I think i need help, but i don't know what kind of help

hello i'm new here and first time talking about this. I think it's time to change my life for good, without porn.

I'm 32 years old and right now if you ask me how I see my self, I can tell you im a complete loser with no future with a miserable life. I'm not saying I'm like this because of pornography or maybe it is, I really don't know, but I do know it's I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE! but I don't know how.

12 years ago I start jerking off. Before that, I used to have a normal life, having sex with girlfriend's at that moment (I lost my Virginity at the age of 15, I remember that because was my birthday) I used to have a good sexual life, than my family had some money problem so my parents decided to move to the united state (Im from South America and my father and sister are from here USA) 4 months before I came to the US (I was 20 years old) I met HER, the woman of my life (at that minute) we start a relation on December 2003, March 2004 I left my country and her but we decided to continue with the relation, March 2004 I start jerking off. She broke up with me 4 years later (2008), since that day I been having terrible luck with women. 2008 was a very hard year for me, I was in love with her but I move on but jerking off and getting every single day more addictive to porn, I used to download movies then I start watching porn online more more more and more until yesterday, yesterday I found this website (nofap.com). I been reading a lot and getting stronger to finally quit the pornography some day but I'm scare if that damn switch I have on my head doesn't let me go.

I have a hobby, photography. 2 month ago I met a group of photographers on a meetup page so I been taking pictures to models, learning more about photography. This group has professional, beginners and advanced photographer and models and 2 weeks ago I met this person (well not a real met but I was taking pictures of her) and so far she is the perfect woman what I'm looking for, I didn't feel like this in years but before I do something I want to fix my problem, I don't know nothing about her anyway, just her name, I don't know if she is married, boyfriend, single I don't know nothing. Maybe she is not the one (who knows) but I wanna to be prepare for the one I waiting for so long.

I don't know if pornography it's taking me down on everything, for example with her, I saw her and my Subconscious start telling me... You are nobody, you are a looser, no way in hell you can be with her. I starting to get this voice inside me a lot lately, I don't know how to stop it. Since 2008 I been in a couple of relations but always with women I don't feel attracted, and with the ones I feel really attracted (like the model I met 2 weeks ago) I have the same answer... "No sorry I have a boyfriend", "Im married sorry", "I cant sorry", "I have kid's and to busy sorry". I don't know if this problem I have is interfering with all this or what. Right know it's no way in hell I'm going to ask her something (I don't wanna have the same answer I been having lately) for what I read on this page on success stories, you really change a lot of things like losing that fear I have inside of been rejected, getting more energy (I need that, energy. During the week I just go to work and that about it, after work I sit on the computer to "edit pictures" with the porn page open and watch TV) I work 4AM to 2PM so I have a lot of time to do things but I DO SHIT, if the group make a meetup on the week I usually don't go I just go on the weekends.

I wanna go places I wanna be a professional photographer some day but this problem don't let me do nothing, I'm tired of that, that's way I'm here telling my story and looking for help, I want a normal life I wanna be happy have a family but I feel I'm drowning in a glass of water. Maybe all my problems are not related with pornography maybe I need other kind of help but this is my First step and today I'm not going to fall.

Thank you for Reading me, this is the first time I talk about this. Sorry for my English.

 

Mi amigo gracias por tomarte el tiempo de leer mi historia y aconsejarme de la mejor forma que tú crees posible. La verdad no soy creyente de ningún tipo de religión, espero esto no cause algún conflicto entre nosotros. Respeto tu creencia y agradezco mucho tu consejo. Yo se que puedo dejar este vicio lo que no se es como, pero creyendo en mi y los que me rodean se que voy a salir del hoyo en el que me encuentro y obviamente con la ayuda de gente de este foro como la tuya. He estado leyendo bastante este foro y me he estado dando ánimos y ganas de seguir adelante y la verdad creo que funciona, leyendo historias de personas que si lo lograron y de los que lo están logrando es bastante alentador. Yo creo que es primera ves que siento las ganas de dejar este vicio y hacer algo con mi vida. Jamás busque nada sobre este tema (tampoco quise) siempre lo vi como algo normal pero basta de eso, es hora de salir adelante y ser quien quiero ser. Muchas gracias de nuevo por tomarte el tiempo leerme.

 

That's what I'm looking for. This forum is great, I never looked for help before about this pornography problem I had for the last 12 years, but now it's different, I want to quit and with the help of you guys and family/friends I know I will succeed.

 

Day 2: so far i didn't have any urge, a couple of images on my head about porn but nothing terrible. i quit the "meme" pages i used to watch every time i was bored in my job or my house (funny pages but the content sometimes its hard to deal especially if i wanna quit PMO)

Tomorrow is the hard day for me, I never passed the third day before.