yeah, this is difficult

Hey everyone!

Can't say how many times I've tried to quit, as I have tried after each and every time. I've lost track of that number years ago, let alone the number of hours I've thrown down the drain sitting in front of a screen with all those meaningless pixels and just my own face staring back at me. You know that feeling, don't you?

I got hooked way too early. My family had split up and I wasn't living at home anymore, and some guy decided it was good to break me in by showing me some porn on the net so I'd know what's up between a man and a woman. I think I was about 10, and was also into heavy drinking.. drugs not long after that.

After an interesting night on shrooms when I was about 20, I decided that I needed to turn my life around. I quit all the substance abuse I was into in that moment. Drinking, drugs, smoking. Cold turkey. No problem. I have a few beers here and there these days, but I can say with confidence that I don't have a problem with alcohol. PMO was different, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't kick the habit. And trust me on this one, I tried all kinds of different things. I threw myself into the wilderness for days and weeks at a time, threw my router out of the window of my 11th floor apartment. I even went to a Priest and asked to have an exorcism done. Covenant Eyes? Yeah, been there. Done that. I found a way to hack it. I'm either too smart for my own good or way too motivated to watch porn.

FYI:
* I will never tell a soul how I hacked Covenant Eyes, so please don't ask me how I did it.
* I did tell Covenant Eyes though, so they can improve their software.
* I still feel like it would be a waste of money to get it again given my skill with computers.

I did have a measure of success a few years back. I was on an anime forum and decided to challenge everyone to do a NoFap contest for fun and mutual support. I managed to go for about 5 months, but then some terrible things happened to me in life.. some really nasty rejections.. and I caved in and relapsed. It's been even worse since then.

Now I'm 30 and I am desperate to get this habit out of my life. I don't like it for so many reasons on a multitude of levels. I don't like that I like it and how it makes me hate myself for that. I really want to beat this and the fact that I'm still struggling after all I've done has been utterly disheartening.

I am so glad to have found this community and am excited to try again. I was beginning to think my case may be hopeless, the mental warfare has been a tough daily battle. Then I came across this community and tried out the Panic Button for kicks. The image that popped up simply blew me away, if it were not for this picture I may not have taken the plunge to make an account:



For reasons that are exceedingly difficult to explain, the movie Interstellar is a powerful metaphor to me. You can think of me as weird if you like, but I do not think of that as a mere coincidence.

So, I'm here now.
Looking forward to meeting you all.
(c=

 

Hey mint, thanks for that suggestion! I've considered it. I really have. I've even considered going and living in the mountains as a lonely hermit, living off plants and goat-milk. I'd call her Betty and be very happy. I know it's kind of funny to say that, but I'm not entirely joking.

I'm on disability right now due to a multitude of health issues that I'm working to overcome. I wish it was as simple as not being around or on a computer. I do that as much as I can. However, I've got some computer things I am working on to dig myself out of this disability-hole. It's part of what keeps me in the vicious loop...

Health issues ---> Social problems
Social problems ---> Isolation
Isolation ---> Boredom & Idle Hands
Boredom & Idle Hands ---> Bad choices
Bad choices ---> Health issues

It would be great if people would grant me some understanding, but I somehow end up getting judgement instead. No matter how I try to rearrange my words or clothes, there's a deeply rooted stigma in people's hearts towards me that takes a lot of my energy to work to overcome. I just don't have it in me to face people these days and be "me".

So, in order to make myself more "socially acceptable" I have been working on getting myself a source of income that is not social assistance. But, given the health issues, I am currently limited in that regard. It's twisted, isn't it? My route to freedom is through the same medium that is my personal hell. I do get away from time to time, but there is no escaping the problem.

What has helped the most in the past is fessing up that I have an issue and coming into a place where people understand and support another in trying to get out of it. I had such a place, but it became unhealthy and I had to put on my boogie shoes and peace out. So, discovering this community is great. Truly great.

I know that was a long answer to such a simple question, but the context of this thing is so encompassing that it is hard to explain briefly.. From all I've learned, encouragement & camaraderie play a huge role in getting through this. That much, I'm in 100% for (c=

I'll be sure to drop by if anything starts to trigger me... the way people are responding here already it seems like I could have my hands full just replying to messages!

 

Thanks Matthew, you're right, you just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It doesn't surprise me about how you kicked your pill addiction. I was so confused a long time, "why is porn so much harder to stop that all the other stuff?" It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggled with that kind of thing