His addiction still has me wounded 4 years later. Will it ever go away?

@Ana Maria

Look, I am sorry for what happened to you.

On the other hand, if you will continue to feel miserable, you are not helping anyone (not even yourself).

Simply: For the wrong person, you will never have enough value, but for the right person you will mean everything.

//

Spent some time on yourself, maybe join the gym or some girl sessions (cooking), volleyball, simply go out and and find yourself some social circle.

Consider to buy some new clothes, change hair style etc.. Make the best out of yourself.

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Regarding guys: Ask them...

Explain them that it is important to you but ultimately, you need to be honest.

(Well, I need to ask too, If I want to know that the girl has a boyfriend or I can just find out after 3 dates like me this Monday)

 

I'm so sorry for what you are struggling with. Have you tried counseling? It really helped me a lot. Secondly, I've invited you to our private group for SOs. It's a place where people understand what you are going through.

 

I agree that you should try counseling because this is now your problem even though you are not with him, you have taken it on as who you are. Don't let his horrible addiction define you. I am going to counseling to help myself because of how low I felt with his addiction.
All of your emotions and thinking are normal for partners of P addicts. But you have chosen not to live with that anymore and ended your relationship. So why choose to continue through your own life in the way you are feeling? It is not fair that we have to live through these feelings when we did not choose or create this addiction. But you have the power to choose to become healthy again and turn your life into something where you value yourself. You are worth it. You had the strength to get out of that relationship because you know you are worth more that pixels on a screen. Now show yourself that you are strong and get some help to overcome these negative feelings. It feels so much better when you talk to a counselor. They have a way of making you change your thinking and completely understand how you feel and validate your emotions. It is worth leaving this P addiction and it's side effects behind.

I hope you find strength and not continue to let this addiction define the beautiful person that you are. You are worth so much more and deserve to be happy.

 

Just to answer some of the questions you asked in your post. I won't answer them individually, but just give my thoughts on the issue you touched on.

Porn is a big issue for us.

Males are wired to go in search of females to reproduce with. Females are wired to respond to the best male.

Human society values monogomy. And despite it going against our instincts, it seems more sensible and less complicated than polygamy.

There are a lot of males who cannot find the female they are searching for. Our society makes this not as easy as our caveman brain expects.

Then they gave us porn. Delivered right to our homes. Most of us started viewing while we were still children ourselves and became addicted before adulthood.

Then a man meets a woman. She accepts him as the best mate at that time. That doesn't make it easy for him to stop watching porn. It has been his entire sex life to date.

The relationship progresses. Her libido for this particular man over time naturally drops. Her cavewomen brain is not prepared for monogamy either and so doesn't view him as the best reproductive mate anymore. She doesn't know where her libido went.

His porn use escalates. She finds out. Now she really doesn't see him as a potential mate anymore. Her libido (for him) shuts down completely. The vicious cycle continues. Porn is his main (or only) outlet.

His wife isn't attracted to him and is no longer his mate. Eventually, his subconscious no longer views her as a potential mate (because she isn't) and he loses his attraction to her.

This won't fit all marriages, but it is a common scenario.

Probably almost all men PMO or MO (to some extent or another).

I am sure it must be hurtful, but it is kinda understandable how it happens - much like childhood obesity. We just weren't ready for junkfood and inactivity.

So, how do you let go of your hurt? You have to realise something: it ain't personal.

It is a result of the evolution of our society moving faster than our brains and also the way our society invents unnatural things we can't actually handle.

Like a moth flying to the light and getting burned, mankind continues to mess up by not listening to nature.

 

I'm sorry for your state. I did this to my girlfriend two years ago and reading this makes me cringe. I even thought of sending her this thread to make her realize how difficult it was. Please don't feel like you're not worth it, cause you are. My girlfriend was beautiful, and I made her feel differently fapping instead of having sex with her. It's important to step onto the male's shoes too though. You will never understand what a huge sex drive some men have, and as @CountryDude said, getting infinite amounts of porn delivered to our screens doesn't help. You just be careful asking men bout this, some think it's totally acceptable to watch porn everyday. It isn't. But just go on a few days and then casually ask. Point him towards one of these forums, specifically a thread you found intense. Don't treat yourself like this, you're beautiful and the only person who can really convince you about that is you. Be confident. Not all guys have this problem, heck I think most of them are sex machines anyway so you shouldn't worry too much. Hope you feel better soon. And remember, don't let one guy make you feel ugly or unfit. There will always be another willing to give it all for you. And that's the beauty of it: finding him. You'll know.

