Please help me understand! Question from girlfriend trying to understand and supoort

Yes I think him not watching porn is the reason he is lasting longer and/or having a hard time cumming. As I've learned from stories on this site and from personal experience, abstaining from porn initially lessons or turns off a guys libido. Here's why; the human brain thinks watching porn is the same as having sex. Usually when males watch porn they watch more videos and think that each girl they watch they are having sex with. So this creates ALOT of dopamine and other "feel good" neurotransmitters. In your boyfriends case, if he automatically just turns off porn (which his brain has become conditioned to think is real sex) it will be hard to achieve that large amount of dopamine with you (only one person). Since he can't achieve that built up level of dopamine with just you, his sexual performance may decline initially as he brain restores back to its normal default settings. This isn't an insult or anything, it's just the truth and it is why porn is so destructive and addictive. The good news is that eventually from abstaining from porn his brains "reward center" will return to normal, he will be able to have sex normally with you again. Let me reiterate, you should NOT feel bad about yourself if he can't cum fast or whatever, just be happy he is abstaining from porn to get back to having great sex again. For your second question, he should be quitting porn for HIMSELF. Because porn is so addictive, it can really fuck up everything about one's life, not just relationships. If he doesn't realize this, then show him this website. Every single male on earth should not watch porn as it is specificically design to make us addicted and fuck up our heads. Please show him this website, I'm speaking from personal experience and from anecdotes i've read on this website. As far as if he had been rented or been watching porn more than once a week... I really don't know. It depends on how long and how frequent he has watched porn. For example, if he has watched porn for 10 yrs than he will certainly feel tempted because he is surely addicted. Do u know how long he has been watching porn? If you want him to be honest with you, best advice I can give you is to show him this website. Let him see how disruptive porn is for so many young men. Once he sees this, I'm sure he will come clean and live a life of honesty with you and with your support he will be able to overcome his porn addiction. It seems like u guys have a great relationship, please don't let something like porn ruin it. If u want him to be open with u, be open with him. It works both ways. Tell him that u want him to overcome this problem for himself and your relationship that u cherish greatly. I'm sure u guys will overcome this together. Best of luck!!

 

http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/objectification-in-a-nutshell.59280/ this is a nice thread at the moment plus the tedx talk might be empowering for you.

 

http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-day-my-marriage-changed.58811/ this link might be much better and suitable for your immediate situation. The answer in the second post seems like something very well expressed. It also occurred to me that your boyfriend is arousing himself with his phone just so that you both can have great sex together. Whether you move onto to freeing yourselves from objectification is up to you and is a long term goal and I suspect you are both still in your twenties right? Having said that addiction to porn and sex can get worse and it maybe better to work towards a way to connect that does not need more and more excitement. Anyway as you can see from this forum he is not the only one caught by this addiction so give him the time and space he needs to stop. All the best.

 

It's definitely not a picnic in the park, that's for sure. I'm sorry your going through this. Know that you're certainly not alone. Feel free to vent, or ask questions anytime. There is so much help and support, and tons of great people available to help in this group. Don't ever hesitate to reach out, Best wishes to you...sending hugs!

 

@Kim_222
I can certainly relate .... I feel very anxious and cannot enjoy myself outside in the world like I used to .... The lies and being deceived for so long .... I hate feeling like this :'(

 

This is an excellent and important topic, thanks for raising @Kim_222

I'll share some of my experiences:

do you think him not watching porn is the reason he is having a hard time cunning or the reason he is lasting longer? He insists he never thought of other ppl while we were doing things. He was adamant about this. But it seems strange he is taking longer now.
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-Do you think that he was really only going on porn once a week or so, or would it be more often and he's just afraid to tell me. I don't want any more lies.

For me personally, it is the opposite although I do not disagree with @cubs2516 input above. This is assuming that masturbation is accompanying the porn. Masturbation is a main factor that desensitizes the genitals as various grips etc applied with a pressure greater than the pressure from a virgina. Desensitized genitals means delayed ejaculation. Also, with habitual porn, your fantasy eventually lives in your head and not so much right in front of you/reality. He could very well be fantasising about you in his head while he's having sex with you as a result. When I abstain from porn for a while I do have a period when my libido is lower but I also notice after a while my penis sensitising again and my erections are stronger. After 3 weeks of stopping I had no issues, don't get discouraged though.

Some observations you can make make:
- Do you notice him closing his eyes and "focusing" while he's having sex with you? He could be "still in his head".
- If you haven't had sex in a day or two, and when you do and he's taking long to come. Have a glimpse at the amount he came. If its "smaller amount than usual" then he may still be masturbating behind the scenes.

- do you think he is quitting for himself? And if he is quitting for me, will it last? I don't want him to do anything for me. I just want honesty
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-I'm worried he'll continue to lie even though he was so happy that I was supporting him and promised to be there. He cried and cried and told me how much closer this has made us and thanked me for understanding. I truly believe he thinks that it will hurt my feelings if he slips up and he hates confrontation. Would this cause the never ending cycle to continue? Thoughts on this?

I quit mainly for myself. You have to quit for yourself otherwise its less likely to be sustainable. See, if I value my relationship and I want to have great sex with my partner, this itself becomes an intrinsic motivator for me to stop as porn just isn't worth it when you have someone amazing. It sounds like he values you, your child and the relationship and he wants it to work out, he knows you don't like it and he understands why, so that becomes a motivator for him. But that doesn't mean he does not have his struggles and after a moment of weakness he may be ashamed, beat himself up about it, and thus tempted to "beat around the bush" or lie. This could also be a reason why he doesn't want to watch with you.

-any other reasons why he would suddenly not cum as fast as he used to?
Would you describe your sex life as "routine"? Have you tried possibly spicing things up on your side? Maybe spontaneously doing one of his healthy fantasies?

-he's said he hasn't been tempted yet and he's trying to figure out his triggers but hasn't yet. It's been 3 weeks. Is this believable not to be tempted?

There are always temptations, but it depends whether one entertains those thoughts are not. Fortunately, he has you, your support and you still have sex together. He has the sexual outlet which can make recovery from porn (an hence rewiring from the fantasy in the head to reality) faster and more probable.


In essence, porn sucks for relationships and men have their struggles. its a marathon not a sprint. I think its great that you're open minded, supportive and I think you've got this!

 

Great. Let me know how it goes @Kim_222

 

Until he quits using porn you will never know his true sexual turn ons trust me.
As my boyfriend is at about week 10 now of no p or m his desire for kink is at about nil now. He desires passionate kisses and intense intimate sex. A total turn around from him wanting me to peg him.
My bf had DE from too much porn and m not less porn.
Do what that one guy said when you skip sex a few days then have it check his spunk. My boyfriend's spunk use to be thin, small amount and no scent or taste. Now it's totally the opposite.
The clues to finding out the truth are there. The guys rarely tell the truth sadly until they hit rock bottom.