Hello all, I'm new here, a 40 something who is married and just realized that I need some help because my addiction is getting out of control. I've had a problem with P for awhile now. My wife and I never really talked about it except for the times she caught me and called me out which usually ended in a huge fight. This also made me feel guilty, ashamed and swearing to myself that I was going to show some willpower and really stop this time. Unfortunately, I have never been able to completely give it up. Our lives are very stressful right now, work, school, kids, bills, you name it which has caused us to lose some closeness and intimacy in our relationship. In recent months as my problem was getting out of control, I was sure that she knew and was choosing to just ignore the problem. I needed to let go of all the guilt an stress that P was giving me and I decided to quit. I knew I needed help so I joined Nofap and decided to tell my wife and ask her to be my accountability partner. I told my wife this weekend that I have fallen, was looking at P and needed her help. To my chagrin, she claimed that she didn't know I was looking again and it took her by surprise. I know it hurt her and she just kind of numbly accepted it. No fight, no yelling, no guilt trip. I'm glad I told my wife as I felt it was the right thing to do and that I needed her help if I was going to quit for good. The question I have is did I make the right choice? Should I have tried to work through this on my own and not hurt her? I looking for any feedback but I'd really like to know what the wives and girlfriends think. Thanks all ratrob
It can go both ways, depending on the circumstances: Sometimes I think that if one is going to act badly, one should man up enough and bear the guilt of it himself and do something about it, and not just confess to one's partner to alleviate one's own guilt. That is somewhat selfish and weak, as weak as is falling into relapse in PMO addiction once again. It's the same sickness -all about me and my penis and my ease and pleasure. One may not be thinking about one's partner, but only to ease one's own conscience. On the other hand, one should be an open book to one's partner for good and for bad, but in that you haven't been so in many years regarding this, the starting point perhaps shouldn't have been thinking of your own ease first. Regardless, what's done is done. Now you need to take the path of serious and full-force recovery of this addiction, especially as you let this out of the bag. While your wife may want you to give this up and have a general intention of support, she cannot be your AP pity board every time you fall, thus increasing her pain again and again with ever cheap act of PMO pleasure you relapse into. You need to be the one to absolutely suffer the withdrawal pains of addiction now for love of your wife, and cut this sh*t out of your life. She doesn't deserve this anymore. You need to get angry over this addiction to the point of seething hatred, so that you won't want to continue in PMO hell anymore, destroying everything and everyone you know and love. I hoped that I stated this in such a way to make you see the real ugliness of this addiction all the more and to indeed fuel your hatred of it more. Best wishes, brother!
Hi. I'm 41 years old. I am married with three young children. I have been addicted to porn for close to 25 years. I have been married for 15. I was caught by my wife once and lied my way out of it. I said that the movie was instructional and that it would assist both of us. I then ordered an instructional video to corroborate the lie. I am not going to tell my wife. I do want to quit porn. I already used my Get Out of Jail free card. After kicking the habit, my wife will never know that there ever was a habit. I think that because you have been caught by your wife, coming clean is the right decision. You owe it to youself, your wife and your kids to quit porn. Porn breaks up families. Porn will never love you or look up to you like your family. You made the right choice for your family. Family life may be stressful, but there are ways to lessen the stress and get some respite. Porn only adds to the stress. We 40 year olds need to be supportive of one another. Although the others are well meaning, I think that family men understand us family men the best.
As you've already told her, I would caution you to continue to be honest with her. Personally I think it's the best option for addicts in a relationship. Nothing good ever comes of lying. If you had committed a crime, or has gambling debts, or a terminal illness, you wouldn't hide that from your spouse. This issue effects you both so it's only fair to let her know what's going on. This doesn't mean you have to lean on her too heavily. You don't need to get her to police your actions. You need to stop this for yourself. Her support should contribute to your recovery.
That is wonderful that you are trying quit porn ( I wish my bf would try ) You're not perfect you slipped but you were honest and told her .... She felt hurt but she knows you are trying and she probably respects your honesty .... Good luck
I admitted to my partner yesterday that I am challenging myself to quit PMO. She does not have a wholly negative view on PMO but only because she doesn't know to what extent it has damaged my life. She was a little shocked as she felt this was coming out of the blue, but supportive none the less. I'm glad that she knows what I'm struggling with personally, even though she does not know all of the details yet.
@ChiHov That's great news ! and you know honesty is important even as hurtful it may seem better the truth than lies .... I truly wish you success and to you and yours porn free happiness
Sorry, REF bold; I shouldn't laugh but you made me chuckle. You're some crafty mofo lol. I'm 42. Addicted for 25 year here, married for 16 years here. I bought a Tens machine telling the wife it was for muscle pain... which it should be...until she caught me with that on myself.. I watched those instructional videos before and learn some good techniques from them...but it ended up being another porn product....and it gave me something else to "try" or attempt trying with the wife. And I often told her that that the darn porn stuff on screen was recurring pop ups malware...yes I was lying too.. But I say..telling is better, its honesty.. better the truth now that the GF feeling betrayed later...
