New Beginning

So I have started this thread in an attempt to keep myself accountable and to post whenever I need to vent in order to get through the inevitable difficult patches.

I first started watching porn when I was around 14 and watched it on and off for the next few years. When I was 16 I became ill with a kidney issue and spent most of the next 3 years isolated in my bedroom in excruciating pain due to constant misdiagnosis. It was during this time that I really started exploring porn more (stuck in bedroom on own with laptop = dangerous). At this time i was also diagnosed with depression. Very quickly I started watching more extreme pornography. I had never been intimate with a girl at this point and was starting to think I might be gay. I started feeling incredibly guilty for watching porn where girls where gangbanged, violently violated and used. This led to me seeking out guys to do the same to me in order to punish myself (strange but that's how my head works). I met up with quite a few guys and punished myself.

When I was 20 I met a girl that I fell for and almost instantly stopped watching porn. For the next 6 months everything was great until I started slipping back into old habits. I started watching porn but this time around I wasn't getting as excited. I started talking to girls on cam sites behind my girlfriends back and paying girls to do things to themselves. This again led to obsession and guilt. I started becoming more closed off, I couldn't cum during sex, I was starting to get more violent during sex and I was very closed off. My depression got worse and I attempted suicide. My girlfriend cheated on me and left me just two months after we got engaged. My whole world fell apart.

Over the next two years I became convinced that no girl would ever love me. I was going no satisfaction from the cam sites and so started down the route of dangerous behaviour by meeting up with escorts as well as going to gay saunas in order to punish myself. I'm not gay but I would say i am also not 100% straight either. I have no problem with gay people or transgender or anyone for that matter. I have enjoyed sex with men in the past but ultimately I prefer women.

I then met the girl of my dreams and we got together. This was a year ago. Everything was going great until I had a massive relapse and got diagnosed with bipolar type 2. Since then I have been off work and struggling with my addiction. I have started watching porn again on a daily basis. My girlfriend knows and is understanding but it is not fair on her or myself. So from today I will watch no more porn, will not look for escorts or visit places that could lead to me losing everything that i hold dear. I won't masturbate and will only get sexual relief through sex with my girlfriend.

Hopefully, through doing this I can start to rewire my brain and escape this destructive addiction once and for all. Through doing this I hope to prove to myself that I am stronger that I believe and inevitably it will help with my mental well being. If anyone wants to join me on this journey from today and wants to post here on be accountable then you are more than welcome to join me.

Good luck to everyone fighting this addiction and I wish you all the best.

 

Day 2. It's been a rough day. I've had a letter from my employer telling me they have overpaid my sick pay and I now owe them £1500. On top of that I woke up feeling shit and I just can't shake anything today. I haven't looked at any porn however and haven't had the desire to do so. Hopefully I can get through the rest of today.

 

End of day 3 and still managing to stay away from porn and masturbation. It's usually at this point that the urge really starts to kick in but so far so good. I've not had a great day mentally, struggling with being off work and having no money. Feeling very much like a failure. However, I managed to go to the gym and I've joined slimming world... Time to get healthier I think. Pleased with the progress so far, now onto day 4

 

Day 6. I am having a rough day and the desire to act out is becoming stronger. Over the last 6 days I have watched no porn, not masturbated and had sex with my girlfriend once (no orgasm). This morning I went to the gym and had a crap session and since then have been in and out of sleep. I am feeling like a huge failure and my anxiety is incredibly high. I do not know what to do with myself and I am finding that I just want today over with. Guess it's going to be a case of grin and bare it throughout the rest of today and hope I can find the strength to stay in control.

 

So after a rough few days, I finally gave in and failed. Ended up watching a lot of porn throughout most of the day. My diet was shit and the day was just impossible. Still, it is over now and I am restarting my journey at Day 1. It has been 19 hours since I last failed and I am determined to beat this.

I am doing this because I want to have children and my excessive porn watching means that I am unable to orgasm during sex and my desire for sex is significantly reducing by the day. So here is to day 1, the start of the rest of my life.

 

Fucked up again today. Finding live extremely difficult and I am just falling apart and finding myself looking at porn and eating my own body weight in shit food. My two vices. So tomorrow will be day 1 again. I think I need to find an accountability partner. If there is anyone who would like to be held accountable with me and to support each other then just message me

 

Day 2: Friday. Successfully got through yesterday even though my psychologist signed me off because there is nothing more he can do to help me....really fucking helpful. I also managed to eat ok yesterday gaining only 13.5 syns on slimming world. Today, I am feeling a bit uncomfortable and everything just seems difficult so i am putting everything off. Going to force myself to go to the gym later and stick to healthy eating. Fingers crossed. Good luck everyone for getting through today Porn Free!!

 

I'm not saying that I want a baby to fix my problems, what I am saying is that I want a family in the future so I want to get myself sorted out now so that I am able to do that. My dad had mental health problems and ended up taking his own life. However, he was the most loving father I could have ever hoped for so I don't see having mental health problems as being an issue because you never really get over mental health, you just learn how to live with it. I am sorry that your fathers mental health problems had an impact on your childhood.

I have looked into whether I am hypoglycemic, going to see a nutritionist soon so thanks for that. I definitely think it could be a possibility. I shall look up this ebook and have a read. I agree entirely that this whole "it's all in your head" is complete bollocks. I've been signed off by three psychologists who have all said that I am doing great and they can't find out what is wrong with me.... How about looking at my bodies chemistry or suggest someone who can rather than just fucking me off.

Anyway, 2 days without porn, on day three and going strong so far. I had sex with my girlfriend last night and didn't orgasm (no surprise there) but I am going to only do anything sexual with my girlfriend and try and steer away from masturbation as well as the porn. Been to the gym this morning and had a good session on shoulders and back, now just chilling out and playing some Doom. Here's to another day free of this fucking addiction.

 

Hi Mike. That would be awesome. I've sent you an e-mail.

 

Day 1....again.....

So yesterday and the day before I completely failed and watched porn. I have since installed K9 in order to stop myself from being able to view pornographic content or any content that may cause arousal. Here's hoping that I can go longer than 6 days (my current longest streak).

Good luck to everyone on getting through today porn free.

 

Day 3. I've had two days free of porn, had sex with my girlfriend last night but no orgasm from me (no surprise). I am finding it incredibly difficult today and I am feeling shit about myself. I've been to the gym which gave me a boost and beat some PB's but i am just feeling flat today. Feeling quite hopeless and like I can't do anything and it will never get better. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry to be honest but I can't, tears just don't happen anymore, no matter how much I want to cry to get that release.

Still off work and still no signs of getting better with the bipolar. I'm trying to get into a routine in the mornings so I can slowly get myself back to doing things with working again being the end goal. This morning I took my girlfriend to work, because she has damaged her knee) and when I got back I just went back to bed because I knew I was going to self destruct. Right now I am feeling so shit that I really don't know what to do with myself. Like I said I'd like to cry but it just won't happen. Going to try and have a shower, brush my teeth and clean the kitchen. Those are the goals for the rest of my day and then try and remain busy with something to take my mind off porn. I will get through this third day.

 

Day 5. Feeling shit, got it in my head that I have some horrible disease or I am going to die and I've no idea why. This is new and it's terrifying.

However, I am 4 days PM free and halfway through day 5. I did orgasm last night but that was thanks to some oral and handwork from my girlfriend. She made me cum so that's a positive. Usually I just can't get there at all. Fingers crossed I can continue this good run.