this I can skip discussing because it should eventually resolve when I solve the other problems. Ok now my thoughts are these: I think, something must have happened when I was a kid (bad relationship with my father, older brothers bullying, idk) that started the enuresis, or rather prevented me from starting to feel the urge and wake up. This wicked family situation, plus the embarrassing, disgusting image I had of myself for waking up in bed in my urine (I also had problems with my weight, I never was obese, but always felt fat. Later in middle school and college this led to extreme training, then again nothing but eat, then anorexia episodes and bulimia). What I try to understand is: is it possible that, all of this has had a huge influence on the way I see myself, feel myself, my identity really, that made me lead towards a homosexual orientation? I think that in the initial moments of crisis and insecurity i was watching at some gay porn, and the fact that I liked it reinforced the distorted view of myself and reinforced itself as always leading to orgasm. I was watching it when developing my sexual orientation and thus now it's what I like. The excessive consumption then obviously led to several other problems and that's why am here now. I also think, in the crucial years, as I was so afraid to approach girls because of my enuresis, my sexual drive had to redirect to something else, because it's not something you can just turn off. I just found out about NoFap and I am amazed by all of you guys. You really restore my faith in men (males! which after many experiences was pretty much gone, I actually didn't feel as a men because of all the bad examples I had). It's amazing that we acknoledge that we have a problem, we are convinced there's much more for us out there than staying closed in our rooms, waisting ours and ours with our dicks in our hands. With this experiment I want try and reboot my entire sexuality, clear my head of everything and discover who I really am. I'm on day 3 and actually quite interestingly yesterday I was aroused and tried wanking with no porn, trying not to imagine anything and with a really soft hand (no death grip) and I couldn't, which I found was great. I don't even have the need for O now because I know I would need M for sure and maybe even P which is what I want to stay away from. I'm sure the hard times will come but I found this interesting. However, what I noticed is that I am sad when I feel I get interested in guys in real life. This I had already experienced but is getting worse. I feel ashamed and it really bothers me to see that I get turned on by a guys body. I probably really don't have to think about this and just go: Ah well it has been like this for years, it just happens. Please encourage me in this journey, I will need all the help you can give me. But I'm proud and positive, we can to this. And for all of those who think I am a homophobic because I don't like the idea of being gay, I can tell you, if this ends with me being a happy gay guy, fair enough, I just want to end the state I am in right now. Sorry for my english it's not my mother tongue. Cheers guys!
I am a gay guy who has experienced several (not all) of the things you describe in my younger days, but with differences, too, and I have to say that I really do not think you have a gay sexual orientation. I would love to share more thoughts on your post, too, but don't have that time and energy at the moment - as you have opened up a quite extensive self-reflection that deserves better justice than a few rushed lines. I think you have a great handle on your issues as well, and you have the tools you need to grow from here. And, by the way, do not ever apologize for your religious faith or the biased impressions or even hateful attitudes that others might have toward your religion (keep strong in it - it has always been there for you, it sounds; it will continue to be so in many more profound ways now) - you will find many tools there too to bring you real healing as well, along with psychological and recovery tools. Let's talk more about this, friend.
Hi there! Thanks for answering, actually I had never talked to a gay guy about all of this, but this point of view could really help to understand what a "true" gay guy feels, and see what the differences are. Looking forward to a more articulated conversation soon, but there's really no rush, it has been like this for years, what difference do days make now?
@donnie88 Thanks for posting. Some of it I can relate to, others stuff not so much. I'll leave the depression and enuresis to someone else. First of all, I am also 26, Catholic, and a virgin (at least by the secular PIV standard). I certainly agree there was a point, about age 24 or so, where it became strongly more embarrassing to admit that one was a virgin than that one was not. (Might have occured sooner, but it's not the sort of thing people typically press you on...) How much of that is innate to the male ego and how much is cultural pressure, I'm not sure. Now that I'm in a relationship, there is a "light at the end of the tunnel" so to speak and I've become considerably more relaxed about it. It sounds like the issues holding you back from a relationship are more complex than that, but I want to reassure you that the virginity issue is not cause for permanent trauma - unlike porn and other artificial hangups, guys brains have been getting over the fact of their virginity since before homo sapiens were a thing. In regard to issue 4: I see this "am I gay" question cropping up often, and according to Catholic teaching, no, you are not. Why? Because, simply put, the Church does not consider sexual orientation to be an identity-making characteristic. You cannot "be" gay, nor for that matter can you "be" straight. Rather, in official documents on the subject, the Church always uses formulae like "persons having deep-seated same-sex attractions." You're a person, full stop. Attraction is something we all experience, but it is not who we are. There is much more that could be said on this, but in brief I hope that helps explain things.