 

Ana,

I understand your situation, as I made my wife suffer too. BUT. I NEVER watched teen stuff. I understand that when we get older and the body ages too, and the "significant other" in watching teen girls you may feel like you can't match.

But realistically, you can NEVER match porn in a way. The addict turns to "science fiction sex", images and video instead of real sex.
Trust me, I even lost my erections because of porn...I had to re-learn how to real sex and enjoy it more, just like it should.

So don't think you are wrong, not beautiful, cause you are!
I was watching mature sex myself, and my wife still thought I was looking at younger (she's in her early 50's). I wasn't! But, how can you make that acceptable? Never acceptable!

Porn is a real trap. Your ex fell for it. His brain was screwed. You are beautiful and you have re-gain that confidence.

Watch a few videos like those ones, to understand porn (and its effect on the addict). That will help you understand better that you ARE NOT the problem.









You are right about porn, lots of people watch it. This is definitely like the plague. Dating these days might prove "interesting". I'm glad I'm not on the market anymore.

You need to re-gain that confidence about your body! Easier said than done maybe. But you didn't change. YOUR EX changed. He got caught!

 

If your partner can somehow come here and try reboot there is a big chance he will start liking you like before. How can we do that is a problem.

 

From my experience with this topic, about 5 years, and the research out there, PMO addiction has nothing to do with sex. Guys don't watch porn to have more sex, M or MO or PMO is not sex. And it is a poor substitute, but people forget that, and overindulge and hurt their brains' ability to make good choices.
The way he treated you sucked, big time, and I struggle with the same shitty feelings. But I also read a lot of research and this addiction, while a mean one, is an addiction. An addict will lie cheat and/or steal to get a fix, and anyone in the way of that fix is a casualty. He was stuck in a dark place, and he used your insecurities (universal insecurities) against you to manipulate the situation so he could keep getting his fix, in this case P. I have been in a loving relationship with my husband for 25 years, and he recently shared that at his worst with this free streaming P these past few years he would have left before he gave it up, that's how much control it had over him. The power and control it has over people is insane, he said he felt insane, he was driven to do it then after would feel so shamed and depressed. He couldn't really even see or feel me. And the same may have been true for you and your ex. I hate to hear you feeling badly, it is such a terrible fallout of this addiction. Stay conscious to the reality that is was not about you, he had a disease that made him unable to care for your wellbeing.
You see that he manipulated you, you were enough, he was not.
And I hear you about dating and the PMO addiction epidemic, my husband sometimes feels jealous if a post here seems flirty toward me, I reassure him, if we don't work out, this is the last place I would look for a date
I hope to never go through the horrible pain of dating a PMO addict, it nearly killed our relationship. It was killing our relationship, and I didn't even know what it was that was harming us, so fucked up.
To all the addicts out there, STOP HIDING IT, it makes it all 1,000 times worse!

 

I am sorry to Say I have no understanding for what you write. Because a guy watched porn he Traumatized and destroyed and because of him you don't feel sexy anymore? There is always someone smarter, bigger stronger and more beautiful. I can only see a hurt ego here, just being honest.

 

Maybe honest, but not very kind, kind of proves my point above.

 

You're right. I was thinking the same thing

 

You said it yourself, "he traumatized and destroyed" her self esteem, self confidence and self image. That's not about her hurt ego. I hope through your no flap journey you gain a little empathy for others, as this addiction distorts feelings towards others.

 

It's not that i wrote with malevolent intent. I mean to give advice on what could be done or changed by her to achieve her feeling better.
It's not about being kind or unkind but being real. pushing yourself into the victim role will not achieve anything. Maybe it's just my life philosophy but I believe everyone is responsible for their own happiness and their own feelings.
But I guess my good intentions fall on deaf ears here, so I will not use up my time for sowing discord and arguing.
Anyway I wish you good luck with your progress Ana Maria.

 

Explaining your thoughts about your what you originally stated sounds better than the initial post.
Sometimes using the most direct words through text can sound unemotional and intolerant of others. I agree with you that we are all responsible for ourselves and I often state on here that we need to give ourselves what others cannot, and to seek counseling to help us get healthy individually. Thanks for clarifying