Thanks all for the replies, JoeinMD you bring up a good point, what is the purpose behind telling your significant other and is it for the right reasons? It's a good question to bring up because if you are just trying to rid yourself of guilt and allow yourself to continue your actions with no remorse your setting up yourself for failure. I can tell everybody here that isn't the case with me. I told my wife because I was tired of the lies, tired of sneaking around and tired of trying to pretend that everything is OK, when it's obviously not. I am tired of letting myself down, tired of letting my wife down and tired of letting my family down. My wife said she didn't know i was looking at P, but I honestly believe that deep down she probably had some idea it was happening, if no other reason that my past failures. The 12 steppers believe in admitting you have a problem and then reaching out to the people you have hurt to make amends. This is what I'm trying to do with my wife; admitting my problem and letting go of all the lies so I can hopefully move forward. Thank you all for the support. PMO is so damaging but when you add a family to the mix it just magnifies the problem. I'm sure my kids could sense the tension between me and my wife in the past even if they didn't know or understand the reason behind it. This is a bad example to set for them. Remember your family is more important than PMO! Veritech (love the avatar BTW), I understand why you haven't told your wife and I think that if you are serious about quitting PMO and can avoid hurting her than you are doing the right thing. I wish you well and hope you succeed. If you come to a point where you continue to fail or if your addiction becomes apparent to her then I think you should reconsider. Ladies, I understand today how hurtful PMO is to you. When I was younger I didn't realize this and I use to say to myself "what's the big deal?" I remember thinking to myself, why can't my wife be cool and watch P with me or go to strip clubs with me. Man, what a horrible way to think. With maturity comes understanding and I know today how wrong my actions and thinking were to my wife who has stood by me through thick and thin for over 20 years now. I still have a long way to go, but at least I have some sort of foundations to build off of. Ladies keep the faith that if you and your significant have a true bond that God will help you resolve these issues but it may take time and a lot of effort. Update! My wife talked about all the stress and problems that we're having right now and got a lot of stuff out in the open. I think it's going to take some time to build trust and closeness again, but I feel really good that we're heading in the right direction. We're planning a trip together for this summer. We're going to get away for a few days and just spend some time together to try and rekindle a spark. I know that is still a long ways off (gotta wait for school to be out) but I think working towards that reward will be worth it!
Hi! In my opinion - be honest with her. That 'no fight, no yelling, no guilt trip' holds such a huge amount of pain. I was ready to give up after finding out again that my hubby @Silverback had returned to his tricks again but then I was shown this website and I honestly believe it has saved our marriage. My hubby has since told his son and daughter too. His mum already knew about it as I had confided in her from previous times. If you truly want to stop, then put blockers in place - either on your devices or directly on the router. That helps my hubby coz he knows he can't get to the sites so there's no point in trying. Then you have to be willing to talk and listen and take it on the chin at how much you've hurt her, then get to work to make it better between you. Constant reassurance and openness. Spend time together - you've probably forgotten what it's like!
Hi Ratrob, Following mj's thread above. Yes, be honest with her. My reasoning? If you lie to her, you're lying to yourself. Who are you deceiving then? Best of luck in your quest, there's a great bunch of folks here who will give you advice & help. It's up to you if you really want it. SB
Before I knew this was an addiction for @Silverback, I actually suggested this! My thinking was, if he was going to look at it, we could look together and have some fun but of course that didn't work because he behaved totally differently with me being there. I hope you and your wife keep the lines of communication open and good like with your few days away later.
Well just like most of the replies I agree that you shouldn't regret having told her. I was going through the same fear yesterday having just told my girlfriend that I am addicted to pornography and that the reason our sex life has taken ups and downs is because during those times my addiction has greater affected my life. It was for me a very freeing experience having told her; I was just lucky she had been so understanding. As for my girlfriends thoughts, though it does bother her more or less by the fact that In a sense I am stealing a chance to connect with her and she said it in a very great way which started my desire to join this site and quit. She said fixating on pornography is shortchanging the relationship a potential at an intomacy beyone what we have. One of the greatest things you can give a SO is exclusivity and with marriage and commited relationships why wouldn't you want to give your other everything you are. And it makes sensce because the most intimat thing I can tell my girlfriend is "i'm yours". She was happy I told her, plus she now knew the problems happening with my inital ED wern't because of her which must have felt nice. I know I need her help if I want to quit and I am sure you felt the exact same way... And yeah it might be a bit selfish but thats what for better or worse means and thats the role you sign up for as a partner because in essence you are doing it in part for yourself but also in part for you two as a whole. I hope my post helps you!!... This was something that just recently happened to me so I figured it might help you in some way because this is my inital reaction and hers to having opened up unedited.
"The question I have is did I make the right choice? Should I have tried to work through this on my own and not hurt her?" Right choice. Want to break this cycle? Kill this bloody beast? Cut the legs out from under it. What are the legs? Lies and secrecy.