Hi Redominion You are right, the fact that I'm virgin seems to be more of a problem for others than myself, I do not "suffer" from this but obviously would like to change it. I don't know what you mean with the last part of the answer. I mean, I probably agree and it must be true, but still it's not a very helpful tool for trying to deal with this attractions thinking I'm not gay because attractions don't make me gay, but still in the moment I feel sad. I know what the Church says, but these are men of the church who write these things, it's not Gods word really. I have to admit I don't see them as real advisors in matters of romantic and sexual relationships etc because they don't have it. The thing is, the attraction I feel in the presence of some guys makes me feel I am gay, and no matter who tells me I'm not gay in that moment, I still feel somehow I must be. I know my brain probably has connected the sight of mens bodies to pleasant experiences (orgasms) for many years, and this probably is now a very beaten path in my brain. I also understand that this cannot change in days, but still it makes me feel sad to feel attraction when seeing mens bodies. Have I understood your point at all or did I get you wrong. Please tell me what you think
Sorry for the incomplete rundown yesterday, @donnie88, I was in a bit of a rush and had to cut it short. Hopefully I can clarify a few things for you. I was trying to convey what the Catholic position on this subject is, and while it could be a lot more nuanced, it boils down to a distinction between attraction and identity. But I understand that that can come across as very academic or "men of the Church-y," so perhaps my own personal take on this will help. IRL, I've always "been" what pop psychology would call straight. That's not to say that I've never experienced sexual tension around a guy, but like you I've never had a romantic inclination proper for a same sex relationship. In PMO-fantasyland, on the other hand, since romance has been stripped out of the equation, it's more balanced. I had days where I was interested in straight porn, and other days gay (although usually of the younger, more "effeminate"-type). I could actually tell that my sweat smelled different watching gay porn rather than straight, as if entirely different hormones were being produced by my body. Maybe I "am" bi by that definition, but if so, I think it's the case that everyone "is" bi. The attraction preference may skew one way or the other in a person, but it exists on a spectrum. Partly I think this is due to the fact that we are part of the first generation that has had access, via porn, to highly-refined sexual stimuli totally isolated from social/interpersonal complications. In the later stages of my addiction I began to notice a distinct trend; it was almost like a plot that my PMO sessions invariably followed, and once I caught on I could actually predict what I was going to want to watch next before I craved it - kinda weird. To try to summarize what I mean by that (and note, some of this might be a trigger for some people), here's the pattern that developed: 1. There were a handful of (female) models who I particularly liked to search for by name. I would start with a "moderate safe search" type setting where the images were generally p-sub, but, clicking on a result often would bring me to a gallery where the other images were increasingly more explicit. 2. From there I would transition to the next echelon of favorites, who were specifically hardcore performers. Some times it was lesbian, other times straight. This is the stage where video entered. 3. I'd be humming along, watching this stuff, when out of nowhere, I'd do a complete 180 turn and start searching for gay material instead. 4. After a while, I would drop the gay porn and go back to straight, but in this phase, instead of searching by pornstar, I was seeking specific acts/fetishes/settings. The personalities of the actresses, their faces, etc. became utterly inconsequential. Out of this I realized that the gay phase was not about the porn itself; rather I was using it as a way to transition from my attraction to the actresses as protagonists to a fixation on the act itself, while simultaneously substituting myself into the fantasy. Once that was achieved, it became uninteresting again. On an incidental note, I have always had a strong aversion to POV porn, straight and gay alike. Not sure what the significance of that is, but it seems related to this "anti-protagonistic" impulse. I could probably go on further, but this is your thread, not mine, so I want you to let me know if any of this resonates with you, or if it is just my own personal tangent.
Hi there Thanks for the explanation and sharing your experience. I didn't quite experience the same. I sometimes could get off at watching straight porn, but really focused on the guy, his masculinity was the thing that excited me. But still, 98% of times I MO at gay porn because that would excite me more. Your observations on the pattern you created is interesting, but it wasn't really something that happened to me. Regardless, thanks for answering!
I wanted to add something that I forgot in my first email that could explain some things. Redominion I also never felt attracted to POV porn, maybe because of the same reason you describe. What I find could explain my inclination to gay porn and from there on to thinking I am gay and from there on finding myself checking out guys in real life, is that straight porn negatively shocks me because of how women act and how they are treated in it. As I already stated, I have never had a positive male role model in my life, and growing always felt that there was something more "malignant" in men than in women, women are more pure, perfect etc. I obviously don't really think this but I find my brain works like this a little bit. So, when seeing straight porn, the image I have of women is completely ruined, I find myself thinking it's disgusting what they do, they are angels why would they do this. And on top of that I see men who treat them like animals, no respect, and so the male figure is even more depredated. In gay sex instead, it's all evil, men fuck men, they are all negative models and I don't see someone treated without respect. And since it is bad in its entirety it doesn't negatively shock me. I obviously don't think all of this really, there is evil in men and women, regardless, and porn is bad in general, but I find this is also a fact that may have led me to watch gay porn and getting off at it. I know it may seem the whole thread has turned on my problem with sexual orientation rather than with masturbating at porn, but I strongly believe these are strongly linked as my addiction may have made me develop tendencies that do not belong to me. Thats why I want to completely stay away from it, cancel everything, to discover who I really am and what I really like. Thanks for answering and comments, I'm looking forward to discuss this with you
Well, you're absolutely right about the atrocious treatment of women in porn. Or course, the typical depiction of male actors as depraved enablers or sleazy, manipulative creeps isn't much better! To further pinpoint/clarify matters, I assume you dislike lesbian scenes for the same reasons as straight porn (that is, it contradicts your idealized notion of women as "more pure, perfect, etc.")? Also, I notice in your original post that you have had crushes on girls in the past. Putting aside the male self-image/attraction issues, do you still find women sexually attractive in real life, or not?
Ehm not very much, at the moment it's the male body who turns me on the most. Actually I noticed that to be attracted by a woman she needs to be extremely hot and super sexy. That would do it, but "normal" girls don't really excite me sexually :/
